Our Bozarth Mansion Wedding

I'm a Mrs! At least, on the marriage certificate. I still need to do a LOT of name changing with the state, my licensing board, and a flurry of other agencies. Our wedding was beautiful and we were so glad that we kept our venue despite having moved away from the area. We were told that ours was the most intimate wedding of the summer, with most people opting for guest lists in excess of 100, and in most cases 200. The smallness was so wonderful. I wasn't at all stressed and had an opportunity to speak with nearly all of our guests, except a few shy folks who took off quickly after the reception.

Having over TWO YEARS to plan was a blessing and a curse. In the time that we waited for the "right time" for our wedding, two other friends were engaged and married, and one even forgot that we had been engaged first and began telling us all about how wonderful engagement/marriage was! This fully activated my competitive spirit and jealousy. I was so in love and our date seemed so far on the horizon. When I left my job for greener pastures I had some regret that we hadn't just had some sort of shotgun wedding.

In the end, though, it was so worth it. I created a schedule and began purchasing all of the items I could dream up to create a whimsical and perfect day. Including 2 pairs of shoes. Just in case.

We were married 8 months after I began my new job. Without any sustained effort, I had lost 10 lbs because I was so much happier in my work. A dress that had a large gap in the back when my generous grandmother purchased it for me fit like a dream on the day of the wedding and was incredibly comfortable.

Bit by bit, in classic bride style, I splurged on details for our big day. Instead of planning seeming to be a chore, it began to get really fun as each month for a period of about 7 months, I would look forward to packages showing up on our front porch.

Hand-painted signs from Etsy. Upcycled spoon bracelets for my bridesmaids; a part of their thank-you gift(s) along with regional honey and a "7 year pen."

In true groom fashion, my now husband wasn't terribly interested in planning for the details but happily accepted the chore of finding us a classical guitarist for the ceremony and reception. SO MANY of our guests raved about this guy in the weeks afterward. And he only broke my "No Disney, No Broadway!" rule for music once. And frankly, I didn't even notice because he disguised it so well, until one of my bridesmaids pointed out that he snuck in something from Aladdin. Egads! ;) He was fantastic and if he was messing with me, I love it. My kinda guy.

Our greatest find was our wedding photographer: A laid-back Montanan with a background on photojournalism. As someone who likes to protect my privacy on the web, it wasn't difficult to find all of these beautiful shots of detail to post to my blog. He had an amazing eye and really captured the spirit of our day. (Photo credit: Mike McCall, McCall Media, http://mccallmedia1.com/)

Another fantastic decision was to book a caterer who took care of all set-up and centerpieces. This left only wedding party flowers to purchase, which I splurged bit on. No close-ups of those, but trust me--worth the splurge. It was so nice to not have to worry about tear-down or setting up our decor. They did a fantastic job and was one of the reasons that the day was utterly stress-free.

Pies from my favorite bakery in Montana, regional wine, and champagne rounded out the laidback feel that we were hoping for. We purchased a small cake for a cutting, which was AMAZING (Sweet Frostings Bakery), but the pies really stole the show (The Break; Missoula, MT).

I could write so much more; and maybe I will another day. My husband was so gracious with letting me integrate pieces of MT into the day: logs that we set pies atop of, and even a Montana Blessing at the end of our ceremony. So even though I didn't get married in my homestate (I didn't ever really think that I would)...it felt like a MT wedding to me. Most of all, it felt like a wedding. I found a really beautiful quote online months before the wedding: "Remember that this is a wedding and not a production. As long as two people are married at the end, everything went okay." I used this as my mantra and ended up relaxing about the whole thing. Amazingly, nothing really went wrong on the day itself with exception of 10 or so RSVPs not showing up due to various emergencies or personal circumstances. Something we could've never planned for, anyway. It's really true what they say about your wedding day being over so quickly, and so I soaked up advice about soaking in the day and taking time to enjoy. It didn't feel slow, but it also didn't feel like a crazy production that was over in a flash. It felt: Perfect.

I QUIT!!

To date, one of the most liberating experiences of my life has been that of quitting my soul-crushing job. Sugar coat it: I did. Make the best of it: Check. Go every day and remind myself that it's work that I love and was born to do (and that I cared deeply for my clients): Double check. Bury myself in work to see if keeping my head to the ground and doing great work would keep me distracted and everyone else happy: Absolutely. But putting up with daily sexism paired with vacillations between stonewalling and verbal abuse from upper management became too much to bear and I began looking for jobs months ago.

As luck (?) would have it, the job that I've wanted since finishing grad school came available. The circumstances were so perfect that it truly felt like fate. In fact, when I quit my job and my employer became teary eyed (SERIOUSLY??!) and apologized for his treatment of me, I responded by saying, "Honestly, it was for the best. It served as a catalyst for me to move onto better things."

