Why Ashtanga Is The Coolest Thing Ever.

A few months ago I was stressing. I had hit a wall: I've been working toward a goal for my entire life, and have finally arrived at said goal. I had nothing to study for in the evenings. My work days actually ended at 4:30 and I wasn't expected or required to stay late. I found myself sitting around and ruminating about whether I would be promoted. I looked for volunteer opportunities. I looked for social groups and community activities. Then I decided that my strategy was all wrong. Rather than filling my life with meaningful and meaningless crap, I needed to slow my mind and body down and work on being more present-focused.

My college years, and some of my grad school years, are a blur. I finished both college & grad school (4+ year programs) in 3.5 years. I worked to keep my debt down and I volunteered to make myself more attractive to future employers. It was all great, but frantic.

So I signed myself up for Ashtanga yoga. I did it to supplement a running schedule initially--Kat and I had planned for a few races (5k, 8k) in the Spring and I wanted to be strong, more flexible, and maybe...just maybe...a little calmer.

Also, I wanted to do this:
Or maybe even this:
Kat had invited me to join she and her husband in Kauai again this summer, so I was also thinking of how amazing it would be to pull out some sweet moves on the beach. In my mind, it looked like this:

I went to my first class very ready to bust a move. We did this:
I remembered that I had already paid my $150 for this intro class, so I hid my disappointment at having "only" learned vinyasa breathing on day 1, and continued to come week after week. Pretty soon I could jump into plank. I felt my core getting a little stronger. Pat started telling me that I was getting "yoga belly." My work clothes were more comfortable. Best of all, I felt a little calmer. I was excited to go to class. I paid good money for a sweet yoga mat. I signed up for unlimited classes for the next 2 months. By the end of intro, I could do this:
And thankful for a back that is bendy in both directions, I also did this with some ease:
I actually looked forward to finishing series of our practice, because the stretchy inversions feel just dang nice. This is similar to the last one, and also a favorite:
So I have developed some awareness of my body, and some patience for what it can (and can't) do. I have accepted that many people take anywhere from 2-5 years to get through Ashtanga Primary Series 1. I have accepted that it might take me more time than that to do the final move in Primary Series, in which you "uproot the lotus."
I can't even get my legs into lotus yet, much yet uproot my entire rear end. This might take a while. But I'm willing to keep going and see how far I get. I recognize that I've found a new goal that borders on obsession, and this has at times been my "problem." But this is a goal that can also serve as the "solution." When I come home from my yoga shala I feel rejuvinated. And that is why Ashtanga Vinyasa yoga is the coolest thing ever.

Finally licensed & settled

Man it has been a while since I wrote anything. I have given up on this blog so many times, and then decided to come back to it. A large reason for this is that I don't know what I want it to "be." Private journal? Open it up to friends? I decided that at this point I'm going to quit giving a shit and just write.

Today I am feeling very thankful that I am not in that anxious place from 2 posts ago: Looking for a job and studying for the EPPP (the beast of an exam for licensure in psychology that ruled my life for the better portion of a year).

As I looked forward to my trip to Kauai, my friends convinced me that Kauai would be much more enjoyable if I had the EPPP behind me. They said that I would love Kauai so much I wouldn't even worry about my results. As usual, my friends were ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!! I studied with the manic frenzy of a squirrel collecting fallen nuts before winter. I tried to make it a good experience: I took flashcards to the local pond & watched baby ducks as I committed useless facts (only half kidding) to memory. Then in an event that I can only describe as "hazy" I sat for the test. Two days later I left for Kauai.

The trip was fantastic. I went with 3 of my favorite people on earth: Kat (grad school friend), Paul (her husband) and Pat (my love). I only thought of the test a few times, and thanks to Kat's positive influence most of my thoughts were around the idea that I had to have passed. Also, I had already landed my job--and they were cool with knowing that I was studying for the test and hadn't set a date to take it. In short, they would have provided me with supervision in the event that I hadn't taken the test (or, God forbid, failed it). This period of time provided me with ample opportunity to face my fears of not being "good enough." I came to realize that there was this big part of me that just couldn't believe I had finally gotten to where I wanted to be for so many years. I had internalized the voice of naysayers.

A week after returning from Kauai, I got my passing results in an e-mail. I made the announcement to my family, my friends, my incredibly supportive supervisors, and my verbally abusive supervisor (God did that feel good). I made mental note to myself that I should not skip down the halls. Nobody likes a poor winner.

In another rush of activity, I packed my bags for a move to Spokane and began my new job. In my first week I headed to the Seattle area to take my state exam. I passed it and my license came in the mail a few short weeks later.

So here I sit--licensed, employed, and somewhat settled. The house is unpacked, I've found a local gym, and Pat & I have already come across potential friends. It seems the majority of young professionals in town are married and have kids, so that is limiting to a couple with (a) no intention of getting married in the next 12 months, and (b) no intention of spawning in the next 3 years. Nonetheless, things are looking good.

