"The very definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results." ~Philip Mangano
Yesterday I drank a diet coke at lunch & didn't fall asleep until midnight. Today I drank a split shot latte. Last week I had 2 double lattes. Once to intentionally fuel a cleaning spree. My heart raced as I laid in bed cursing my poor decision making.
All of these experiences have had 2 consistent results: Insomnia & mild tremor. Every time I think, "Must have been a fluke!"
I hope that it's not permanent, but I seem to have completely lost my ability to tolerate caffeine. Perhaps since I began drinking coffee at age 5 or so, and was completely dependent for at least 10 years of my life, I have just burnt out my poor receptors. Or maybe I have too much going on in my life right now & don't need a stimulant. That is far too rational of an explanation.
Decaf really does taste awful...and I gave up alcohol 1 month ago. What is a girl to do??
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Thoughts on Success
"The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure." ~ Sven Goran Eriksson
I applied for huge promotion a month ago, and was selected for the job a few weeks ago. I have known about this (potential) promotion for the better part of a year, but was scared to speak of it online dare I curse it. I found myself battling this crippling fear of failure. What if I applied--in the place I worked--and was interviewed by all of my colleagues and not selected? I would be embarrassed. I would have to face these people and shrug it off, and then I would have to meet my new boss and be okay with knowing they had the position I wanted? Ouch. When people reassured me with comments such as, "Seriously, even applying is huge. You're 29 & nobody would expect you to be an administrator yet," I felt comforted only for short periods of time.
My poor fiance has heard enough talk around this to last a lifetime.
Long story short: Facing possible rejection threw my delicately balanced sense of equilibrium out of whack. Anyone who has been reading my humble blog for the past few months, or who has any sort of personal relationship to me can attest to this. I honestly considered--really considered--pulling my application out. Friends and my fiance had to talk sense into me, "Wait and see what happens, you don't know the outcome, we have a good feeling about this, if you decide you don't want it you can turn it down."
Needless to say, I'm happy that I didn't pull my application. I almost stood in the way of my own success in a very big way. This isn't uncommon for educated women (See Clance's research on Imposter Phenomenon- http://paulineroseclance.com/pdf/ip_high_achieving_women.pdf from the 1970's for background, or flip through popular media stories to hear famous and brilliant women speak of the fear they experienced before landing a "big break"). I do think it is something I need to work through.
Our culture programs us to reject failure. We are raised in a structured and supervised world in which we take report cards back to mom and dad, and try to please our teachers. One only needs to look as far as a college student weeping over their first "C" grade to comprehend the possible negative consequence of this well-intended norm of our highly individualized culture. If one's self-worth is based primarily on external validation of my intelligence or attractiveness or any other "measurable" quality, there is an incredible risk to the challenge of this self-worth when other's don't provide positive feedback. Even though this feedback is often subjective in nature, years of programming teach us to give it weight and credibility.
Call me crazy, but that doesn't sound like a great way to live. I would rather move toward an internal locus of control and grounded self-concept.
We are taught to "reach for the stars," but this abstraction is just that. Reach for the stars and.....all of your dreams will come true? Or maybe you will miss, but you will have grown from the process. Or maybe you will miss and you will be truly devastated. Shaken to your core. But you'll get through it eventually. People don't like to talk about those possibilities.
For every high there is a low, and that is just a fact of life. For as much success I have experienced in my career to date, I have experienced an equal amount of disappointment. From these disappointments I have grown. It hasn't been easy, but it has been beautiful. Like a teenager coming to terms with their changing body I have at times felt clumsy or lost before feeling grounded, capable, and at peace.
What I know is this: A life lived in fear is a life half lived. The most fulfilling things in my life have been preceded by fear. Relationships, hobbies, academic and career pursuits. In each one I have to fight the voice in the back of my head that threatens to pull myself out of the race.
As I move into the summer and my new position, I am drawn toward a goal of hearing my "fearful" inner voice and gently & mindfully moving past it. Sort of a, "Oh, there you are. I knew you'd be there to remind me that this could go terribly wrong. Thanks for that...but honestly, things have been pretty much okay and even when they aren't...I am."
To guide this venture, I am going to set my eyes on the message of Akhilandeshvari, the Hindu Goddess of Never Not Broken. She derives her power from embracing change and the flux that is life. Riding a crocodile (representing fear) she doesn't reject fear or let it control her. She instead navigates rivers and land (life) atop this fear. (For more on this: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/why-being-broken-in-a-pile-on-your-bedroom-floor-is-a-good-idea--julie-jc-peters/).
