A Mostly Great Weekend

This weekend we took a mini-vacation that was so awesome it had me dancing like this:


(I was asked to "dance like a white girl").

We met up with a few old friends of my fiance's and went to the shooting range. It was my first experience with an assault rifle and I LOVED it! Shooting can be incredibly therapeutic for me. The loud noise, the smell of gunpowder, the silly displays of masculinity...it adds up to a pretty great experience.



(We "found" some combat calibre armor at the range and tested it with a .556 at 100 yards).

The weekend was really only soiled at the very end, when we happened upon food poisoning (presumably at a BBQ we attended). That took us out of the game for 2 days while we thanked our decision to get a home with 2 bathrooms & napped in between episodes vomiting through the nose (and equally terrible unmentionables).

It was still worth it. I got to meet some of my fiance's high school friends, and they are great. I feel very at home with them (the inappropriate humor, cursing like sailors, etc.,) and we had a lot of fun together. Of note, I pulled out a pretty positive showing during Halo: Reach & proudly represented girl gamers for the boys.

The part that I am feeling most regretful about is that I haven't been able to do Ashtanga this week. I was sick for 2 days of practice, terribly dehydrated for 1, and will miss practice today, as well. We'll be with friends all weekend, so I will miss weekend practice, as well. Last week I was proclaiming my love of 3+ days of consecutive practice to my fiance...my body felt great and my mind felt clear. I'm hoping that I will be able to jump back in next week.

Have I mentioned how great it feels to not be so worried about work....?

Breathing More

Today I got an e-mail from my mom that said "Breathe More" in the subject line. In the e-mail body was my blog address.

I initially neglected my blog intentionally because I didn't want to write about things that were bumming me out. Then it just slipped my mind...I nearly forgot I had a blog (even though I've been thinking in the past week: "I should really journal more").

I suppose it comes down to not wanting to be vulnerable anywhere, including the internet. This isn't an entirely private blog, after all, so I put on a brave face even here. Basically, to sum up my absence: The past month has sucked.

God or the universe (or both) have given me a wake-up call. This call let me know that I need to start taking care of my body and mind and spirit--even more than I had been. Sporadic (2-3 weekly) yoga just wasn't going to hack it. I've lost 6 pounds in 2 weeks because of stress. My body has been completely fired up for weeks. I'm frustrated with how hard I am having to work at calming it down (and my mind along with it).

In the past few days I've had some success (chilling out) thanks to John Kabat-Zinn's Mindfulness Meditation CD's, and a return to my yoga studio after a 4-week hiatius. I fixed the "coffee crazy" because I totally eliminated caffeine from my diet. I've added Melatonin and a semi-regular early bedtime into my day. I met with a doctor--finally--and established patient care in this town I've lived in for 10 months.

I don't want to get into the main "causal factors" (yes, I have analyzed the hell out of this). But one thing that this has really highlighted for me--in addition to the need for self-care--is the need for community. We are having a REALLY hard time finding people to hang out with in this town. I love spending my evenings with my fiance, but not having close friends is very hard. The last time I moved I immediately became great friends with my neighbor and his entire network of friends. I also became close friends with several co-workers. Neither of these methods (neighbors, co-workers) have panned out here. My co-workers are older and settled with children. My neighbors seem indifferent. Most people our age have children, and that seems to be inhibiting forming relationships (I'm cool with being around kids--but young families are busy)! We don't have access to and/or don't connect with adults who are much younger than us.

We've joined a social group (game group, totally nerdy but we love it) and have attended regularly. It has been a slow process and some members are warming to us, but to date I am the only female member of the group. The other women stay home with the children.

Ack. This is why I don't blog lately. I don't want to throw a pity-party. I know that eventually with repeated contact we will make some friends. I know that the more I take care of my body and mind and spirit, the more productive and healthy I will feel. But these things take time and I'm very impatient.

In the meantime, I rely on my perfect drug (the photo is terrible, but it is Kabat-Zinn's CD set):



I think this will need to be more lifestyle change than fad-healthy-living-spree. This putting myself behind everything has been going on long enough (college, grad school, internship, postdoc, job). It's time to shift my priorities.