Quitting was easy and incredibly difficult. Easy because I knew with every ounce of my being that it was the correct decision. Difficult because my employer had been so unpredictable that I feared that once I gave my notice he would retaliate. This retaliation came packaged as forced paid administrative leave. My coworkers were told that I was advised by HR that I'd done "such a great job" that I was given additional paid time off as a gesture of good will. I've never in my life worked in such a crazy place. My decision to terminate employment was completely voluntary, and I gave appropriate notice. But I was actually told by my employer that I should leave early and that saying goodbye to coworkers outside my immediate office was "unnecessary and inappropriate." Granted, when I told HR about this my employer's tune changed and suddenly I was the recipient of an office goodbye party.

The entire thing was crazy-making. It's been nearly 2 full weeks since I gave notice, and I still wake up and can't believe it's over. But it is. I will never have to go back to that job. I have learned firsthand how damaging it can be to one's health and relationships to stick with a job that is miserable. I pushed my limits and learned a lot about myself.

Now I had/have 35 days between jobs to take care of myself, enjoy my friends and family, and move. I have a job with the feds!! I am officially "in the system"! This is no small task - it involved the completion of a 20+ page application, physical exam, finger printing, background check, screening interview, and the list goes on. But it comes with many great benefits, including great opportunities for continuing education, career advancement...not to mention retirement, health insurance, and a great jump in income. Given that most of one's income growth happens within the first 5 years of employment in a given field, I was ready and glad for the jump.

I should note that none of this would have been possible without the love and blessing of my fiancé. In September after a particularly bad day, I was feeling really down (ok - I just deleted 'crying.' That's the real story...it was so bad that I was crying...)-- and looking at job postings. We had agreed not to move out of the area for 3 years, which felt like a death sentence. (That sounds dramatic when written, but it really did). I showed him the ad for my dream job, and he looked at me with sincerity and said, "Go for it. Apply and let's see what happens." When what happened meant that he would need to transfer schools yet again, he happily agreed to do so. And just 3 days ago we picked our new home. Yesterday we were approved for it. And now we are cleaning out our home and realizing that we get to begin a new life together.

Everything feels fresh and new, full of possibility and opportunity. It's exhilarating and terrifying. I really hope that things work out for us. I believe that they will.

Oh, and as an aside: I've lost nearly 10 pounds since learning that my shot at this job was pretty good. It's amazing what reducing stress can do for the waistline.

True North

I've been silent for quite some time because I have no laptop and because I've been contemplating the next move in life. I've been making the best of a bad situation-- Spending time with great people, working on remaining more physically active, and planning for my wedding.

In the past month I've had jam-packed weekends: Celebrating a friend's 30th birthday, and shopping for a wedding gown with my mother and grandmother. I've made beautiful memories and tried really hard to remember that bad moments don't equate to a bad life. I really do have a full and beautiful life.

Focusing my energies outside of work and onto other valued areas of my life has led me to recognize and trust my intuition and strength. Since I was a tiny child I've always had a true and steady sense of right and wrong. At times this has gotten me into trouble because it impacts the expectations that I hold for myself and others. But for the most part it has been a wonderful internal compass that always leads me to True North.

Recently I've silenced this voice and stomped on this compass out of a sense of loyalty (another personal trait that I often hold to a fault). But after months of silence and deference - I felt unwell and unhappy. I've found True North again, and changes are coming.

Things That Grow When Left Unattended

(1) My resilient garden: tomatoes, strawberries, raspberries
(2) The persistent warts on my fingers
(3) My to-do list
(4) My credit card debt
(5) My belly

At least raspberries made the list.

So here it is: The last 4 months have sucked balls, but I'm ready for a turn-around. I've been working out regurlary in an effort to crack down on #2 & #5 (I feel so much less stressed when working out regularly, not to mention it's nice to see the inches slide away). I've already begun to notice that clothes are fitting a little better. My posture is improving because I can feel my abs again, so I will count that as a success. I think I may be ready to set up an appointment with a dermatologist to crack down on these warts, because truly, one has been on my pointer finger for over TWO YEARS and I'm sick of attempting to CompoundW that shit off. I believe it has been frozen over 20x and not died, so we may be talking surgery.

But back to the sucking part. If I had to sum it up in a forum that I recognize to be quazi-public (and therefore, I monitor myself), I would say: My boss lied. Big, mega lies. Then he worked to cover his lies. As a result of his lies and his unsuccessful attempt to cover them, he simply eliminate the position that he had promoted me into and this resulted in a loss of income (see item #4). HR was present for all of this, and my name is fully cleared of any wrongdoing; however, this didn't un-do what had been done (eliminating my position). I am now in my original position and he claims publicly that I am a "highly valued employee," but doesn't speak to me in meetings. Much of this seems gender-based, as I notice that he is much more engaged with male employees and trainees. He tends to ask them more direct questions. When he hears responses from multiple sources, he will cite the men before the women.

