Workplace PTSD

A few incidents this week reminded me of how TERRIBLE a workplace I left, and how incredibly fortunate I have been to find a relatively healthy workplace. I knew that my former job was soul crushing, largely because of an abusive boss. And by abusive, I mean sexist & verbally abusive (threats, intimidation, put-downs). The abuse took a toll on me, both during--and apparently after I left!

Two incidents served to remind me of this during the week:

(1) My boss came into my office with pursed lips after I'd made and fessed up to an error earlier in the day. My thoughts: "This is the end. I'm going to get canned for a minor error, or he's going to tell me that he's reported me to the chief, or that I can't go to my conference any more." Reality: Boss sat down & shared with me that he had applied for another position and wasn't selected, and that he was kind of disappointed.

Like a normal. dang. person. Having a normal conversation.

(2) My boss called me this evening after some shit hit the fan with a case I'm working on. My thoughts: "I must've messed up my documentation. I must've left something incomplete. Something terrible must have happened with the case and he's calling to give me the bad news." Reality: Boss called on his commute home to say that he missed saying goodbye to me and knew that I'd had a really heavy and emotionally trying day, and that he wanted to check in on me & make sure I was okay.

Working for my old employer, I gained over 20 lbs. I felt depressed and hopeless: Living for weekends and then devoid of energy when they finally rolled along because just going to work every day sucked the life out of me. In addition to being constantly sick, I was at the dermatologist 2-3x/monthly to burn off warts that just wouldn't go away. My blood pressure went up 15 points. All of these things have resolved since moving. ALL of them.

But the emotional sequela is going to take a bit longer to clear.

Did you know that workplace PTSD is kind of a thing? It's under the umbrella of workplace bullying. This site has user-friendly descriptions (http://www.workplacebullying.org/individuals/problem/early-signs/), and the following really spoke to me:

"Targets are independent. They refuse to be subservient. Bullies seek to enslave targets. When targets take steps to preserve their dignity, their right to be treated with respect, bullies escalate their campaigns of hatred and intimidation to wrest control of the target's work from the target. According to the 2007 WBI-Zogby Survey, 45% of targeted individuals suffer stress-related health problems. Additional findings regarding targets' health can be found in WBI research and the PTSD-related research by others posted at this site."

Any time I stood up for myself, I was smacked down. My requests to be treated like a human being were never outlandish, but on several occasions were met with open laughter during staff meetings, where my boss would proceed to spread himself out in a power-position and mock me.

I wish I was kidding. I wish I would've written about this sooner, because it feels GOOD. Honestly, I was afraid to. I was afraid he'd come after me and sue the pants off of me, even though I would never directly identify him publicly (frankly, due to this fear). And I was ashamed. And frankly, I was too fucking traumatized. I turned my boss in to the EEO reps on campus after the millionth degrading statement about women came out of his mouth. He had already befriended this person and they turned me away. I turned him in to HR--3 separate people on 3 separate occasions. Minor behavioral changes ensued and then he would up the ante as soon as they turned their attention onto other matters. I felt incredibly alone.

Since I have left, he has turned his bullying behavior toward the next most senior person in the clinic. He now gives large gifts and privileges to the lowest employees and refuses this individual a raise despite her being the lowest paid psychologist to work there in the past 5 yrs.

My husband is the kindest, most compassionate man I have ever met. When I came home from work sobbing one day, he said that he's never wanted to hurt someone so much in his life. This was about 1.5-2 yrs ago now, and don't worry, he never did anything to my former boss. But this man literally took an intelligent, independent woman and just did everything in his power to fucking break her. And toward the end, I was too broken to want to do anything but crawl into a bathtub, and then into bed.

For the first time in my life, I started an antidepressant. If you've gotten this far into my blog it's because either (a) you're a friend who cares, or (b) this is happening to you and it feels validating/normalizing to know that someone else went through it. So I'll try not to be shy about the fact that I never publicly announced this. I kept it pretty private, because I was ashamed of it, too. But I had fallen into such a dark hole that I needed a way out. I was plagued by vacillating sadness and panic attacks. I couldn't continue in that way. So I went to my doctor, and then I went to a psychologist and began talking about how I would begin rebuilding my confidence so that I could go look for a new job.