Searching For Om

Om is not just a sound or vibration. It is not just a symbol. It is the entire cosmos, whatever we can see, touch, hear and feel. Moreover, it is all that is within our perception and all that is beyond our perception. It is the core of our very existence. If you think of Om only as a sound, a technique or a symbol of the Divine, you will miss it altogether. ..... Om is the mysterious cosmic energy that is the substratum of all the things and all the beings of the entire universe. It is an eternal song of the Divine. It is continuously resounding in silence on the background of everything that exists. ~Amit Ray, Om Chanting & Meditation

At my yoga shala we do Sanskrit call and response before our yoga practice. We typically begin the call and response with "Om," and sometimes we end our practice with "Om" (other times, we end with Kirtan music - which resonates so deep in my soul after a hard physical practice that I have actually had tears come to my eyes in Savasana). This beginning and end are powerful for me because they are marked with first anxious anticipation and excitement for the practice in front of me, and then a sense of peace and connectedness with the practice I've left behind.

The later "Om" is what I find myself searching for so often in my daily life. I'm frustrated with my tendency to slip into a neurotic frenzy (okay, it's not that bad--but it feels that bad when I have this expectation of myself to be all chill and Zen).

The last few weeks have been a struggle for me at work. The focus of administrators and consequently, myself, has been on my weaknesses (or as we in the psychology biz like to say-- "Growth Edges" --oh God, how do I stand it sometimes)? I had to stop myself over the weekend and take a moment to reevaluate my MANY strenghts. Seriously, there are a ton. I'm not in this profession because I got lucky, I'm in it because it was right for me and I'm really good at it.

I say this now, but when I come home each day I find myself searching for the moment I have at the end of my yoga practice in order to pull my mind away from the troubles of the day. I search in different ways: I burn the incense my studio uses for a cheap thrill of association (man I love that I can "cheat" my brain). I read and I ponder. I call friends and reflect. I go to yoga and attempt to create it--sometimes with success.

Tonight I read several things that really touched me. One was a list of meditation scripts given to me by a favorite professor in graduate school. I haven't touched them since 2007 and was happy to find them again. The other was entitled 5 Things Happy People Do, written by Gabrielle Leblanc, a writer and neuroscientist.

Although this will for an epic post make, I will post it in because I'd like to come back to it and read it again and again:

Sages going back to Socrates have offered advice on how to be happy, but only now are scientists beginning to address this question with systematic, controlled research. Although many of the new studies reaffirm time-honored wisdom ("Do what you love," "To thine own self be true"), they also add a number of fresh twists and insights. We canvassed the leading experts on what happy people have in common—and why it's worth trying to become one of them.

1. They find their most golden self.

Picture happiness. What do you see? A peaceful soul sitting in a field of daisies appreciating the moment? That kind of passive, pleasure-oriented—hedonic—contentment is definitely a component of overall happiness. But researchers now believe that eudaimonic well-being may be more important. Cobbled from the Greek eu ("good") and daimon ("spirit" or "deity"), eudaimonia means striving toward excellence based on one's unique talents and potential—Aristotle considered it to be the noblest goal in life. In his time, the Greeks believed that each child was blessed at birth with a personal daimon embodying the highest possible expression of his or her nature. One way they envisioned the daimon was as a golden figurine that would be revealed by cracking away an outer layer of cheap pottery (the person's baser exterior). The effort to know and realize one's most golden self—"personal growth," in today's lingo—is now the central concept of eudaimonia, which has also come to include continually taking on new challenges and fulfilling one's sense of purpose in life.

"Eudaimonic well-being is much more robust and satisfying than hedonic happiness, and it engages different parts of the brain," says Richard J. Davidson, PhD, of the University of Wisconsin-Madison. "The positive emotion accompanying thoughts that are directed toward meaningful goals is one of the most enduring components of well-being." Eudaimonia is also good for the body. Women who scored high on psychological tests for it (they were purposefully engaged in life, pursued self-development) weighed less, slept better, and had fewer stress hormones and markers for heart disease than others—including those reporting hedonic happiness—according to a study led by Carol Ryff, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison.

