I QUIT!!

To date, one of the most liberating experiences of my life has been that of quitting my soul-crushing job. Sugar coat it: I did. Make the best of it: Check. Go every day and remind myself that it's work that I love and was born to do (and that I cared deeply for my clients): Double check. Bury myself in work to see if keeping my head to the ground and doing great work would keep me distracted and everyone else happy: Absolutely. But putting up with daily sexism paired with vacillations between stonewalling and verbal abuse from upper management became too much to bear and I began looking for jobs months ago.

As luck (?) would have it, the job that I've wanted since finishing grad school came available. The circumstances were so perfect that it truly felt like fate. In fact, when I quit my job and my employer became teary eyed (SERIOUSLY??!) and apologized for his treatment of me, I responded by saying, "Honestly, it was for the best. It served as a catalyst for me to move onto better things."

Quitting was easy and incredibly difficult. Easy because I knew with every ounce of my being that it was the correct decision. Difficult because my employer had been so unpredictable that I feared that once I gave my notice he would retaliate. This retaliation came packaged as forced paid administrative leave. My coworkers were told that I was advised by HR that I'd done "such a great job" that I was given additional paid time off as a gesture of good will. I've never in my life worked in such a crazy place. My decision to terminate employment was completely voluntary, and I gave appropriate notice. But I was actually told by my employer that I should leave early and that saying goodbye to coworkers outside my immediate office was "unnecessary and inappropriate." Granted, when I told HR about this my employer's tune changed and suddenly I was the recipient of an office goodbye party.

The entire thing was crazy-making. It's been nearly 2 full weeks since I gave notice, and I still wake up and can't believe it's over. But it is. I will never have to go back to that job. I have learned firsthand how damaging it can be to one's health and relationships to stick with a job that is miserable. I pushed my limits and learned a lot about myself.

Now I had/have 35 days between jobs to take care of myself, enjoy my friends and family, and move. I have a job with the feds!! I am officially "in the system"! This is no small task - it involved the completion of a 20+ page application, physical exam, finger printing, background check, screening interview, and the list goes on. But it comes with many great benefits, including great opportunities for continuing education, career advancement...not to mention retirement, health insurance, and a great jump in income. Given that most of one's income growth happens within the first 5 years of employment in a given field, I was ready and glad for the jump.

I should note that none of this would have been possible without the love and blessing of my fiancé. In September after a particularly bad day, I was feeling really down (ok - I just deleted 'crying.' That's the real story...it was so bad that I was crying...)-- and looking at job postings. We had agreed not to move out of the area for 3 years, which felt like a death sentence. (That sounds dramatic when written, but it really did). I showed him the ad for my dream job, and he looked at me with sincerity and said, "Go for it. Apply and let's see what happens." When what happened meant that he would need to transfer schools yet again, he happily agreed to do so. And just 3 days ago we picked our new home. Yesterday we were approved for it. And now we are cleaning out our home and realizing that we get to begin a new life together.

Everything feels fresh and new, full of possibility and opportunity. It's exhilarating and terrifying. I really hope that things work out for us. I believe that they will.

Oh, and as an aside: I've lost nearly 10 pounds since learning that my shot at this job was pretty good. It's amazing what reducing stress can do for the waistline.

True North

I've been silent for quite some time because I have no laptop and because I've been contemplating the next move in life. I've been making the best of a bad situation-- Spending time with great people, working on remaining more physically active, and planning for my wedding.

In the past month I've had jam-packed weekends: Celebrating a friend's 30th birthday, and shopping for a wedding gown with my mother and grandmother. I've made beautiful memories and tried really hard to remember that bad moments don't equate to a bad life. I really do have a full and beautiful life.

Focusing my energies outside of work and onto other valued areas of my life has led me to recognize and trust my intuition and strength. Since I was a tiny child I've always had a true and steady sense of right and wrong. At times this has gotten me into trouble because it impacts the expectations that I hold for myself and others. But for the most part it has been a wonderful internal compass that always leads me to True North.

Recently I've silenced this voice and stomped on this compass out of a sense of loyalty (another personal trait that I often hold to a fault). But after months of silence and deference - I felt unwell and unhappy. I've found True North again, and changes are coming.

Things That Grow When Left Unattended

(1) My resilient garden: tomatoes, strawberries, raspberries
(2) The persistent warts on my fingers
(3) My to-do list
(4) My credit card debt
(5) My belly

At least raspberries made the list.

So here it is: The last 4 months have sucked balls, but I'm ready for a turn-around. I've been working out regurlary in an effort to crack down on #2 & #5 (I feel so much less stressed when working out regularly, not to mention it's nice to see the inches slide away). I've already begun to notice that clothes are fitting a little better. My posture is improving because I can feel my abs again, so I will count that as a success. I think I may be ready to set up an appointment with a dermatologist to crack down on these warts, because truly, one has been on my pointer finger for over TWO YEARS and I'm sick of attempting to CompoundW that shit off. I believe it has been frozen over 20x and not died, so we may be talking surgery.

But back to the sucking part. If I had to sum it up in a forum that I recognize to be quazi-public (and therefore, I monitor myself), I would say: My boss lied. Big, mega lies. Then he worked to cover his lies. As a result of his lies and his unsuccessful attempt to cover them, he simply eliminate the position that he had promoted me into and this resulted in a loss of income (see item #4). HR was present for all of this, and my name is fully cleared of any wrongdoing; however, this didn't un-do what had been done (eliminating my position). I am now in my original position and he claims publicly that I am a "highly valued employee," but doesn't speak to me in meetings. Much of this seems gender-based, as I notice that he is much more engaged with male employees and trainees. He tends to ask them more direct questions. When he hears responses from multiple sources, he will cite the men before the women.

