More Thoughts on Success

First: This photo is bullshit.




This week I stumbled across a really great graduation speech given by the a wise sage to the 2014 graduates of Dartmouth.







Normally I wouldn't associate "wise sage" with this man's photo...but before I go any further, let me paste in what I found to be the most poignant element of his speech to these graduates:

**It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It’s not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound reinvention.

At the age of 47 after 25 yrs of obsessively pursuing my dream, that dream change. For decades in show business the ultimate goal of every comedian was to host the Tonight Show. It was the Holy Grail, and like many people I thought that achieving that goal would define me as successful. But that is not true. No specific job or career goal defines me, and it should not define you.

In 2000 I told graduates to not be afraid to fail, and I still believe that. But today I tell you that whether you fear it or not, disappointment will come. The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.

Whatever you think your dream is now, it will probably change. And that’s okay. ~Conan O'Brien**

What he said really spoke to me. For so long I have set my sights on a relatively abstract construct (income) as my measure of success. Aside from my chosen career I didn't have my sights specifically set on any role that I wanted to fill. But I really felt that anything under a certain income level would be an indicator that I had not been successful.

Since being promoted, I have heard from several people things like, "great job! At this rate you'll be (fill in the next job title up the promotion chain)." When I hear this it actually makes me a little angry and upset. Why would I want or need that job? In my mind, I've reached this success marker that I set for myself years ago.

Watching this video of Conan (as he speaks to the relentless pursual of a dream that wasn't his own) made me realize that somewhere along the line, my goal of success has changed. It isn't just money, it's lifestyle and well being. To me, a successful person is one who--at any income--can live a peaceful and harmonious existence.

I found myself feeling annoyed that I had approached "success" in such a straightforward manner...but the truth is, I believe that many people do this. We roughly define something for ourselves and then stick to it out of determination and a belief that we're on the right path. Pictures like this--and the one that I began this blog with--don't help:



One ladder climbing to the top. One road leading in the "right" direction. One finger pointing you down the "correct" path.

Success isn't so uni dimensional.

My current vision of success is one in which I can come home at the end of day and leave work at work. Success is taking care of my physical and emotional health, and being present in the lives of the people I love. Success is being able to live in the present moment and experience everything that life offers (rather than rolling in the good or drudging through the "bad"). And as I continue to evolve, so will my definition of success.

The most valuable thing that I took from this speech was that I alone am responsible for creating and redefining goals in my life--and that they will change. The views of others regarding what constitutes "success" can't matter to me, because they likely do not represent my values or my place of personal development.

That was a lot of rambling...but it left me feeling a little better.

We're ready for summer!

With my promotion wrapped up and endless hours of prepping for that (and worrying about it) freed up, I turned my attention to creating a serene "back yard" that we could enjoy throughout the summer. Quotes because we have no grass back there, only a garden and patio area.

Thanks to the recent additions of a Weber barbecue and an umbrella for our patio set (thanks Mom & Dad!) it is looking pretty awesome. This weekend we marinated chicken and had grilled chicken salads. It is so nice to not heat up the house with cooking. The grill will pay for itself in no time with how much we'll save on not eating out.



Cherry tomatoes, flowers, basil (soon), and strawberries:



A mint take-over!! I need to transplant before it chokes out all of my flowers.

That's it. I'm insane.

"The very definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results." ~Philip Mangano

Yesterday I drank a diet coke at lunch & didn't fall asleep until midnight. Today I drank a split shot latte. Last week I had 2 double lattes. Once to intentionally fuel a cleaning spree. My heart raced as I laid in bed cursing my poor decision making.

All of these experiences have had 2 consistent results: Insomnia & mild tremor. Every time I think, "Must have been a fluke!"

I hope that it's not permanent, but I seem to have completely lost my ability to tolerate caffeine. Perhaps since I began drinking coffee at age 5 or so, and was completely dependent for at least 10 years of my life, I have just burnt out my poor receptors. Or maybe I have too much going on in my life right now & don't need a stimulant. That is far too rational of an explanation.