2. They design their lives to bring in joy.

It may seem obvious, but "people don't devote enough time to thinking seriously about how they spend their life and how much of it they actually enjoy," says David Schkade, PhD, a psychologist and professor of management at the University of California San Diego. In a recent study, Schkade and colleagues asked more than 900 working women to write down everything they'd done the day before. Afterward, they reviewed their diaries and evaluated how they felt at each point. When the women saw how much time they spent on activities they didn't like, "some people had tears in their eyes," Schkade says. "They didn't realize their happiness was something they could design and have control over."

Analyzing one's life isn't necessarily easy and may require questioning long-held assumptions. A high-powered career might, in fact, turn out to be unfulfilling; a committed relationship once longed for could end up being irritating with all the compromising that comes with having a partner. Dreams can be hard to abandon, even when they've turned sour.

Fortunately, changes don't have to be big ones to tip the joy in your favor. Schkade says that if you transfer even an hour of your day from an activity you hate (commuting, scrubbing the bathroom) to one you like (reading, spending time with friends), you should see a significant improvement in your overall happiness. Taking action is key. Another recent study, at the University of Missouri, compared college students who made intentional changes (joining a club, upgrading their study habits) with others who passively experienced positive turns in their circumstances (receiving a scholarship, being relieved of a bad roommate). All the students were happier in the short term, but only the group who made deliberate changes stayed that way.

3. They avoid "if only" fantasies.

If only I get a better job...find a man...lose the weight...life will be perfect. Happy people don't buy into this kind of thinking.

The latest research shows that we're surprisingly bad at predicting what will make us happy. People also tend to misjudge their contentment when zeroing in on a single aspect of their life—it's called the focusing illusion. In one study, single subjects were asked, "How happy are you with your life in general?" and "How many dates did you have last month?" When the dating question was asked first, their romantic life weighed more heavily into how they rated their overall happiness than when the questions were reversed.

The other argument against "if only" fantasies has to do with "hedonic adaptation"—the brain's natural dimming effect, which guarantees that a new house won't generate the same pleasure a year after its purchase and the thrill of having a boyfriend will ebb as you get used to being part of a couple. Happy people are wise to this, which is why they keep their lives full of novelty, even if it's just trying a new activity (diving, yoga) or putting a new spin on an old favorite (kundalini instead of vinyasa).

4. They put best friends first.

It's no surprise that social engagement is one of the most important contributors to happiness. What's news is that the nature of the relationship counts. Compared with dashing around chatting with acquaintances, you get more joy from spending longer periods of time with a close friend, according to research by Meliksah Demir, PhD, assistant professor of psychology at Northern Arizona University. And the best-friend benefit doesn't necessarily come from delving into heavy discussions. One of the most essential pleasures of close friendship, Demir found, is simple companionship, "just hanging out," as he says, hitting the mall or going to the movies together and eating popcorn in the dark.

5. They allow themselves to be happy.

As much as we all think we want it, many of us are convinced, deep down, that it's wrong to be happy (or too happy). Whether the belief comes from religion, culture, or the family you were raised in, it usually leaves you feeling guilty if you're having fun.

"Some people would say you shouldn't strive for personal happiness until you've taken care of everyone in the world who is starving or doesn't have adequate medical care," says Howard Cutler, MD, coauthor with the Dalai Lama of The Art of Happiness in a Troubled World. "The Dalai Lama believes you should pursue both simultaneously. For one thing, there is clear research showing that happy people tend to be more open to helping others. They also make better spouses and parents." And in one famous study, nuns whose autobiographies expressed positive emotions (such as gratitude and optimism) lived seven to 10-and-a-half years longer than other nuns. So, for any die-hard pessimist who still needs persuading, just think of how much more you can help the world if you allow a little happiness into your life.

Isn't it powerful?? Working toward being purposefully engaged in life, toward developing one's self can help to neutralize stress and create happiness. But only if we work to bring joy into our lives, and avoid getting trapped in narrowly banded fantasies of what might make us happy. And only if we are prepared to accept happiness.

I recognize I've addressed two vastly different topics in this post: serenity/calm and happiness. But for me they're very connected. When I am serene and calm, I am able to feel content. And when I am content I am generally happy.