I had thought that I was out of the woods so far as work-related-interpersonal-stress was considered, and had consequently quit going to yoga months prior to this. In fact, I hadn't been working out much at all and when I look back on it, it's probably because I wasn't very happy. Work was sucking far before any of this went down, and with other life stressors piled on top of it, I was a sad panda.

There have been times that I've considered throwing in the towel & looking for a new sub-field of employment. I really enjoyed corrections & think that maybe that is a group of folks that I could really jive with. But I don't think this is so much about me, as the environment I'm in. And I do really enjoy the clients I see here, so I'm reluctant to leave that.

So here I sit with a long to-do list, some significant motivation to once again cut back on expenses & reduce debt, and a good start on working out. I've been swimming, running, weight lifting, but haven't gone back to yoga. Honestly, my studio is so small that I'm ashamed that my teachers might see how far I've fallen. Basically, I'm ready to rise up in a sort of righteous indignation & be a fuckin' hot bride. I get married in about 12 months & would like to be in a better place (mentally, physically) for that day. So it's time to make it happen.

Also, I would like to buy a puppy. That's probably impulsive...today I looked up golden retriever pups and they're $1,000. But I'm convinced that this would improve my quality of life. I might think on it for a few months.

Thoughts on Success

"The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure." ~ Sven Goran Eriksson


I applied for huge promotion a month ago, and was selected for the job a few weeks ago. I have known about this (potential) promotion for the better part of a year, but was scared to speak of it online dare I curse it. I found myself battling this crippling fear of failure. What if I applied--in the place I worked--and was interviewed by all of my colleagues and not selected? I would be embarrassed. I would have to face these people and shrug it off, and then I would have to meet my new boss and be okay with knowing they had the position I wanted? Ouch. When people reassured me with comments such as, "Seriously, even applying is huge. You're 29 & nobody would expect you to be an administrator yet," I felt comforted only for short periods of time.

My poor fiance has heard enough talk around this to last a lifetime.

Long story short: Facing possible rejection threw my delicately balanced sense of equilibrium out of whack. Anyone who has been reading my humble blog for the past few months, or who has any sort of personal relationship to me can attest to this. I honestly considered--really considered--pulling my application out. Friends and my fiance had to talk sense into me, "Wait and see what happens, you don't know the outcome, we have a good feeling about this, if you decide you don't want it you can turn it down."

Needless to say, I'm happy that I didn't pull my application. I almost stood in the way of my own success in a very big way. This isn't uncommon for educated women (See Clance's research on Imposter Phenomenon- http://paulineroseclance.com/pdf/ip_high_achieving_women.pdf from the 1970's for background, or flip through popular media stories to hear famous and brilliant women speak of the fear they experienced before landing a "big break"). I do think it is something I need to work through.


Our culture programs us to reject failure. We are raised in a structured and supervised world in which we take report cards back to mom and dad, and try to please our teachers. One only needs to look as far as a college student weeping over their first "C" grade to comprehend the possible negative consequence of this well-intended norm of our highly individualized culture. If one's self-worth is based primarily on external validation of my intelligence or attractiveness or any other "measurable" quality, there is an incredible risk to the challenge of this self-worth when other's don't provide positive feedback. Even though this feedback is often subjective in nature, years of programming teach us to give it weight and credibility.

Call me crazy, but that doesn't sound like a great way to live. I would rather move toward an internal locus of control and grounded self-concept.

We are taught to "reach for the stars," but this abstraction is just that. Reach for the stars and.....all of your dreams will come true? Or maybe you will miss, but you will have grown from the process. Or maybe you will miss and you will be truly devastated. Shaken to your core. But you'll get through it eventually. People don't like to talk about those possibilities.

For every high there is a low, and that is just a fact of life. For as much success I have experienced in my career to date, I have experienced an equal amount of disappointment. From these disappointments I have grown. It hasn't been easy, but it has been beautiful. Like a teenager coming to terms with their changing body I have at times felt clumsy or lost before feeling grounded, capable, and at peace.

What I know is this: A life lived in fear is a life half lived. The most fulfilling things in my life have been preceded by fear. Relationships, hobbies, academic and career pursuits. In each one I have to fight the voice in the back of my head that threatens to pull myself out of the race.

As I move into the summer and my new position, I am drawn toward a goal of hearing my "fearful" inner voice and gently & mindfully moving past it. Sort of a, "Oh, there you are. I knew you'd be there to remind me that this could go terribly wrong. Thanks for that...but honestly, things have been pretty much okay and even when they aren't...I am."

To guide this venture, I am going to set my eyes on the message of Akhilandeshvari, the Hindu Goddess of Never Not Broken. She derives her power from embracing change and the flux that is life. Riding a crocodile (representing fear) she doesn't reject fear or let it control her. She instead navigates rivers and land (life) atop this fear. (For more on this: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/why-being-broken-in-a-pile-on-your-bedroom-floor-is-a-good-idea--julie-jc-peters/).

That is a message I can get behind.