True North

I've been silent for quite some time because I have no laptop and because I've been contemplating the next move in life. I've been making the best of a bad situation-- Spending time with great people, working on remaining more physically active, and planning for my wedding.

In the past month I've had jam-packed weekends: Celebrating a friend's 30th birthday, and shopping for a wedding gown with my mother and grandmother. I've made beautiful memories and tried really hard to remember that bad moments don't equate to a bad life. I really do have a full and beautiful life.

Focusing my energies outside of work and onto other valued areas of my life has led me to recognize and trust my intuition and strength. Since I was a tiny child I've always had a true and steady sense of right and wrong. At times this has gotten me into trouble because it impacts the expectations that I hold for myself and others. But for the most part it has been a wonderful internal compass that always leads me to True North.

Recently I've silenced this voice and stomped on this compass out of a sense of loyalty (another personal trait that I often hold to a fault). But after months of silence and deference - I felt unwell and unhappy. I've found True North again, and changes are coming.

Setting a Date

It is DONE!! We have a wedding date (for 2013...enough time for even me to plan...) and we have a wedding location:

This will be my dressing room:

Wedding to take place in the courtyard...

Then appetizers & wine inside while giving staff an opportunity to transform the courtyard to something like this:

Hopefully with evening lighting provided by overhead white lights and these babies, complements of an Etsy seller:

We haven't decided on much else (we hope to have acoustic guitar during the ceremony & dinner)--but we have decided that the food will be the main event (that is: No Dancing. None)...with formal dining and deserts served rather than wedding cake, and blood orange martinis for toasting rather than champagne.

One of my bridesmaids is working with the caterer on menu, another bridesmaid has taken over procuring all of the wine & making wedding invitations (holy shit, have I mentioned that my friends are amazing??), and my maid of honor is running the show on setting up a bachlorette party, AND has offered to come to town 2 days early to help with any last minute needs. The best part is that I finally get to marry my fiance. I actually tear up when I think of how special he is and how much I'm looking forward to this day, and to being his wife. I might be a total mess at the wedding, but I'm sure my friends will bring handkerchiefs.

Another item off the list: Car - Financed!!

Purchasing a car was not easy for me. I have been brought up to believe that you DO NOT take on debt. Taking on a student loan in graduate school was my first experience of having anything in the red on my ledger of life, and it was very uncomfortable for me. So despite my excellent credit, I had been putting off financing a car. In addition to the difficulty experienced on the financial guilt end, I struggled to make a decision on make and model. I didn't want a little sports car because I need 4WD for the winters here. I wish I knew how to paste in other blogs, because I would paste in the one in which I complained about getting in trouble for not coming to work on a day when my car literally couldn't make it out of the garage. I also didn't want something huge. The midsized cars and crossovers are so often called "Mom Cars" (by people like me), and in case you're wondering, Yes--that is a bad thing. It shouldn't be, and my inner feminist is kicking me, but I didn't want a "Mom Car." I did, however, want something that I could fit all of my gardening stuff into, throw my mountain bike into rather than getting a bike rack, and fit several friends and luggage for road trips. So after much debate, this is what I got:

It's a brand new Toyota Rav4 Sport. As in, so new that I picked the color from a book and had to wait for the truck to bring it in. I love it! I've had it for about 2 weeks and already put 1,000 miles on it, thanks to a trip home and a road trip with my coworkers:

(To Sandpoint, ID)

It has been great for trips to pick up gardening stuff at Home Depot:

And next weekend we'll be taking it to the OR coast where we've rented a beach house with 2 other couples. Life is good right now...

Turning 30

This month I turn 30. Three of my greatest friends plan to come to town to help me celebrate, and I'm pretty stinking excited about it. I have wanted to be over 30 since I was about 15. I viewed it as this age at which point I would magically overcome my childhood insecurities, no longer develop pimples, and be revered by children and adults alike as a genuine adult. So basically, I believed (and still, do, to some extent) that I would be more confident and better looking. In my defense, historically BOTH of these things have tended to be true for all women in my family. Like fine wine, we age well. Thank God for great genes.

Last year I wrote a blog in which I indicated a plan to post a list of things I hoped to do before turning 30. This never happened. If I had to identify one reason (more than laziness...) it would simply be: Fear.

I feared writing a list and not accomplishing everything on it. As someone who hates to let myself down, I decided that I would rather not write a list and feel like I had come out ahead. Needless to say, I don't feel that I've come out ahead. Although I accomplished many things on the "list" despite never writing it, I feel that fear won out. I like this quote that I found recently: "The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed --Lloyd Jones" (...I don't like the weighting of humans as better or worse, but I like the message...)