I don't feel that I'm being greedy here. I am frequently having conversations with my clients around the fleeting nature of all emotional states. I know that these states I'm looking for are fleeting...but I'm hoping to get myself into a habit of seeking them out by making space in my life for them. I have space in my life to be content and happy. I really believe it.

Money Managment and the Coffee Crazy

My student loans are coming due in February. Eek! Every graduate student knows that this moment will come...and in some ways it is a relief. I won't have to dread it any more.

Prior to this loan repayment business I've been squirrling away money for yet another trip to Hawaii (July--woot!), shopping for more "grown up" professional clothes (possibly, blogs to follow on this adventure), and investing in my health in a preventative way. By this I mean purchasing primarily organic produce and meats, paying for gym and yoga studio memberships, and in general just investing in my body.

The truth is, though, that my student loan debt is the only debt I've had in my life. I paid for my undergrad--which was private--by working my ass off (30ish hours a week) and finishing a semester early. I'm from a family in which debt is unacceptable. I've never held a credit card balance for more than 2 months.

This business of "unacceptable" debt isn't a bad thing, it has kept my head in a responsible place. I've made good decisions. But it has the capacity for making me a little crazy.

Background: My great-grandmother was from Germany and had a general mistrust of the government and banks. She hid hundred dollar bills in her house--you could find them under couch cushions, between the mattresses, etc. My grandmother had a similar frugal attitude due to her experience of having nothing during the Great Depression. My mother is incredibly frugal and thrifty as a result of her upbringing and caring for a family ranging from 4-7 on one income.

And me? I occasionally get into a place where--often for no apparent reason--I begin a manic evaluation of every item in my home to decide what I might be able to sell on Craigslist. Anything can tip me in this direction...maybe hearing a financial piece on NPR, maybe hearing a friend talk about their difficulties with debt, maybe spending "too much" on a cardigan I've been coveting for months. Once I am in this place, I am not rational. My boyfriend jokes that during these times we need to "bolt the cat down," or make him (the cat) work the corner for his kibble.

My psychologist hat goes on for this issue, and I think, "How can I make sustainable change? How can I set goals for myself that are realistic, timely, and managable?" The answer for here/now......? The coffee culprit!!!



I spend at least $2.00 a day on coffee. At least. That is if I purchase one drip coffee per day. I often purchase two. On weekends, my boyfriend and I go out for a latte as our "special treat." Those range in cost from $4 - $6. If I ONLY drank one $2 coffee daily, this would come out to an expense of $730 per year. That number is conservative. I often purchase my boyfriend's coffee for him, or double up on drip on "hard days" at work. I would estimate that I spend in the range of $1,000 - $1,500 a year on coffee.

Before you get all judgy, I must explain...I have an emotional attachment, and possibly psychological & physical addiction, to coffee. I have been drinking it since I was 5 or so. I would sneak into the lap of adults at the card table and take sips of coffee while I learned pinnochile. This led me to be a card shark at a young age, and later, a neurotic adult with a love of coffee. As a teen I would pour a cup and chat with adults because it made me feel more grown up. As a college student I got a job in a coffeeshop to cut my expense. During my shift I got a free drink (QUAD Americano, Yeah!!) and any other time it was 1/2 price.

For Christmas I asked for a thermos to nip this in the bud. I am happy to report that I am on month 2 of not having purchased a single coffee on my own dime. I purchase drip & make it every morning. For Christmas my boyfriend & I recieved Starbucks gift cards that were >$60 in value, so we've been using those for our "special" treats on weekends.

On another front, I think that yoga has chilled out my autonomic nervous system and that my tolerance for caffeine is slipping. If I drink too much I can't sleep. This is new for me and I'm cool with it.

Just like any other task taken on, I believe that I'm at the point where this has become habitual. The savings might not seem monumental, but when you add them on to things like, oh, we are also no longer eating lunches out during the week (we literally ate out every. single. day...) it really adds up.

All in all, this is a pretty monumental success on both financial and presonal levels. I think my mom and grandma would be proud. Also, I think it is better than trying to sell the cat on craigslist.