The world is my playground.

Tonight I feel like I have every option available to me, and none at all. In July my employment will end. This is my postdoctoral residency year and it has been a huge growth experience but has also been really trying. It has left me with the recognition that just because people make it all the way through a graduate program in psychology doesn't mean that they're the best people to be psychologists. Even psychologists have "issues," and this comes into the work place. Read: work related conflict (I think that it is the worst kind of conflict because of the type of work we do, talk about head games)!

These experiences have left me thinking about where I want to be next. At times I rule out entire settings because I think there may be a certain "type" of person attracted to that setting, and I am convinced that I must like my coworkers to like my job. But to play that game is to toy with the belief that I control things out of my control. The only thing I can control is me, sadly.

So lately I apply. And apply, and apply, and apply. I am such a good worker, and a hard worker. I am ethical and competent and articulate. But the economy is bad and the areas I would prefer to live are also highly desired by many other folks. This week I've been sick, and hard on myself for being sick. I only sent off one application. I didn't spend as much time studying as I could have had I been well. I'm really hard on myself even when I'm sick. You don't get this far in a career so quickly without being a tad neurotic.

Tonight, though, I want to focus on the things that are really great. So, I'll tick them off and then go to bed.

(1) I am in love. I am dating the most wonderful man and feel that my time in this town was worth all the ups and downs because I have him in my life.

(2) I am going to Hawaii (Kauai) in 2 months with said man. I have never been to Hawaii and will be staying for free in a fabulous time share with another couple (2 of my greatest friends on earth).

(3) I have some of the greatest friends in the world. I know that there are people in my life who would drop everything to come be with me at a moment's notice. I know this because it happened several years ago when I hit rock bottom.

(4) My family will always be there for me. Enough said.

(5) Every place I go becomes a home. Home is where I am and despite all my fears I make good friends and fantastic memories everywhere I go.

Those are the big ones. There are others, to be sure, but it is far too late for me to be awake when I am feeling this sick. After all, I have studying to do tomorrow.