I don't want this to turn into a pity-party story, because although there will still be moments where I am "triggered" and must remind myself that I'm safe, and happy. I feel like a victor. I can feel myself getting angry as I write this, and that feels wonderful because for so long I was just scared. He had me convinced that I was no good in my profession and couldn't work anywhere else (see verbal put-downs...)! I am proud to announce that I know for a fact: I MAKE MORE MONEY THAN HE DOES. God that feels nice. But even nicer is knowing I have something he never will: The respect and admiration of my colleagues.

When my former coworker tells me stories about him (often--she's miserable) I encourage her to get out because there is no fighting against this bully. He's borderline corporate sociopath with the way that he's managed to build connections that prevent any of his employees from seeking support externally, in order to ensure his abuse can continue. And then I remind myself that I DO believe in Karma, and Karma is a real bitch.

So that is the story of how it is that I came to catastrophic thinking this week while at my lovely job with nice people. It is going to take me a while to really heal from the experience of my former job.

Imagine all of that happening, and then planning both a formal wedding and a move and career shift. I am one strong woman. That is what I've learned from all of this. I may have been broken down temporarily, but I came out stronger than ever before. And when I left that God-awful job, and my boss mumbled some apology for his behavior, I was able to say, "Honestly, it was the catalyst that propelled me onto bigger and better things. I probably would've been content to just sit in this job and I wouldn't have ever known what I was capable of."

And it's been true. :)

Our Bozarth Mansion Wedding

I'm a Mrs! At least, on the marriage certificate. I still need to do a LOT of name changing with the state, my licensing board, and a flurry of other agencies. Our wedding was beautiful and we were so glad that we kept our venue despite having moved away from the area. We were told that ours was the most intimate wedding of the summer, with most people opting for guest lists in excess of 100, and in most cases 200. The smallness was so wonderful. I wasn't at all stressed and had an opportunity to speak with nearly all of our guests, except a few shy folks who took off quickly after the reception.

Having over TWO YEARS to plan was a blessing and a curse. In the time that we waited for the "right time" for our wedding, two other friends were engaged and married, and one even forgot that we had been engaged first and began telling us all about how wonderful engagement/marriage was! This fully activated my competitive spirit and jealousy. I was so in love and our date seemed so far on the horizon. When I left my job for greener pastures I had some regret that we hadn't just had some sort of shotgun wedding.

In the end, though, it was so worth it. I created a schedule and began purchasing all of the items I could dream up to create a whimsical and perfect day. Including 2 pairs of shoes. Just in case.

We were married 8 months after I began my new job. Without any sustained effort, I had lost 10 lbs because I was so much happier in my work. A dress that had a large gap in the back when my generous grandmother purchased it for me fit like a dream on the day of the wedding and was incredibly comfortable.

Bit by bit, in classic bride style, I splurged on details for our big day. Instead of planning seeming to be a chore, it began to get really fun as each month for a period of about 7 months, I would look forward to packages showing up on our front porch.

Hand-painted signs from Etsy. Upcycled spoon bracelets for my bridesmaids; a part of their thank-you gift(s) along with regional honey and a "7 year pen."

In true groom fashion, my now husband wasn't terribly interested in planning for the details but happily accepted the chore of finding us a classical guitarist for the ceremony and reception. SO MANY of our guests raved about this guy in the weeks afterward. And he only broke my "No Disney, No Broadway!" rule for music once. And frankly, I didn't even notice because he disguised it so well, until one of my bridesmaids pointed out that he snuck in something from Aladdin. Egads! ;) He was fantastic and if he was messing with me, I love it. My kinda guy.

