Workplace PTSD

A few incidents this week reminded me of how TERRIBLE a workplace I left, and how incredibly fortunate I have been to find a relatively healthy workplace. I knew that my former job was soul crushing, largely because of an abusive boss. And by abusive, I mean sexist & verbally abusive (threats, intimidation, put-downs). The abuse took a toll on me, both during--and apparently after I left!

Two incidents served to remind me of this during the week:

(1) My boss came into my office with pursed lips after I'd made and fessed up to an error earlier in the day. My thoughts: "This is the end. I'm going to get canned for a minor error, or he's going to tell me that he's reported me to the chief, or that I can't go to my conference any more." Reality: Boss sat down & shared with me that he had applied for another position and wasn't selected, and that he was kind of disappointed.

Like a normal. dang. person. Having a normal conversation.

(2) My boss called me this evening after some shit hit the fan with a case I'm working on. My thoughts: "I must've messed up my documentation. I must've left something incomplete. Something terrible must have happened with the case and he's calling to give me the bad news." Reality: Boss called on his commute home to say that he missed saying goodbye to me and knew that I'd had a really heavy and emotionally trying day, and that he wanted to check in on me & make sure I was okay.

Working for my old employer, I gained over 20 lbs. I felt depressed and hopeless: Living for weekends and then devoid of energy when they finally rolled along because just going to work every day sucked the life out of me. In addition to being constantly sick, I was at the dermatologist 2-3x/monthly to burn off warts that just wouldn't go away. My blood pressure went up 15 points. All of these things have resolved since moving. ALL of them.

But the emotional sequela is going to take a bit longer to clear.

Did you know that workplace PTSD is kind of a thing? It's under the umbrella of workplace bullying. This site has user-friendly descriptions (http://www.workplacebullying.org/individuals/problem/early-signs/), and the following really spoke to me:

"Targets are independent. They refuse to be subservient. Bullies seek to enslave targets. When targets take steps to preserve their dignity, their right to be treated with respect, bullies escalate their campaigns of hatred and intimidation to wrest control of the target's work from the target. According to the 2007 WBI-Zogby Survey, 45% of targeted individuals suffer stress-related health problems. Additional findings regarding targets' health can be found in WBI research and the PTSD-related research by others posted at this site."

Any time I stood up for myself, I was smacked down. My requests to be treated like a human being were never outlandish, but on several occasions were met with open laughter during staff meetings, where my boss would proceed to spread himself out in a power-position and mock me.

I wish I was kidding. I wish I would've written about this sooner, because it feels GOOD. Honestly, I was afraid to. I was afraid he'd come after me and sue the pants off of me, even though I would never directly identify him publicly (frankly, due to this fear). And I was ashamed. And frankly, I was too fucking traumatized. I turned my boss in to the EEO reps on campus after the millionth degrading statement about women came out of his mouth. He had already befriended this person and they turned me away. I turned him in to HR--3 separate people on 3 separate occasions. Minor behavioral changes ensued and then he would up the ante as soon as they turned their attention onto other matters. I felt incredibly alone.

Since I have left, he has turned his bullying behavior toward the next most senior person in the clinic. He now gives large gifts and privileges to the lowest employees and refuses this individual a raise despite her being the lowest paid psychologist to work there in the past 5 yrs.

My husband is the kindest, most compassionate man I have ever met. When I came home from work sobbing one day, he said that he's never wanted to hurt someone so much in his life. This was about 1.5-2 yrs ago now, and don't worry, he never did anything to my former boss. But this man literally took an intelligent, independent woman and just did everything in his power to fucking break her. And toward the end, I was too broken to want to do anything but crawl into a bathtub, and then into bed.

For the first time in my life, I started an antidepressant. If you've gotten this far into my blog it's because either (a) you're a friend who cares, or (b) this is happening to you and it feels validating/normalizing to know that someone else went through it. So I'll try not to be shy about the fact that I never publicly announced this. I kept it pretty private, because I was ashamed of it, too. But I had fallen into such a dark hole that I needed a way out. I was plagued by vacillating sadness and panic attacks. I couldn't continue in that way. So I went to my doctor, and then I went to a psychologist and began talking about how I would begin rebuilding my confidence so that I could go look for a new job.

I don't want this to turn into a pity-party story, because although there will still be moments where I am "triggered" and must remind myself that I'm safe, and happy. I feel like a victor. I can feel myself getting angry as I write this, and that feels wonderful because for so long I was just scared. He had me convinced that I was no good in my profession and couldn't work anywhere else (see verbal put-downs...)! I am proud to announce that I know for a fact: I MAKE MORE MONEY THAN HE DOES. God that feels nice. But even nicer is knowing I have something he never will: The respect and admiration of my colleagues.

When my former coworker tells me stories about him (often--she's miserable) I encourage her to get out because there is no fighting against this bully. He's borderline corporate sociopath with the way that he's managed to build connections that prevent any of his employees from seeking support externally, in order to ensure his abuse can continue. And then I remind myself that I DO believe in Karma, and Karma is a real bitch.