So in addition to being better looking and more confident, I am counting on using turning 30 as a milestone for conquering, or at least--better managing--fear. As someone who has always adored quotes and poems, I've chosen the following to serve as my guiding light:



I know that I won't be able to obliterate fear. But some of the MOST rewarding things that I've done in my life have been the things I've feared the most. Also, I've seen in clients, friends, and family, the consequences of avoiding anything that scares them. In sum, I would describe the major consequence as a life unlived.

So here is my list. I will likely blog about these things throughout the year (as well as the reasons they scare me--there are reasons for each of them). I make no promises to hit them all, because honestly, I have a full-time job and like to use this blog for whatever the hell I want. But here is the list:

Take a financial planning class
Run an 8k
Take a class through parks and rec
Take a class through the community college
Go to a cooking class
Try acupuncture
Get glasses
Lose 10 lbs
Fly to Georgia
Start snowboarding again
Befriend "N-RAD"
Get a part-time assessment gig lined up
Publish the dissertation
Finance a car
Purchase a wedding dress
Put money down on a wedding venue
Join a book club
Go hiking with total strangers
See a live concert (The Frames? Pink Martini?)
Aim for 1 active lunch per week

What do I hope to get out of this, aside from the obvious? Well, more confidence. And honestly, just NOT letting fear get the best of me will be pretty dang rewarding.



In other news, I totally hope that I get a cake, or a cupcake, or at least a balloon with the number "30" in huge print. I still get carded all the time and people on campus constantly mistake me for a student on casual Friday, so I have ZERO insecurities around this number. Bring it, 30!!

A Funeral & Some Blessings

My fiance and I went to MT for Christmas (fabulous, stayed with my best friend from college) and returned so that I could work--all alone in the center--for the week after Christmas. That week sucked both because (1) nobody else was there, and despite the mountain of administrative work that I had to do I felt bored and lonely without human contact, and (2) I knew that I would have to turn around and drive back to MT for a funeral immediately after the New Year.

I tried not to think of that, instead powering through (okay, trudging through) my work and looking forward to the weekend of New Year's. Some friends came to town to visit & ring in the New Year, and we invited one of the psychologists to join us for libations. The next day we all got up, grabbed coffee, and were out of the house by noon. And just like that I was on my way back to Montana.

The funeral was for my paternal Grandmother. I call her "Betty" following a defining incident that occurred during my childhood. Because I'm still processing all of this, I'll tell it here.

I had gone to visit my grandparents on a trip with only my Dad. I couldn't have been older than 7 or 8. These were rare trips and I can't recall why my mom didn't come along, but what I do recall is that I went to the pool on a hot summer day without sunscreen. I came back to the house with the worst sunburn of my life. It would later morph into blisters that stood over 1 inch off my shoulders. Adults would look at me and grimace. Shirts would hurt, and I would spend time wishing I could be naked but fearing the sun that had done this to my skin.

By the time I felt the pain, it was too late. I walked back to my grandparent's home (literally, across the street in this tiny town) and was greeted with shock. The next thing to happen would confirm a suspicion that I had throughout my childhood: That my grandma didn't have a lot of love in her heart, and certainly not for me.

She looked at me, sadly looked at her aloe plant, and plucked off a leaf to rub over my tender skin. In that moment, I recall thinking that my grandmother loved her aloe plant more than she loved me. Not much changed throughout the remainder of my life. She did write me a letter while I was in college, telling me that she loved me and was proud of me. I held it for an hour and cried; wishing I could have FELT this at some point in my life, instead of reading it. I still have the letter.

By the time of my grandmother's funeral, she had been dead for 20 days. Despite this, the casket was opened for viewing. It wasn't as shocking as you might expect. I stood by her casket and silently wept. I didn't weep for myself, or even for her death. I wept for her life. I wept because I know the incredible depth of love and human connection, and it broke my heart that she pushed so many people out of her life that I doubt she ever really felt this. I wept because in addition to having few (any?) close relationships, she had no vocation. I wept because I see her life as one devoid of meaning. The greatest thing she created in her life, in my view, was my father. For this I'm thankful.

On to the blessings.

(1) On my way to Montana, I had turned off my brights and was driving over a mountain pass when I heard a voice--clear as day--in my head, "...turn on your brights." I did so just in time for the beam to hit the deer in front of me. The brakes squealed, my car stayed on course, and I missed the deer by inches. I had a feeling deep inside my soul that it was Betty who said the words. My first thought was, "I can't imagine why she would want to do anything nice for me."