Our greatest find was our wedding photographer: A laid-back Montanan with a background on photojournalism. As someone who likes to protect my privacy on the web, it wasn't difficult to find all of these beautiful shots of detail to post to my blog. He had an amazing eye and really captured the spirit of our day. (Photo credit: Mike McCall, McCall Media, http://mccallmedia1.com/)

Another fantastic decision was to book a caterer who took care of all set-up and centerpieces. This left only wedding party flowers to purchase, which I splurged bit on. No close-ups of those, but trust me--worth the splurge. It was so nice to not have to worry about tear-down or setting up our decor. They did a fantastic job and was one of the reasons that the day was utterly stress-free.

Pies from my favorite bakery in Montana, regional wine, and champagne rounded out the laidback feel that we were hoping for. We purchased a small cake for a cutting, which was AMAZING (Sweet Frostings Bakery), but the pies really stole the show (The Break; Missoula, MT).

I could write so much more; and maybe I will another day. My husband was so gracious with letting me integrate pieces of MT into the day: logs that we set pies atop of, and even a Montana Blessing at the end of our ceremony. So even though I didn't get married in my homestate (I didn't ever really think that I would)...it felt like a MT wedding to me. Most of all, it felt like a wedding. I found a really beautiful quote online months before the wedding: "Remember that this is a wedding and not a production. As long as two people are married at the end, everything went okay." I used this as my mantra and ended up relaxing about the whole thing. Amazingly, nothing really went wrong on the day itself with exception of 10 or so RSVPs not showing up due to various emergencies or personal circumstances. Something we could've never planned for, anyway. It's really true what they say about your wedding day being over so quickly, and so I soaked up advice about soaking in the day and taking time to enjoy. It didn't feel slow, but it also didn't feel like a crazy production that was over in a flash. It felt: Perfect.

Vacation Diaries - Kauai Day 2

I had to ask my fiance what we did on the second day we were in Kauai. It was the least eventful of the set because we spent much of it (a) relaxing, and (b) figuring out what the rest of the week would hold. None the less, I have deemed it blog worthy.

On day 2 we woke up and decided that we would just hang out on the beach. Last year we packed our schedule so full that we spent our final days wishing we had swam more and sat on the beach with books in hand. We didn't want the same regret this year (but strangely--ended up with it).

I spent the morning making phone calls: Helicopter company (what? you want our weights? let me go in another room to tell you that....), Catamaran company, Hindu Temple (tours booked 'till late August? sad panda...), local garden, and resort spa. After throwing down a ton of money to hold reservations, we showered and grabbed coffee @ the resort. So began day 1 of my island conviction: "I'm drinking a coconut mocha every single day that we're here."

By the way, I gained somewhere between 3-4 lbs on this vacay. Good thing I had lost over 10 before going on it...

We headed to Hanalei from Princeville to rent snorkel gear before hitting the beach. Paul, my friend's husband, made his position of refusal to ride in my Jeep known to all ("she's going to tip it, those things aren't safe...") and so we took 2 cars. I somehow convinced my friend to ride in the Jeep. She struggled to get in--in the most unlady-like fashion. There were underwear and arms, and there was laughter and shame at modesty foregone. Kat is probably one of the most modest people I know, and so it became my mission to get her to ride in the Jeep as much as possible. Last year it was my mission to get her to pee in the ocean...she had gone her entire life without urinating in open water (who does that)??

We got to Hanalei and believed that the boys (save my fiance, who was with us) would follow us into the parking lot. They didn't. We later discovered that they had followed another white Jeep, and that Paul had spent the trip marveling at how safely I was driving until he watched the Jeep park and observed an overweight and rather burly man in his early-50's got out.

We rented snorkel gear and PS bought an incredible "tourist hat" for our hike (Napali coastline) later in the week. Then off we went to Tunnel's Beach for our first snorkling adventure of the trip.

We couldn't swim without first having Shave Ice at the stand...I opted for Coconut and Passion Fruit, PS went for the banana coconut smoothie. We all sat in the shade and watched tanned tourists of all sizes mozey by.



