I initially neglected my blog intentionally because I didn't want to write about things that were bumming me out. Then it just slipped my mind...I nearly forgot I had a blog (even though I've been thinking in the past week: "I should really journal more").
I suppose it comes down to not wanting to be vulnerable anywhere, including the internet. This isn't an entirely private blog, after all, so I put on a brave face even here. Basically, to sum up my absence: The past month has sucked.
God or the universe (or both) have given me a wake-up call. This call let me know that I need to start taking care of my body and mind and spirit--even more than I had been. Sporadic (2-3 weekly) yoga just wasn't going to hack it. I've lost 6 pounds in 2 weeks because of stress. My body has been completely fired up for weeks. I'm frustrated with how hard I am having to work at calming it down (and my mind along with it).
In the past few days I've had some success (chilling out) thanks to John Kabat-Zinn's Mindfulness Meditation CD's, and a return to my yoga studio after a 4-week hiatius. I fixed the "coffee crazy" because I totally eliminated caffeine from my diet. I've added Melatonin and a semi-regular early bedtime into my day. I met with a doctor--finally--and established patient care in this town I've lived in for 10 months.
I don't want to get into the main "causal factors" (yes, I have analyzed the hell out of this). But one thing that this has really highlighted for me--in addition to the need for self-care--is the need for community. We are having a REALLY hard time finding people to hang out with in this town. I love spending my evenings with my fiance, but not having close friends is very hard. The last time I moved I immediately became great friends with my neighbor and his entire network of friends. I also became close friends with several co-workers. Neither of these methods (neighbors, co-workers) have panned out here. My co-workers are older and settled with children. My neighbors seem indifferent. Most people our age have children, and that seems to be inhibiting forming relationships (I'm cool with being around kids--but young families are busy)! We don't have access to and/or don't connect with adults who are much younger than us.
We've joined a social group (game group, totally nerdy but we love it) and have attended regularly. It has been a slow process and some members are warming to us, but to date I am the only female member of the group. The other women stay home with the children.
Ack. This is why I don't blog lately. I don't want to throw a pity-party. I know that eventually with repeated contact we will make some friends. I know that the more I take care of my body and mind and spirit, the more productive and healthy I will feel. But these things take time and I'm very impatient.
In the meantime, I rely on my perfect drug (the photo is terrible, but it is Kabat-Zinn's CD set):
I think this will need to be more lifestyle change than fad-healthy-living-spree. This putting myself behind everything has been going on long enough (college, grad school, internship, postdoc, job). It's time to shift my priorities.
I appreciate your wanting to focus on the positive, but the fact is, it's hard to make transitions and it sucks when you move to a new place and don't quite "fit." I was just telling Condi that I don't feel like I fit in here, and how hard that was to build a community. I rely heavily on my on-line community, especially when I get really busy. It will get better, and I think you're off to a good start. I hear amazing things about Melatonin, and yoga is a miracle drug. Hang in there. I love that you're the nerd hottie :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement, C. Melatonin has worked like a dream for 3 nights, now. When I wake up my face is ever-so-slightly-sore from sleeping so heavily. Lets hope this is step one toward wellness...
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