That is a message I can get behind.
I applied for huge promotion a month ago, and was selected for the job a few weeks ago. I have known about this (potential) promotion for the better part of a year, but was scared to speak of it online dare I curse it. I found myself battling this crippling fear of failure. What if I applied--in the place I worked--and was interviewed by all of my colleagues and not selected? I would be embarrassed. I would have to face these people and shrug it off, and then I would have to meet my new boss and be okay with knowing they had the position I wanted? Ouch. When people reassured me with comments such as, "Seriously, even applying is huge. You're 29 & nobody would expect you to be an administrator yet," I felt comforted only for short periods of time.
My poor fiance has heard enough talk around this to last a lifetime.
Long story short: Facing possible rejection threw my delicately balanced sense of equilibrium out of whack. Anyone who has been reading my humble blog for the past few months, or who has any sort of personal relationship to me can attest to this. I honestly considered--really considered--pulling my application out. Friends and my fiance had to talk sense into me, "Wait and see what happens, you don't know the outcome, we have a good feeling about this, if you decide you don't want it you can turn it down."
Needless to say, I'm happy that I didn't pull my application. I almost stood in the way of my own success in a very big way. This isn't uncommon for educated women (See Clance's research on Imposter Phenomenon- http://paulineroseclance.com/pdf/ip_high_achieving_women.pdf from the 1970's for background, or flip through popular media stories to hear famous and brilliant women speak of the fear they experienced before landing a "big break"). I do think it is something I need to work through.
Our culture programs us to reject failure. We are raised in a structured and supervised world in which we take report cards back to mom and dad, and try to please our teachers. One only needs to look as far as a college student weeping over their first "C" grade to comprehend the possible negative consequence of this well-intended norm of our highly individualized culture. If one's self-worth is based primarily on external validation of my intelligence or attractiveness or any other "measurable" quality, there is an incredible risk to the challenge of this self-worth when other's don't provide positive feedback. Even though this feedback is often subjective in nature, years of programming teach us to give it weight and credibility.
Call me crazy, but that doesn't sound like a great way to live. I would rather move toward an internal locus of control and grounded self-concept.
We are taught to "reach for the stars," but this abstraction is just that. Reach for the stars and.....all of your dreams will come true? Or maybe you will miss, but you will have grown from the process. Or maybe you will miss and you will be truly devastated. Shaken to your core. But you'll get through it eventually. People don't like to talk about those possibilities.
For every high there is a low, and that is just a fact of life. For as much success I have experienced in my career to date, I have experienced an equal amount of disappointment. From these disappointments I have grown. It hasn't been easy, but it has been beautiful. Like a teenager coming to terms with their changing body I have at times felt clumsy or lost before feeling grounded, capable, and at peace.
What I know is this: A life lived in fear is a life half lived. The most fulfilling things in my life have been preceded by fear. Relationships, hobbies, academic and career pursuits. In each one I have to fight the voice in the back of my head that threatens to pull myself out of the race.
As I move into the summer and my new position, I am drawn toward a goal of hearing my "fearful" inner voice and gently & mindfully moving past it. Sort of a, "Oh, there you are. I knew you'd be there to remind me that this could go terribly wrong. Thanks for that...but honestly, things have been pretty much okay and even when they aren't...I am."
To guide this venture, I am going to set my eyes on the message of Akhilandeshvari, the Hindu Goddess of Never Not Broken. She derives her power from embracing change and the flux that is life. Riding a crocodile (representing fear) she doesn't reject fear or let it control her. She instead navigates rivers and land (life) atop this fear. (For more on this: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/why-being-broken-in-a-pile-on-your-bedroom-floor-is-a-good-idea--julie-jc-peters/).
That is a message I can get behind.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Breathing More
Today I got an e-mail from my mom that said "Breathe More" in the subject line. In the e-mail body was my blog address.
I initially neglected my blog intentionally because I didn't want to write about things that were bumming me out. Then it just slipped my mind...I nearly forgot I had a blog (even though I've been thinking in the past week: "I should really journal more").
I suppose it comes down to not wanting to be vulnerable anywhere, including the internet. This isn't an entirely private blog, after all, so I put on a brave face even here. Basically, to sum up my absence: The past month has sucked.
God or the universe (or both) have given me a wake-up call. This call let me know that I need to start taking care of my body and mind and spirit--even more than I had been. Sporadic (2-3 weekly) yoga just wasn't going to hack it. I've lost 6 pounds in 2 weeks because of stress. My body has been completely fired up for weeks. I'm frustrated with how hard I am having to work at calming it down (and my mind along with it).