(The sun through palm trees at Tunnels Beach)

The beach was beautiful but there were "high tide--danger" signs everywhere. I recklessly jumped in and swam out until the waves weren't pushing me around so violently. I looked back to see that the rest of my party had abandoned the quest, so I decided to just stay out for a few minutes...or until I saw a turtle.

30-45 minutes and 1 turtle later I returned to a party who were reportedly "starving to death" and very bored. They asked if I had found Atlantis and insisted that we come back to the beach when the wind was down and visibility was better. Admittidly, it was the worst visibility I've ever encountered at Tunnels.



We headed back to Hanalei where we made our first of 2 stops at Tahiti Nui to eat what all of us have determined is the Best Pizza We've Ever Had. EVER. Fresh pineapple, sweet and smoky ham, a sweet crust dripping with flavorful sauce and cheese that melts and slips around (as opposed to whatever stationary cheese product it is that they put on pizza's these days). We chased it with Mai Tai's and Passion Fruit Martinis before heading back to the resort.

I don't remember what we did that first night...chances is that it was Carcassone on the 2 I-pads & smart-phone, followed by swimming. That was the routine for much of the trip. I do remember that we all went to bed relatively "early" so that we could be refreshed for our helicopter tour the next day. And that we slept like babies.

Life Is Great

My fiance and I try to get some quality time in every day, but some days it looks like me laying in bed with him for 20 minutes before he has to go to sleep--and then returning to my living room lair for another several hours before I get tired. Our work schedules don't overlap so well...he goes to work before I'm even barely conscious.

Yesterday was his birthday. Tonight he looked at me while we were chatting and said, "You know what I was thinking today?" And I..."...what, love?" And he, "I was thinking, I am loved."

Lately that is the sentiment I've had. I've been absent in blog land for a month because I vacationed to Kauai with 3 of my favorite people (future blogs to come - I'm thinking of doing a day-by-day recount while it is still relatively fresh). I also was surprised by a visit from my best friend from college. I joined my best friend from grad school for her 30th birthday and we laughed until our faces hurt. I went to watch Brandi Carlile in concert and bumped into another friend from grad school who I haven't seen in years. She was as beautiful and fun as I remember her and I was kicking myself for getting so wrapped up in internship/postdoc that I haven't visited people I really care about.

I have been reminded over the past month how many great people I have in my life. Yesterday my fiance & I celebrated his birthday and he gushed over the gifts I purchased for him. This week I've been to Ashtanga twice and just feel so thankful that I have a healthy body that is so flexible and strong.

It's an understatement to say that I needed a vacation. It was so good for my soul. Because it was so good--I scheduled a 4-day Mindfulness/DBT conference with a friend in October. I'll also be joining her family for Thanksgiving (and hopefully mine for Christmas, perhaps staying with my best bud from undergrad). And again at an Oregon Coast beachhouse next summer. In between all of these things, I hope to pencil in all of the other people in my life who I care about. Or at least--make room in my life for them to pop by any time.

A month ago I would've told you I couldn't imagine another straight year of work. I just needed to recharge. I'm really excited for the rush of my work to begin again. A new psychologist starts at our center on Monday & she's rad. I hope that she can be my friend, even though I'm technically her boss. Oh yes, I'm a boss! This is sinking in. I'm so glad to have more diversity in my days. This week I was given paperwork for my UW clinical faculty position. Long story, but in short--SWEET.

I am loved. Life is great. That is all.

Living for Weekends

As always, I have many a thought swirling around and have been thinking all weekend about blogging. But what is most on my mind is something I'm not "inspired" about, but rather something I'm feeling guilty about. It is: I live for the weekends.

I work at a job every day where we talk about "finding your passion." I'm surrounded by this idea...and feel a lot of pressure to prove that I've found my passion. It seems that others are convinced that one has found their passion when (A) They see that you're working more (e.g., more hours), and (B) that you're produce more (e.g., projects or other things with tangible results). But see, this seems like a problem. Picking apart this statement we can see that some blue-collar values (working long hours and having something to show for it) have snuck into this picture.

