Parenting

Almost everyone I know is having a child, and I don't want to. This is where said people usually look at me with furrowed brows and say, "Some day it will kick in;" (like I can't live without it). Never a fan of patronizing, it is difficult for me to avoid a sense of righteous indignation around these conversations.




So I will take this opportunity to sort out my thoughts on this. Thought number one is centered around the feminist movement. When I think of "reproductive rights," my mind doesn't necessacarily float to abortion clinics. Rather, I think that it is my right not to reproduce. Pretty profound...I know! This is something that makes my mother crazy--this trend that people who are intelligent and settled are choosing to wait to have children. But I have a few very supportive friends who conceptualize it as the result of those with a "cosmopolitan lifestyle" (young professionals who love to travel) choosing to spend time as a single and/or married young adults in recreational activities rather than in activities centered around parenting. Sounds good to me. But to each their own.

That get's me to my second point. I think that women are doing eachother a huge diservice by stereotyping one another and--in our own way--discriminating against one another as it relates to reproductive choices. This gets to the patronizing piece. In my experience, women who have opted to have children seem to feel a need to justify this decision. Sometimes this comes across as a sort of moral superiority ("Well, my husband and I were ready to share our love with another person. We didn't need to be selfish any more."). Seriously. I hear this shit. Conversely, women who have opted to pursue careers scoff and women who stay at home with their kids. In the middle, mothers squabble over who is parenting "correctly" (e.g., "well, your kid is in daycare all day, what kind of mother are you? Your kid doesn't eat organic produce, what kind of mother are you?")



Of course men do this, too, but that's not my point. Ladies! Come on, nobody is right or wrong!! Why can't we band together as women who all face this choice (that is, To Parent or Not To Parent)? Each time a friend announces their plans to start a family I have shared in their excitement over this. But my proclomations of a decision to postpone are met with furrowed brows. It's been going on for the better part of a decade. Thus the rant.

At this point I feel it necessary to put in a disclaimer (so that mothers don't hate me and--) to better clarify my point. I like most children. And in fact, most children like me. Babies especially.

I believe that this will be my final thought for the day on parenting: Having a child does not make you a better caretaker than me. Yes, I realize that it is a major responsibility and that the learning curve is steep. But again, lets avoid getting attached to this "everything I think/do is right" mentality.

Some background: At the age of 7 my parents sat our family down and had a discussion around whether we should become a foster family. We all agreed that it would be a good decision, and soon after I was changing diapers of newborn infant twins. At the age of 13 I was babysitting a sibling group of 4, all under the age of 6. My mother joked around that these experiences were "the best birth control on earth," and in hindsight, I believe she was right. I know what goes into taking care of a premature infant. It is exhausting. Your whole world changes, and right now I kind of like my world as it is.

I can sense mothers all over the world rolling their eyes ("being a sibling isn't the same, babysitting is a far cry from parenting") and I get it. But I've also handed a baby back to a new parent who, until the birth of their child, had never in their life held an infant and thought "Wild! How does that even happen?"

As I think of "where to from here?" I am drawn to commit to calling it like I see it. The psychologist in me is drawn to looking at this as an assertiveness issue. I will endeavor not to be aggressive about my opinions on this, but I'm also not going to passively sit by while other women berate my decision. This gets into that "overt/covert" fuzzy space--sometimes words don't have to be said for judgment to be passed. Thus, if faces are made, I will make a process comment that may hold the potential to make others uncomfortable.

If you have made it to the end of this blog, you are either a woman who is sick of having to defend her position (either side) or you are a member of my immediate family. Either way, I enjoyed writing this down.