Decaf really does taste awful...and I gave up alcohol 1 month ago. What is a girl to do??

Thoughts on Success

"The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure." ~ Sven Goran Eriksson


I applied for huge promotion a month ago, and was selected for the job a few weeks ago. I have known about this (potential) promotion for the better part of a year, but was scared to speak of it online dare I curse it. I found myself battling this crippling fear of failure. What if I applied--in the place I worked--and was interviewed by all of my colleagues and not selected? I would be embarrassed. I would have to face these people and shrug it off, and then I would have to meet my new boss and be okay with knowing they had the position I wanted? Ouch. When people reassured me with comments such as, "Seriously, even applying is huge. You're 29 & nobody would expect you to be an administrator yet," I felt comforted only for short periods of time.

My poor fiance has heard enough talk around this to last a lifetime.

Long story short: Facing possible rejection threw my delicately balanced sense of equilibrium out of whack. Anyone who has been reading my humble blog for the past few months, or who has any sort of personal relationship to me can attest to this. I honestly considered--really considered--pulling my application out. Friends and my fiance had to talk sense into me, "Wait and see what happens, you don't know the outcome, we have a good feeling about this, if you decide you don't want it you can turn it down."

Needless to say, I'm happy that I didn't pull my application. I almost stood in the way of my own success in a very big way. This isn't uncommon for educated women (See Clance's research on Imposter Phenomenon- http://paulineroseclance.com/pdf/ip_high_achieving_women.pdf from the 1970's for background, or flip through popular media stories to hear famous and brilliant women speak of the fear they experienced before landing a "big break"). I do think it is something I need to work through.


Our culture programs us to reject failure. We are raised in a structured and supervised world in which we take report cards back to mom and dad, and try to please our teachers. One only needs to look as far as a college student weeping over their first "C" grade to comprehend the possible negative consequence of this well-intended norm of our highly individualized culture. If one's self-worth is based primarily on external validation of my intelligence or attractiveness or any other "measurable" quality, there is an incredible risk to the challenge of this self-worth when other's don't provide positive feedback. Even though this feedback is often subjective in nature, years of programming teach us to give it weight and credibility.

Call me crazy, but that doesn't sound like a great way to live. I would rather move toward an internal locus of control and grounded self-concept.

We are taught to "reach for the stars," but this abstraction is just that. Reach for the stars and.....all of your dreams will come true? Or maybe you will miss, but you will have grown from the process. Or maybe you will miss and you will be truly devastated. Shaken to your core. But you'll get through it eventually. People don't like to talk about those possibilities.

For every high there is a low, and that is just a fact of life. For as much success I have experienced in my career to date, I have experienced an equal amount of disappointment. From these disappointments I have grown. It hasn't been easy, but it has been beautiful. Like a teenager coming to terms with their changing body I have at times felt clumsy or lost before feeling grounded, capable, and at peace.

What I know is this: A life lived in fear is a life half lived. The most fulfilling things in my life have been preceded by fear. Relationships, hobbies, academic and career pursuits. In each one I have to fight the voice in the back of my head that threatens to pull myself out of the race.

As I move into the summer and my new position, I am drawn toward a goal of hearing my "fearful" inner voice and gently & mindfully moving past it. Sort of a, "Oh, there you are. I knew you'd be there to remind me that this could go terribly wrong. Thanks for that...but honestly, things have been pretty much okay and even when they aren't...I am."

To guide this venture, I am going to set my eyes on the message of Akhilandeshvari, the Hindu Goddess of Never Not Broken. She derives her power from embracing change and the flux that is life. Riding a crocodile (representing fear) she doesn't reject fear or let it control her. She instead navigates rivers and land (life) atop this fear. (For more on this: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/why-being-broken-in-a-pile-on-your-bedroom-floor-is-a-good-idea--julie-jc-peters/).

That is a message I can get behind.

Breathing More

Today I got an e-mail from my mom that said "Breathe More" in the subject line. In the e-mail body was my blog address.

I initially neglected my blog intentionally because I didn't want to write about things that were bumming me out. Then it just slipped my mind...I nearly forgot I had a blog (even though I've been thinking in the past week: "I should really journal more").