I really like my job on most days. I can't say it enough. Although I DON'T love office politics, and believe that they exist in every agency, I do love clinical work. That said, here are things that I love equally, and in some cases, even more:

Spending time with my fiance
Walking my cat
Practicing Ashtanga Yoga, running
Keeping a home (clean, beautiful, welcoming)
Traveling to new and exciting (or old and familiar) places
Catching up with family
Visiting with friends
Cooking and baking
Reading fiction
Playing piano
Memory keeping (photo albums, journals, scrapbooks)
Time outdoors (fishing, swimming, hiking)
Meditation

I could probably write a much longer list, however, it is late and I have been sick all weekend long. That means that since Friday night I have been primarily sitting on my couch and/or sleeping. I am still sick and am fretting about whether to call in tomorrow and have my appointments for the day cancelled.

I feel ripped off. I spent a great portion of last week looking forward to the weekend, and then I spent the weekend sick.

This whole work/life balance thing just seems to be eluding me. I work for it, think I've found it, settle into it, and then someone at work challenges me to take on evening responsibilities that are outside my job description and challenges my commitment to my work (direct quote: "Well, I can understand if you're not passionate about working with X group of students") when I politely decline in the interest of maintain said work/life balance. Any feeling of homeostasis that I had for half a second flies out the window and I'm back to square one. It lends to this feeling of "making it through the week" in order to get to the weekend, rather than really being present with my experiences of the week. I'm clearly not satisfied with it (as evidenced by blogging about work on what? Yes, a weekend).

What I can change: My attitude, my approach.
What I can't change: Well, basically everything else.

As I write this I'm realizing that part of my "attitude" change may be simply not allowing myself to be phased by any attempts to attack my work ethic. It is a sneaky tactic. I am willing to bet that it is highly effective with many people.

Other ideas? Or does everyone else live for the weekends, too? I've shared this experience with a number of girlfriends who are also psychologists, and they have expressed similar feelings ("oh yeah, my job is great but every day I'm just counting down 'till the weekend"). I mean, this is my first "official" job. This is my first time with ZERO vacation days for an entire year. Is this simply adult life? Do I just need a vacation?

Searching For Om

Om is not just a sound or vibration. It is not just a symbol. It is the entire cosmos, whatever we can see, touch, hear and feel. Moreover, it is all that is within our perception and all that is beyond our perception. It is the core of our very existence. If you think of Om only as a sound, a technique or a symbol of the Divine, you will miss it altogether. ..... Om is the mysterious cosmic energy that is the substratum of all the things and all the beings of the entire universe. It is an eternal song of the Divine. It is continuously resounding in silence on the background of everything that exists. ~Amit Ray, Om Chanting & Meditation

At my yoga shala we do Sanskrit call and response before our yoga practice. We typically begin the call and response with "Om," and sometimes we end our practice with "Om" (other times, we end with Kirtan music - which resonates so deep in my soul after a hard physical practice that I have actually had tears come to my eyes in Savasana). This beginning and end are powerful for me because they are marked with first anxious anticipation and excitement for the practice in front of me, and then a sense of peace and connectedness with the practice I've left behind.

The later "Om" is what I find myself searching for so often in my daily life. I'm frustrated with my tendency to slip into a neurotic frenzy (okay, it's not that bad--but it feels that bad when I have this expectation of myself to be all chill and Zen).

The last few weeks have been a struggle for me at work. The focus of administrators and consequently, myself, has been on my weaknesses (or as we in the psychology biz like to say-- "Growth Edges" --oh God, how do I stand it sometimes)? I had to stop myself over the weekend and take a moment to reevaluate my MANY strenghts. Seriously, there are a ton. I'm not in this profession because I got lucky, I'm in it because it was right for me and I'm really good at it.

I say this now, but when I come home each day I find myself searching for the moment I have at the end of my yoga practice in order to pull my mind away from the troubles of the day. I search in different ways: I burn the incense my studio uses for a cheap thrill of association (man I love that I can "cheat" my brain). I read and I ponder. I call friends and reflect. I go to yoga and attempt to create it--sometimes with success.

