"Sorry About the Cancer."

The phrase I've heard from too many people who don't know what else to say. The good news is that as my dermatologist said, "If you're going to get any type of cancer in the world, this is the kind that you want." WANT is a stretch, but the sentiment is that it's treatable and that's great. I'm having one ulcerated spot removed at my regular dermatologist, and need to go to the big city for the other procedure (MOHS).

So, of course I've been reading up about skin cancers and treatment lately. MOHS surgery sounds great: They move in, remove the tumor and a layer of skin underneath, and test quadrants while you're still in surgery to ensure that all cancerous tissue is removed. That surgery will be done by my ear, and will take about 4 hrs. I've got a great husband who's already planning time off to come with me. I'm feeling mostly okay about the whole thing, but have an uncle who died of untreated skin cancer(s) and wish they would've come off yesterday. Instead I have surgeries scheduled in SEPT and OCT.

So I was feeling a little down on my luck, because we found these the week of our honeymoon and spent 2 days in doctors offices. But we still had a fantastic honeymoon and it was so nice to have some time away from a REALLY emotionally demanding job. When we got back from the honeymoon I started up regular medical massage b/c lets face it--working long hours, planning a wedding, dealing with family health crisis after family health crisis, and finding out that years of tanning in preparation for prom/homecoming/lifeguarding season/trips to Hawaii/graduations/etc has likely led to said skin cancers is just really fucking stressful.

My massage therapist is like an angel who dropped from heaven. She's over 70 and I questioned whether she would have the strength to iron out knots in my back. She didn't need to. She is just so incredibly gifted with a healing touch, and has an incredibly knowledge of physiology. She thinks I may have pulled 2 ribs out of place, so I might need to add chiropractic care to the agenda soon. But she fully supports my efforts to jump back into yoga and see her for the next 7 weeks first so that we can see how far we get.

Oh: And her son was in the Army. And she loves Army medical care providers, and immediately had a soft place in her heart for me when she heard what it was that I do for work. So she extended a 1-hr session to 1.5 hrs and I walked out feeling like I'd just gotten home from a wk-long vacation in Hawaii, sans sun damage. No kidding. She's that good.

So I rolled out of her office, went to look at a few decommissioned Navy ships and leisurely find good food in Olympia, and rolled over glass in the street--flattening 2 tires. Really??

I attended a Cognitive Processing Therapy training a few months ago, and one of the things that really stuck with me (specific for treatment of PTSD and related to the "just world phenomenon, but I think, a nice sentiment for life...) was one of the speakers saying, "We ask 'why' when we face tragedy and adversity in life, but we never ask 'why' when we encounter joy and happiness. If we are going to ask 'why' for one, we must do so for the other."

So in that spirit: Why did I have such a magical wedding? Why did my referral to massage therapy land me in the office of the most healing hands I've encountered in my life? Why do I have no fewer than 3 groups of visitors/friends/family coming to my home in the next 2 months, and a mindfulness in psychotherapy conference to attend? Why did I find the perfect career, and end up in a workplace where I can finally be myself and feel genuine camaraderie with my coworkers, doing work I find meaningful?

When you think of it this way, skin cancer and a few flat tires seem more inconvenient than unfair.

Turning 30

This month I turn 30. Three of my greatest friends plan to come to town to help me celebrate, and I'm pretty stinking excited about it. I have wanted to be over 30 since I was about 15. I viewed it as this age at which point I would magically overcome my childhood insecurities, no longer develop pimples, and be revered by children and adults alike as a genuine adult. So basically, I believed (and still, do, to some extent) that I would be more confident and better looking. In my defense, historically BOTH of these things have tended to be true for all women in my family. Like fine wine, we age well. Thank God for great genes.

Last year I wrote a blog in which I indicated a plan to post a list of things I hoped to do before turning 30. This never happened. If I had to identify one reason (more than laziness...) it would simply be: Fear.

I feared writing a list and not accomplishing everything on it. As someone who hates to let myself down, I decided that I would rather not write a list and feel like I had come out ahead. Needless to say, I don't feel that I've come out ahead. Although I accomplished many things on the "list" despite never writing it, I feel that fear won out. I like this quote that I found recently: "The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed --Lloyd Jones" (...I don't like the weighting of humans as better or worse, but I like the message...)

So in addition to being better looking and more confident, I am counting on using turning 30 as a milestone for conquering, or at least--better managing--fear. As someone who has always adored quotes and poems, I've chosen the following to serve as my guiding light:



I know that I won't be able to obliterate fear. But some of the MOST rewarding things that I've done in my life have been the things I've feared the most. Also, I've seen in clients, friends, and family, the consequences of avoiding anything that scares them. In sum, I would describe the major consequence as a life unlived.