I suppose it comes down to not wanting to be vulnerable anywhere, including the internet. This isn't an entirely private blog, after all, so I put on a brave face even here. Basically, to sum up my absence: The past month has sucked.

God or the universe (or both) have given me a wake-up call. This call let me know that I need to start taking care of my body and mind and spirit--even more than I had been. Sporadic (2-3 weekly) yoga just wasn't going to hack it. I've lost 6 pounds in 2 weeks because of stress. My body has been completely fired up for weeks. I'm frustrated with how hard I am having to work at calming it down (and my mind along with it).

In the past few days I've had some success (chilling out) thanks to John Kabat-Zinn's Mindfulness Meditation CD's, and a return to my yoga studio after a 4-week hiatius. I fixed the "coffee crazy" because I totally eliminated caffeine from my diet. I've added Melatonin and a semi-regular early bedtime into my day. I met with a doctor--finally--and established patient care in this town I've lived in for 10 months.

I don't want to get into the main "causal factors" (yes, I have analyzed the hell out of this). But one thing that this has really highlighted for me--in addition to the need for self-care--is the need for community. We are having a REALLY hard time finding people to hang out with in this town. I love spending my evenings with my fiance, but not having close friends is very hard. The last time I moved I immediately became great friends with my neighbor and his entire network of friends. I also became close friends with several co-workers. Neither of these methods (neighbors, co-workers) have panned out here. My co-workers are older and settled with children. My neighbors seem indifferent. Most people our age have children, and that seems to be inhibiting forming relationships (I'm cool with being around kids--but young families are busy)! We don't have access to and/or don't connect with adults who are much younger than us.

We've joined a social group (game group, totally nerdy but we love it) and have attended regularly. It has been a slow process and some members are warming to us, but to date I am the only female member of the group. The other women stay home with the children.

Ack. This is why I don't blog lately. I don't want to throw a pity-party. I know that eventually with repeated contact we will make some friends. I know that the more I take care of my body and mind and spirit, the more productive and healthy I will feel. But these things take time and I'm very impatient.

In the meantime, I rely on my perfect drug (the photo is terrible, but it is Kabat-Zinn's CD set):



I think this will need to be more lifestyle change than fad-healthy-living-spree. This putting myself behind everything has been going on long enough (college, grad school, internship, postdoc, job). It's time to shift my priorities.

Gratitude Revisited

It's incredible what a difference 12 hours (or so?) makes. My future mother-in-law is tucked away upstairs in a freshly made bed with a beautiful boquet of flowers next to it. And on the other side of today, I am able to identify this:

I'm thankful that I had the opportunity to get to know my future mother-in-law today. I have never chatted with her for more than 10 minutes despite having loved her son for 2 years.

I'm thankful that my future mother-in-law is not allergic to flowers.

I'm thankful that I have friends who promote self-care, getting away from it all, and in general remind me that I need to remember that there's more to life than work.

And finally...

I'm grateful that I have the financial means to be able to say, "fuck it--I need a break and I'm flying to Montana." In a few weeks I will be with my family.

Thankfulness: Fail.

My experiment failed. On day 2 I thought, "I'll do 2 tomorrow." On Day 3 I though, "It has been a rough day and I need to prepare for weekend company, this can wait." Thankfulness experiment: fail.

I have had the worst week at my job since moving here and beginning work. It has been nothing short of terrible. The anxiety, frustration, and anger float around the office & threaten to attach themselves to anything that stands still. I was trying to combat it in a very "positive psychology" manner, but to be honest, my heart just wasn't in the right space for that. I am angry that people act this way. I try to do yoga and let go of my anger, but I am frustrated that even as I work to remain calm people will continue to hurl anger and frustration toward me in an abusive fashion and I will have to take it like a grown-up.

Mostly it makes me sad, because I typically love my work.

I guess I have nothing more to say. I don't want my blog to become a place where I bitch about everything, because I know that isn't healthy. But I have found that the positive psych thing felt fake this week. Maybe I'll give it a run another time.