Tonight I read several things that really touched me. One was a list of meditation scripts given to me by a favorite professor in graduate school. I haven't touched them since 2007 and was happy to find them again. The other was entitled 5 Things Happy People Do, written by Gabrielle Leblanc, a writer and neuroscientist.

Although this will for an epic post make, I will post it in because I'd like to come back to it and read it again and again:

Sages going back to Socrates have offered advice on how to be happy, but only now are scientists beginning to address this question with systematic, controlled research. Although many of the new studies reaffirm time-honored wisdom ("Do what you love," "To thine own self be true"), they also add a number of fresh twists and insights. We canvassed the leading experts on what happy people have in common—and why it's worth trying to become one of them.

1. They find their most golden self.

Picture happiness. What do you see? A peaceful soul sitting in a field of daisies appreciating the moment? That kind of passive, pleasure-oriented—hedonic—contentment is definitely a component of overall happiness. But researchers now believe that eudaimonic well-being may be more important. Cobbled from the Greek eu ("good") and daimon ("spirit" or "deity"), eudaimonia means striving toward excellence based on one's unique talents and potential—Aristotle considered it to be the noblest goal in life. In his time, the Greeks believed that each child was blessed at birth with a personal daimon embodying the highest possible expression of his or her nature. One way they envisioned the daimon was as a golden figurine that would be revealed by cracking away an outer layer of cheap pottery (the person's baser exterior). The effort to know and realize one's most golden self—"personal growth," in today's lingo—is now the central concept of eudaimonia, which has also come to include continually taking on new challenges and fulfilling one's sense of purpose in life.

"Eudaimonic well-being is much more robust and satisfying than hedonic happiness, and it engages different parts of the brain," says Richard J. Davidson, PhD, of the University of Wisconsin-Madison. "The positive emotion accompanying thoughts that are directed toward meaningful goals is one of the most enduring components of well-being." Eudaimonia is also good for the body. Women who scored high on psychological tests for it (they were purposefully engaged in life, pursued self-development) weighed less, slept better, and had fewer stress hormones and markers for heart disease than others—including those reporting hedonic happiness—according to a study led by Carol Ryff, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison.

2. They design their lives to bring in joy.

It may seem obvious, but "people don't devote enough time to thinking seriously about how they spend their life and how much of it they actually enjoy," says David Schkade, PhD, a psychologist and professor of management at the University of California San Diego. In a recent study, Schkade and colleagues asked more than 900 working women to write down everything they'd done the day before. Afterward, they reviewed their diaries and evaluated how they felt at each point. When the women saw how much time they spent on activities they didn't like, "some people had tears in their eyes," Schkade says. "They didn't realize their happiness was something they could design and have control over."

Analyzing one's life isn't necessarily easy and may require questioning long-held assumptions. A high-powered career might, in fact, turn out to be unfulfilling; a committed relationship once longed for could end up being irritating with all the compromising that comes with having a partner. Dreams can be hard to abandon, even when they've turned sour.

Fortunately, changes don't have to be big ones to tip the joy in your favor. Schkade says that if you transfer even an hour of your day from an activity you hate (commuting, scrubbing the bathroom) to one you like (reading, spending time with friends), you should see a significant improvement in your overall happiness. Taking action is key. Another recent study, at the University of Missouri, compared college students who made intentional changes (joining a club, upgrading their study habits) with others who passively experienced positive turns in their circumstances (receiving a scholarship, being relieved of a bad roommate). All the students were happier in the short term, but only the group who made deliberate changes stayed that way.

3. They avoid "if only" fantasies.

If only I get a better job...find a man...lose the weight...life will be perfect. Happy people don't buy into this kind of thinking.

The latest research shows that we're surprisingly bad at predicting what will make us happy. People also tend to misjudge their contentment when zeroing in on a single aspect of their life—it's called the focusing illusion. In one study, single subjects were asked, "How happy are you with your life in general?" and "How many dates did you have last month?" When the dating question was asked first, their romantic life weighed more heavily into how they rated their overall happiness than when the questions were reversed.