, Big plans for the future? I'm stealing an idea from Sharron, a friend from grad school. She mentioned that she's never read Jane Austen's "Pride & Prejudice," and that this is a "must" before fulfilling her goal of reading "Pride & Prejudice & Zombies," which of course is a must before watching the movie.


It seems that there has been some trouble with production, so I'm sure I will have plenty of time to fulfill this goal. It is really nice to have time for pleasure reading again. It is also nice to finally want to read again.

From start to finish...

Recipe of choice from The Tillamook Cookbook:
















I cooked something!! And it was amazing--I had friends over and everybody loved it. I wish I would've taken photos of the prep, too, because you can not believe how much of a pain in the ass cooking a "fancy" chicken pot pie is. I already have a requests in to cook it again, so I'm going to have to start learning how to speed various parts of the process up...

Update: This was a post that I wrote over 1 year ago. For some reason, I didn't publish it. But--as an update--I have since been collecting cookbooks and trying to expand upon my cullinary skills. This pot pie was actually Thanksgiving Dinner this year, the recipe is amazing and has become a favorite!! I've made some modifications for more spice.

It is nice to have time to focus on these developmental tasks of adulthood. Cooking an awesome meal is way more fulfilling that you'd think. Cooking an awesome meal that someone (self) with primarily vegetarian preferences AND someone (significant other) with meat and potatoe preferences BOTH enjoy is always cause for celebration in our home.

Dreaming of pianos.

Sometimes when I've had a long day I head to ebay and check out pianos for sale (most expensive first). Listed 2nd today was this lovely creature: The Pegasus Schimmel. Only $160,000 (down from $250,000)! I would love to look at it but hate to play it...is that bench adjustable? Ok, who am I kidding, I would love to play it...

The Call

This poem has always been comforting to me during periods of transition. So I post it today, read it, and then get off my ass and study!

The Call

I have heard it all my life,
A voice calling a name I recognized as my own.

Sometimes it comes as a soft-bellied whisper.
Sometimes it holds an edge of urgency.

But always it says: Wake up my love. You are walking asleep.
There's no safety in that!

Remember what you are and let this knowing
take you home to the Beloved with every breath.

Hold tenderly who you are and let a deeper knowing
colour the shape of your humanness.

There is no where to go. What you are looking for is right here.
Open the fist clenched in wanting and see what you already hold in your hand.

There is no waiting for something to happen,
no point in the future to get to.
All you have ever longed for is here in this moment, right now.

You are wearing yourself out with all this searching.
Come home and rest.

How much longer can you live like this?
Your hungry spirit is gaunt, your heart stumbles. All this trying.
Give it up!

Let yourself be one of the God-mad,
faithful only to the Beauty you are.

Let the Lover pull you to your feet and hold you close,
dancing even when fear urges you to sit this one out.

Remember- there is one word you are here to say with your whole being.
When it finds you, give your life to it. Don't be tight-lipped and stingy.

Spend yourself completely on the saying.
Be one word in this great love poem we are writing together.

© Oriah Mountain Dreamer, from the book The Call, HarperONE, San Francisco 2003

The world is my playground.

Tonight I feel like I have every option available to me, and none at all. In July my employment will end. This is my postdoctoral residency year and it has been a huge growth experience but has also been really trying. It has left me with the recognition that just because people make it all the way through a graduate program in psychology doesn't mean that they're the best people to be psychologists. Even psychologists have "issues," and this comes into the work place. Read: work related conflict (I think that it is the worst kind of conflict because of the type of work we do, talk about head games)!

These experiences have left me thinking about where I want to be next. At times I rule out entire settings because I think there may be a certain "type" of person attracted to that setting, and I am convinced that I must like my coworkers to like my job. But to play that game is to toy with the belief that I control things out of my control. The only thing I can control is me, sadly.

So lately I apply. And apply, and apply, and apply. I am such a good worker, and a hard worker. I am ethical and competent and articulate. But the economy is bad and the areas I would prefer to live are also highly desired by many other folks. This week I've been sick, and hard on myself for being sick. I only sent off one application. I didn't spend as much time studying as I could have had I been well. I'm really hard on myself even when I'm sick. You don't get this far in a career so quickly without being a tad neurotic.

Tonight, though, I want to focus on the things that are really great. So, I'll tick them off and then go to bed.

(1) I am in love. I am dating the most wonderful man and feel that my time in this town was worth all the ups and downs because I have him in my life.

(2) I am going to Hawaii (Kauai) in 2 months with said man. I have never been to Hawaii and will be staying for free in a fabulous time share with another couple (2 of my greatest friends on earth).

(3) I have some of the greatest friends in the world. I know that there are people in my life who would drop everything to come be with me at a moment's notice. I know this because it happened several years ago when I hit rock bottom.

(4) My family will always be there for me. Enough said.

(5) Every place I go becomes a home. Home is where I am and despite all my fears I make good friends and fantastic memories everywhere I go.

Those are the big ones. There are others, to be sure, but it is far too late for me to be awake when I am feeling this sick. After all, I have studying to do tomorrow.