Things That Grow When Left Unattended

(1) My resilient garden: tomatoes, strawberries, raspberries
(2) The persistent warts on my fingers
(3) My to-do list
(4) My credit card debt
(5) My belly

At least raspberries made the list.

So here it is: The last 4 months have sucked balls, but I'm ready for a turn-around. I've been working out regurlary in an effort to crack down on #2 & #5 (I feel so much less stressed when working out regularly, not to mention it's nice to see the inches slide away). I've already begun to notice that clothes are fitting a little better. My posture is improving because I can feel my abs again, so I will count that as a success. I think I may be ready to set up an appointment with a dermatologist to crack down on these warts, because truly, one has been on my pointer finger for over TWO YEARS and I'm sick of attempting to CompoundW that shit off. I believe it has been frozen over 20x and not died, so we may be talking surgery.

But back to the sucking part. If I had to sum it up in a forum that I recognize to be quazi-public (and therefore, I monitor myself), I would say: My boss lied. Big, mega lies. Then he worked to cover his lies. As a result of his lies and his unsuccessful attempt to cover them, he simply eliminate the position that he had promoted me into and this resulted in a loss of income (see item #4). HR was present for all of this, and my name is fully cleared of any wrongdoing; however, this didn't un-do what had been done (eliminating my position). I am now in my original position and he claims publicly that I am a "highly valued employee," but doesn't speak to me in meetings. Much of this seems gender-based, as I notice that he is much more engaged with male employees and trainees. He tends to ask them more direct questions. When he hears responses from multiple sources, he will cite the men before the women.

I had thought that I was out of the woods so far as work-related-interpersonal-stress was considered, and had consequently quit going to yoga months prior to this. In fact, I hadn't been working out much at all and when I look back on it, it's probably because I wasn't very happy. Work was sucking far before any of this went down, and with other life stressors piled on top of it, I was a sad panda.

There have been times that I've considered throwing in the towel & looking for a new sub-field of employment. I really enjoyed corrections & think that maybe that is a group of folks that I could really jive with. But I don't think this is so much about me, as the environment I'm in. And I do really enjoy the clients I see here, so I'm reluctant to leave that.

So here I sit with a long to-do list, some significant motivation to once again cut back on expenses & reduce debt, and a good start on working out. I've been swimming, running, weight lifting, but haven't gone back to yoga. Honestly, my studio is so small that I'm ashamed that my teachers might see how far I've fallen. Basically, I'm ready to rise up in a sort of righteous indignation & be a fuckin' hot bride. I get married in about 12 months & would like to be in a better place (mentally, physically) for that day. So it's time to make it happen.

Also, I would like to buy a puppy. That's probably impulsive...today I looked up golden retriever pups and they're $1,000. But I'm convinced that this would improve my quality of life. I might think on it for a few months.

Getting Engaged Made Me Prettier

A little over a week ago, the man I have loved for nearly 2 years (in March--wow)! asked me to marry him. We have talked about marriage a lot, but the question still came as such a surprise that it took a few moments (okay, days) to sink in that we were actually engaged.

He asked on a Wednesday, and we went ring shopping the following weekend. By Monday we had picked the ring (and isn't it beautiful??!!) and by Friday it was on my hand.

Since this date, I have been pretty stinking happy. Nobody I pass on the street knows my huge smile is correlated to the ring on my hand, so they reciprocate with a big grin and say things like, "My, you have the most beautiful hair!" Or on the more benign end, "Good morning! Beautiful day, isn't it?!" It's true that we tend to find people who smile more attractive. Thus, I have concluded that getting engaged made me prettier. (Okay scientist friends, don't point out the errors in deduction on that one--I am savoring this!)

My heart feels light and happy. I haven't yet written "get engaged" or "get married" on my "Before 30 Bucket List;" (which I am still writing...it's a hard list to make!)however, there was a big part of me that wanted to reach this milestone in my 20's. I think it is my 12-year-old self, who once wrote in a journal a life plan that looked like this:



17 - Graduate High School
21 - Graduate College
23 - Get Married
24 - Have First Baby


Despite my huge diversion from this life plan; I think that if my 12-year-old self met me today, she would have been pretty proud. And that makes me feel good inside.

The world is my playground.

Tonight I feel like I have every option available to me, and none at all. In July my employment will end. This is my postdoctoral residency year and it has been a huge growth experience but has also been really trying. It has left me with the recognition that just because people make it all the way through a graduate program in psychology doesn't mean that they're the best people to be psychologists. Even psychologists have "issues," and this comes into the work place. Read: work related conflict (I think that it is the worst kind of conflict because of the type of work we do, talk about head games)!

These experiences have left me thinking about where I want to be next. At times I rule out entire settings because I think there may be a certain "type" of person attracted to that setting, and I am convinced that I must like my coworkers to like my job. But to play that game is to toy with the belief that I control things out of my control. The only thing I can control is me, sadly.

So lately I apply. And apply, and apply, and apply. I am such a good worker, and a hard worker. I am ethical and competent and articulate. But the economy is bad and the areas I would prefer to live are also highly desired by many other folks. This week I've been sick, and hard on myself for being sick. I only sent off one application. I didn't spend as much time studying as I could have had I been well. I'm really hard on myself even when I'm sick. You don't get this far in a career so quickly without being a tad neurotic.

Tonight, though, I want to focus on the things that are really great. So, I'll tick them off and then go to bed.

(1) I am in love. I am dating the most wonderful man and feel that my time in this town was worth all the ups and downs because I have him in my life.

(2) I am going to Hawaii (Kauai) in 2 months with said man. I have never been to Hawaii and will be staying for free in a fabulous time share with another couple (2 of my greatest friends on earth).

(3) I have some of the greatest friends in the world. I know that there are people in my life who would drop everything to come be with me at a moment's notice. I know this because it happened several years ago when I hit rock bottom.

(4) My family will always be there for me. Enough said.

(5) Every place I go becomes a home. Home is where I am and despite all my fears I make good friends and fantastic memories everywhere I go.

Those are the big ones. There are others, to be sure, but it is far too late for me to be awake when I am feeling this sick. After all, I have studying to do tomorrow.