The other argument against "if only" fantasies has to do with "hedonic adaptation"—the brain's natural dimming effect, which guarantees that a new house won't generate the same pleasure a year after its purchase and the thrill of having a boyfriend will ebb as you get used to being part of a couple. Happy people are wise to this, which is why they keep their lives full of novelty, even if it's just trying a new activity (diving, yoga) or putting a new spin on an old favorite (kundalini instead of vinyasa).

4. They put best friends first.

It's no surprise that social engagement is one of the most important contributors to happiness. What's news is that the nature of the relationship counts. Compared with dashing around chatting with acquaintances, you get more joy from spending longer periods of time with a close friend, according to research by Meliksah Demir, PhD, assistant professor of psychology at Northern Arizona University. And the best-friend benefit doesn't necessarily come from delving into heavy discussions. One of the most essential pleasures of close friendship, Demir found, is simple companionship, "just hanging out," as he says, hitting the mall or going to the movies together and eating popcorn in the dark.

5. They allow themselves to be happy.

As much as we all think we want it, many of us are convinced, deep down, that it's wrong to be happy (or too happy). Whether the belief comes from religion, culture, or the family you were raised in, it usually leaves you feeling guilty if you're having fun.

"Some people would say you shouldn't strive for personal happiness until you've taken care of everyone in the world who is starving or doesn't have adequate medical care," says Howard Cutler, MD, coauthor with the Dalai Lama of The Art of Happiness in a Troubled World. "The Dalai Lama believes you should pursue both simultaneously. For one thing, there is clear research showing that happy people tend to be more open to helping others. They also make better spouses and parents." And in one famous study, nuns whose autobiographies expressed positive emotions (such as gratitude and optimism) lived seven to 10-and-a-half years longer than other nuns. So, for any die-hard pessimist who still needs persuading, just think of how much more you can help the world if you allow a little happiness into your life.

Isn't it powerful?? Working toward being purposefully engaged in life, toward developing one's self can help to neutralize stress and create happiness. But only if we work to bring joy into our lives, and avoid getting trapped in narrowly banded fantasies of what might make us happy. And only if we are prepared to accept happiness.

I recognize I've addressed two vastly different topics in this post: serenity/calm and happiness. But for me they're very connected. When I am serene and calm, I am able to feel content. And when I am content I am generally happy.

I don't feel that I'm being greedy here. I am frequently having conversations with my clients around the fleeting nature of all emotional states. I know that these states I'm looking for are fleeting...but I'm hoping to get myself into a habit of seeking them out by making space in my life for them. I have space in my life to be content and happy. I really believe it.

Getting Engaged Made Me Prettier

A little over a week ago, the man I have loved for nearly 2 years (in March--wow)! asked me to marry him. We have talked about marriage a lot, but the question still came as such a surprise that it took a few moments (okay, days) to sink in that we were actually engaged.

He asked on a Wednesday, and we went ring shopping the following weekend. By Monday we had picked the ring (and isn't it beautiful??!!) and by Friday it was on my hand.

Since this date, I have been pretty stinking happy. Nobody I pass on the street knows my huge smile is correlated to the ring on my hand, so they reciprocate with a big grin and say things like, "My, you have the most beautiful hair!" Or on the more benign end, "Good morning! Beautiful day, isn't it?!" It's true that we tend to find people who smile more attractive. Thus, I have concluded that getting engaged made me prettier. (Okay scientist friends, don't point out the errors in deduction on that one--I am savoring this!)

My heart feels light and happy. I haven't yet written "get engaged" or "get married" on my "Before 30 Bucket List;" (which I am still writing...it's a hard list to make!)however, there was a big part of me that wanted to reach this milestone in my 20's. I think it is my 12-year-old self, who once wrote in a journal a life plan that looked like this:



17 - Graduate High School
21 - Graduate College
23 - Get Married
24 - Have First Baby


Despite my huge diversion from this life plan; I think that if my 12-year-old self met me today, she would have been pretty proud. And that makes me feel good inside.