(2) Upon arriving in Montana, my maternal Grandmother approached me and said, "You know, I was thinking. This funeral will probably be pretty hard on you, and the car ride is long. Would you like some company?" And just like that: She joined me and provided the love and support that I have been blessed with throughout my life. I always tell people that I've felt I only have 1 grandmother, but that she is so wonderful that I wouldn't need more than that. She stood by me as I wept at Betty's casket, and she handed me a fresh handkerchief when the tears kept coming--seemingly inexplicably--throughout the funeral. She told me stories of her emotional reactions to death throughout her lifetime, and we talked about how sad it was that Betty died alone.

(3) I learned some things about Betty via a box that would've likely been thrown away, but was instead given to me. It contained fabulous hats that she bought in San Francisco in the 40's; when my Grandfather was stationed there as MP. I took tons of photos of them ON (they are ADORABLE), but they all ended up upside-down and I'm too impatient to fix it tonight. So 1 photo must suffice. I'll post the rest another day.



The hats served as a reminder that everyone is young and beautiful and full of dreams (was she full of dreams...?) at some point in life. If she could pull off these hats, she must have had some spunk to her. All that I can hold of that is these hats. I'll take it. Somehow they softened my heart toward her. I liked her style. It's a small connection, but a connection nonetheless. A hatbox made me feel closer to Betty than I'd ever felt in my life.

I will live my life differently.

The last year of my 20's.

Last week started out terribly. I avoided griping about it (at least, here...perhaps not to my friends & family) because everything that happened was pretty insignificant. But it turned around and ended up being a great week.

I'm going to be verbose from this point forward, so if you'd like the cliffnotes, here you are:

-Birthday full of love
-Office pinic surprise from boyfriend
-Easy fix to a laptop I thought would cost a fortune
-Mild week at the office

And for everyone else, read on!

I celebrated my birthday last week! I'm welcoming the last year of my 20's with arms wide. Aging has been really put into perspective by seeing my grandmother turn 80 and talk about feeling young...aside from "not being able to do quite so much (physically)." I'm not really dreading my 30's in the way that many people do. Some of this might have to do with my work: Several times this year parents and faculty have said to me, "You don't look old enough to be a doctor." When I told my grandmother this she recommended that I get glasses. I told her that 10 years would take care of this "problem."

My birthday was a slow one at work. Pat treated me to one of my favorite dinners (I'm easy to buy for--I wanted veggie pizza) and then took me to a place we've never been to in Spokane (Wild Sage). It was wonderful!!

We both had the huckleberry strudle and fell into bed with sugar comas shortly thereafter. They had a beautiful and tasty drink that used lavander-infused vodka (I've never had a drink with lavander-infused vodka that I didn't like). The atmosphere was beautiful and our waiter was handsome, not tattooed, didn't have acne, was over 30, and was plesant. Perhaps these all seem like strange evaluative statements to make about waitstaff, but we have found since living in Spokane that many wait staffers leave a lot to be desired.


I opened cards and gifts from family and friends, and went to work the next day with my boyfriend's promise of "a surprise lunch." I figured that we were going to try a new resturant close to campus, so I finished on time with my client and turned around to grab my coat just in time to see him standing in the door with a picnic basket. I had been sad that picnic season is so far out--Spokane has great parks and I can hardly wait to explore them and take a basket full of fruit and baguettes and cheese...now I don't have to.

Later in the day he took my laptop to a local shop for diagnostics. Best Buy had glanced at it and said that it would probably cost $300 and something terrible was going on. The local guys sold us a new power cord--problem solved. I was so happy!! The only place worse than a mechanic for a woman to go and get screwed over is a computer store. I get caught like a deer in headlights and because of this have bought 3--yes THREE--new computers in the past decade after seeing a blue screen of death. It goes something like--"Sorry, Miss, but this computer is going to cost more to fix than it would be to buy a new one." And then me--"Oh mister computer man, thank you for delivering this terrible news to me with a trustworthy smile. Please show me to the sales department." I will not be fooled again!!

For my first "while I'm 29" project I contacted a financial advisor to consult about student loan debt. I set a budget that I feel good about and found out that in the world of finance I am doing A-okay.

My friend Sharon has a blog all about being 29 and the changes that she plans to make. Friends made promises to her "before Sharon turns 30 I will....x, y, z" and now she has a year full of adventures planned. I love this idea and hope to write a before-30 "bucket list" of sorts. It will need to have things other than "get my shit together financially, eat organic, be active, score a promotion," etc. I would like to return to having fun and being playful. I remember that those things came naturally before grad school, and I want them back.

What I can say about my 20's thus far is this: I became a Doctor. My heart was shattered, and then I met the love of my life. I made friends who moved all over the world and are still close to my heart. I learned that I am strong and independent, and that I can make a home anywhere. I learned that I can be (and am) a runner and a yogi.

The "before 30 bucket list" is soon to come!