So here is my list. I will likely blog about these things throughout the year (as well as the reasons they scare me--there are reasons for each of them). I make no promises to hit them all, because honestly, I have a full-time job and like to use this blog for whatever the hell I want. But here is the list:

Take a financial planning class
Run an 8k
Take a class through parks and rec
Take a class through the community college
Go to a cooking class
Try acupuncture
Get glasses
Lose 10 lbs
Fly to Georgia
Start snowboarding again
Befriend "N-RAD"
Get a part-time assessment gig lined up
Publish the dissertation
Finance a car
Purchase a wedding dress
Put money down on a wedding venue
Join a book club
Go hiking with total strangers
See a live concert (The Frames? Pink Martini?)
Aim for 1 active lunch per week

What do I hope to get out of this, aside from the obvious? Well, more confidence. And honestly, just NOT letting fear get the best of me will be pretty dang rewarding.



In other news, I totally hope that I get a cake, or a cupcake, or at least a balloon with the number "30" in huge print. I still get carded all the time and people on campus constantly mistake me for a student on casual Friday, so I have ZERO insecurities around this number. Bring it, 30!!

The last year of my 20's.

Last week started out terribly. I avoided griping about it (at least, here...perhaps not to my friends & family) because everything that happened was pretty insignificant. But it turned around and ended up being a great week.

I'm going to be verbose from this point forward, so if you'd like the cliffnotes, here you are:

-Birthday full of love
-Office pinic surprise from boyfriend
-Easy fix to a laptop I thought would cost a fortune
-Mild week at the office

And for everyone else, read on!

I celebrated my birthday last week! I'm welcoming the last year of my 20's with arms wide. Aging has been really put into perspective by seeing my grandmother turn 80 and talk about feeling young...aside from "not being able to do quite so much (physically)." I'm not really dreading my 30's in the way that many people do. Some of this might have to do with my work: Several times this year parents and faculty have said to me, "You don't look old enough to be a doctor." When I told my grandmother this she recommended that I get glasses. I told her that 10 years would take care of this "problem."

My birthday was a slow one at work. Pat treated me to one of my favorite dinners (I'm easy to buy for--I wanted veggie pizza) and then took me to a place we've never been to in Spokane (Wild Sage). It was wonderful!!

We both had the huckleberry strudle and fell into bed with sugar comas shortly thereafter. They had a beautiful and tasty drink that used lavander-infused vodka (I've never had a drink with lavander-infused vodka that I didn't like). The atmosphere was beautiful and our waiter was handsome, not tattooed, didn't have acne, was over 30, and was plesant. Perhaps these all seem like strange evaluative statements to make about waitstaff, but we have found since living in Spokane that many wait staffers leave a lot to be desired.


I opened cards and gifts from family and friends, and went to work the next day with my boyfriend's promise of "a surprise lunch." I figured that we were going to try a new resturant close to campus, so I finished on time with my client and turned around to grab my coat just in time to see him standing in the door with a picnic basket. I had been sad that picnic season is so far out--Spokane has great parks and I can hardly wait to explore them and take a basket full of fruit and baguettes and cheese...now I don't have to.

Later in the day he took my laptop to a local shop for diagnostics. Best Buy had glanced at it and said that it would probably cost $300 and something terrible was going on. The local guys sold us a new power cord--problem solved. I was so happy!! The only place worse than a mechanic for a woman to go and get screwed over is a computer store. I get caught like a deer in headlights and because of this have bought 3--yes THREE--new computers in the past decade after seeing a blue screen of death. It goes something like--"Sorry, Miss, but this computer is going to cost more to fix than it would be to buy a new one." And then me--"Oh mister computer man, thank you for delivering this terrible news to me with a trustworthy smile. Please show me to the sales department." I will not be fooled again!!

For my first "while I'm 29" project I contacted a financial advisor to consult about student loan debt. I set a budget that I feel good about and found out that in the world of finance I am doing A-okay.

My friend Sharon has a blog all about being 29 and the changes that she plans to make. Friends made promises to her "before Sharon turns 30 I will....x, y, z" and now she has a year full of adventures planned. I love this idea and hope to write a before-30 "bucket list" of sorts. It will need to have things other than "get my shit together financially, eat organic, be active, score a promotion," etc. I would like to return to having fun and being playful. I remember that those things came naturally before grad school, and I want them back.

What I can say about my 20's thus far is this: I became a Doctor. My heart was shattered, and then I met the love of my life. I made friends who moved all over the world and are still close to my heart. I learned that I am strong and independent, and that I can make a home anywhere. I learned that I can be (and am) a runner and a yogi.

The "before 30 bucket list" is soon to come!