In the past few days I've had some success (chilling out) thanks to John Kabat-Zinn's Mindfulness Meditation CD's, and a return to my yoga studio after a 4-week hiatius. I fixed the "coffee crazy" because I totally eliminated caffeine from my diet. I've added Melatonin and a semi-regular early bedtime into my day. I met with a doctor--finally--and established patient care in this town I've lived in for 10 months.
I don't want to get into the main "causal factors" (yes, I have analyzed the hell out of this). But one thing that this has really highlighted for me--in addition to the need for self-care--is the need for community. We are having a REALLY hard time finding people to hang out with in this town. I love spending my evenings with my fiance, but not having close friends is very hard. The last time I moved I immediately became great friends with my neighbor and his entire network of friends. I also became close friends with several co-workers. Neither of these methods (neighbors, co-workers) have panned out here. My co-workers are older and settled with children. My neighbors seem indifferent. Most people our age have children, and that seems to be inhibiting forming relationships (I'm cool with being around kids--but young families are busy)! We don't have access to and/or don't connect with adults who are much younger than us.
We've joined a social group (game group, totally nerdy but we love it) and have attended regularly. It has been a slow process and some members are warming to us, but to date I am the only female member of the group. The other women stay home with the children.
Ack. This is why I don't blog lately. I don't want to throw a pity-party. I know that eventually with repeated contact we will make some friends. I know that the more I take care of my body and mind and spirit, the more productive and healthy I will feel. But these things take time and I'm very impatient.
In the meantime, I rely on my perfect drug (the photo is terrible, but it is Kabat-Zinn's CD set):
I think this will need to be more lifestyle change than fad-healthy-living-spree. This putting myself behind everything has been going on long enough (college, grad school, internship, postdoc, job). It's time to shift my priorities.
I initially neglected my blog intentionally because I didn't want to write about things that were bumming me out. Then it just slipped my mind...I nearly forgot I had a blog (even though I've been thinking in the past week: "I should really journal more").
I suppose it comes down to not wanting to be vulnerable anywhere, including the internet. This isn't an entirely private blog, after all, so I put on a brave face even here. Basically, to sum up my absence: The past month has sucked.
God or the universe (or both) have given me a wake-up call. This call let me know that I need to start taking care of my body and mind and spirit--even more than I had been. Sporadic (2-3 weekly) yoga just wasn't going to hack it. I've lost 6 pounds in 2 weeks because of stress. My body has been completely fired up for weeks. I'm frustrated with how hard I am having to work at calming it down (and my mind along with it).
In the past few days I've had some success (chilling out) thanks to John Kabat-Zinn's Mindfulness Meditation CD's, and a return to my yoga studio after a 4-week hiatius. I fixed the "coffee crazy" because I totally eliminated caffeine from my diet. I've added Melatonin and a semi-regular early bedtime into my day. I met with a doctor--finally--and established patient care in this town I've lived in for 10 months.
I don't want to get into the main "causal factors" (yes, I have analyzed the hell out of this). But one thing that this has really highlighted for me--in addition to the need for self-care--is the need for community. We are having a REALLY hard time finding people to hang out with in this town. I love spending my evenings with my fiance, but not having close friends is very hard. The last time I moved I immediately became great friends with my neighbor and his entire network of friends. I also became close friends with several co-workers. Neither of these methods (neighbors, co-workers) have panned out here. My co-workers are older and settled with children. My neighbors seem indifferent. Most people our age have children, and that seems to be inhibiting forming relationships (I'm cool with being around kids--but young families are busy)! We don't have access to and/or don't connect with adults who are much younger than us.
We've joined a social group (game group, totally nerdy but we love it) and have attended regularly. It has been a slow process and some members are warming to us, but to date I am the only female member of the group. The other women stay home with the children.
Ack. This is why I don't blog lately. I don't want to throw a pity-party. I know that eventually with repeated contact we will make some friends. I know that the more I take care of my body and mind and spirit, the more productive and healthy I will feel. But these things take time and I'm very impatient.
In the meantime, I rely on my perfect drug (the photo is terrible, but it is Kabat-Zinn's CD set):
I think this will need to be more lifestyle change than fad-healthy-living-spree. This putting myself behind everything has been going on long enough (college, grad school, internship, postdoc, job). It's time to shift my priorities.
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