So that is the story of how it is that I came to catastrophic thinking this week while at my lovely job with nice people. It is going to take me a while to really heal from the experience of my former job.

Imagine all of that happening, and then planning both a formal wedding and a move and career shift. I am one strong woman. That is what I've learned from all of this. I may have been broken down temporarily, but I came out stronger than ever before. And when I left that God-awful job, and my boss mumbled some apology for his behavior, I was able to say, "Honestly, it was the catalyst that propelled me onto bigger and better things. I probably would've been content to just sit in this job and I wouldn't have ever known what I was capable of."

And it's been true. :)

I QUIT!!

To date, one of the most liberating experiences of my life has been that of quitting my soul-crushing job. Sugar coat it: I did. Make the best of it: Check. Go every day and remind myself that it's work that I love and was born to do (and that I cared deeply for my clients): Double check. Bury myself in work to see if keeping my head to the ground and doing great work would keep me distracted and everyone else happy: Absolutely. But putting up with daily sexism paired with vacillations between stonewalling and verbal abuse from upper management became too much to bear and I began looking for jobs months ago.

As luck (?) would have it, the job that I've wanted since finishing grad school came available. The circumstances were so perfect that it truly felt like fate. In fact, when I quit my job and my employer became teary eyed (SERIOUSLY??!) and apologized for his treatment of me, I responded by saying, "Honestly, it was for the best. It served as a catalyst for me to move onto better things."

Quitting was easy and incredibly difficult. Easy because I knew with every ounce of my being that it was the correct decision. Difficult because my employer had been so unpredictable that I feared that once I gave my notice he would retaliate. This retaliation came packaged as forced paid administrative leave. My coworkers were told that I was advised by HR that I'd done "such a great job" that I was given additional paid time off as a gesture of good will. I've never in my life worked in such a crazy place. My decision to terminate employment was completely voluntary, and I gave appropriate notice. But I was actually told by my employer that I should leave early and that saying goodbye to coworkers outside my immediate office was "unnecessary and inappropriate." Granted, when I told HR about this my employer's tune changed and suddenly I was the recipient of an office goodbye party.

The entire thing was crazy-making. It's been nearly 2 full weeks since I gave notice, and I still wake up and can't believe it's over. But it is. I will never have to go back to that job. I have learned firsthand how damaging it can be to one's health and relationships to stick with a job that is miserable. I pushed my limits and learned a lot about myself.

Now I had/have 35 days between jobs to take care of myself, enjoy my friends and family, and move. I have a job with the feds!! I am officially "in the system"! This is no small task - it involved the completion of a 20+ page application, physical exam, finger printing, background check, screening interview, and the list goes on. But it comes with many great benefits, including great opportunities for continuing education, career advancement...not to mention retirement, health insurance, and a great jump in income. Given that most of one's income growth happens within the first 5 years of employment in a given field, I was ready and glad for the jump.

I should note that none of this would have been possible without the love and blessing of my fiancé. In September after a particularly bad day, I was feeling really down (ok - I just deleted 'crying.' That's the real story...it was so bad that I was crying...)-- and looking at job postings. We had agreed not to move out of the area for 3 years, which felt like a death sentence. (That sounds dramatic when written, but it really did). I showed him the ad for my dream job, and he looked at me with sincerity and said, "Go for it. Apply and let's see what happens." When what happened meant that he would need to transfer schools yet again, he happily agreed to do so. And just 3 days ago we picked our new home. Yesterday we were approved for it. And now we are cleaning out our home and realizing that we get to begin a new life together.

Everything feels fresh and new, full of possibility and opportunity. It's exhilarating and terrifying. I really hope that things work out for us. I believe that they will.

Oh, and as an aside: I've lost nearly 10 pounds since learning that my shot at this job was pretty good. It's amazing what reducing stress can do for the waistline.

The Grind

I'm constantly re-learning the fact that office politics at a professional level are not remarkably different from say, the politics of a minimum-wage job. In some ways, it was simpler to work coffee and have adolescent girls stomp around aggressively or pick fights. Professional environments are much more passive, or passive-aggressive. So today I compile a list of my recent insights: S (1) No matter how much an employer claims that they are looking out for their employees, self-preservation trumps all and most people will mount character attacks at others to divert attention from themselves when feeling backed into a corner and unsure of the next move. (2) No matter how nice your physical office environment is, it may not be a comfortable place to work. Despite the remarkable discomfort, productivity should remain stable and consequently it's on you to find a way to tune out the noise in a way that demonstrates that you haven't "checked out." Yoga, meditation, and exercise are good options. Returning to the breath really is a life-saver. (3) Having good co-workers can make even the toughest work environment fun. They may not be able to change anything, but at least you'll have someone to validate that you are not crazy and things happening in this environment are really weird. (4) Nobody is perfect, and no job is perfect. This guy probably has to clean up tourist puke before he goes home to his $1400 a month rental sans electricity. Things always appear more glamorous from the outside.