I had thought that I was out of the woods so far as work-related-interpersonal-stress was considered, and had consequently quit going to yoga months prior to this. In fact, I hadn't been working out much at all and when I look back on it, it's probably because I wasn't very happy. Work was sucking far before any of this went down, and with other life stressors piled on top of it, I was a sad panda.

There have been times that I've considered throwing in the towel & looking for a new sub-field of employment. I really enjoyed corrections & think that maybe that is a group of folks that I could really jive with. But I don't think this is so much about me, as the environment I'm in. And I do really enjoy the clients I see here, so I'm reluctant to leave that.

So here I sit with a long to-do list, some significant motivation to once again cut back on expenses & reduce debt, and a good start on working out. I've been swimming, running, weight lifting, but haven't gone back to yoga. Honestly, my studio is so small that I'm ashamed that my teachers might see how far I've fallen. Basically, I'm ready to rise up in a sort of righteous indignation & be a fuckin' hot bride. I get married in about 12 months & would like to be in a better place (mentally, physically) for that day. So it's time to make it happen.

Also, I would like to buy a puppy. That's probably impulsive...today I looked up golden retriever pups and they're $1,000. But I'm convinced that this would improve my quality of life. I might think on it for a few months.

The Grind

I'm constantly re-learning the fact that office politics at a professional level are not remarkably different from say, the politics of a minimum-wage job. In some ways, it was simpler to work coffee and have adolescent girls stomp around aggressively or pick fights. Professional environments are much more passive, or passive-aggressive. So today I compile a list of my recent insights: S (1) No matter how much an employer claims that they are looking out for their employees, self-preservation trumps all and most people will mount character attacks at others to divert attention from themselves when feeling backed into a corner and unsure of the next move. (2) No matter how nice your physical office environment is, it may not be a comfortable place to work. Despite the remarkable discomfort, productivity should remain stable and consequently it's on you to find a way to tune out the noise in a way that demonstrates that you haven't "checked out." Yoga, meditation, and exercise are good options. Returning to the breath really is a life-saver. (3) Having good co-workers can make even the toughest work environment fun. They may not be able to change anything, but at least you'll have someone to validate that you are not crazy and things happening in this environment are really weird. (4) Nobody is perfect, and no job is perfect. This guy probably has to clean up tourist puke before he goes home to his $1400 a month rental sans electricity. Things always appear more glamorous from the outside.

Setting a Date

It is DONE!! We have a wedding date (for 2013...enough time for even me to plan...) and we have a wedding location:

This will be my dressing room:

Wedding to take place in the courtyard...

Then appetizers & wine inside while giving staff an opportunity to transform the courtyard to something like this:

Hopefully with evening lighting provided by overhead white lights and these babies, complements of an Etsy seller:

We haven't decided on much else (we hope to have acoustic guitar during the ceremony & dinner)--but we have decided that the food will be the main event (that is: No Dancing. None)...with formal dining and deserts served rather than wedding cake, and blood orange martinis for toasting rather than champagne.

One of my bridesmaids is working with the caterer on menu, another bridesmaid has taken over procuring all of the wine & making wedding invitations (holy shit, have I mentioned that my friends are amazing??), and my maid of honor is running the show on setting up a bachlorette party, AND has offered to come to town 2 days early to help with any last minute needs. The best part is that I finally get to marry my fiance. I actually tear up when I think of how special he is and how much I'm looking forward to this day, and to being his wife. I might be a total mess at the wedding, but I'm sure my friends will bring handkerchiefs.

Another item off the list: Car - Financed!!

Purchasing a car was not easy for me. I have been brought up to believe that you DO NOT take on debt. Taking on a student loan in graduate school was my first experience of having anything in the red on my ledger of life, and it was very uncomfortable for me. So despite my excellent credit, I had been putting off financing a car. In addition to the difficulty experienced on the financial guilt end, I struggled to make a decision on make and model. I didn't want a little sports car because I need 4WD for the winters here. I wish I knew how to paste in other blogs, because I would paste in the one in which I complained about getting in trouble for not coming to work on a day when my car literally couldn't make it out of the garage. I also didn't want something huge. The midsized cars and crossovers are so often called "Mom Cars" (by people like me), and in case you're wondering, Yes--that is a bad thing. It shouldn't be, and my inner feminist is kicking me, but I didn't want a "Mom Car." I did, however, want something that I could fit all of my gardening stuff into, throw my mountain bike into rather than getting a bike rack, and fit several friends and luggage for road trips. So after much debate, this is what I got:

It's a brand new Toyota Rav4 Sport. As in, so new that I picked the color from a book and had to wait for the truck to bring it in. I love it! I've had it for about 2 weeks and already put 1,000 miles on it, thanks to a trip home and a road trip with my coworkers:

(To Sandpoint, ID)

It has been great for trips to pick up gardening stuff at Home Depot:

And next weekend we'll be taking it to the OR coast where we've rented a beach house with 2 other couples. Life is good right now...

My First Anthropologie Dress

I'm realizing that I haven't written a blog in quite some time. Originally I was just busy, and then life made another dramatic change. I don't exactly feel like posting into a blog just yet...but to be clear: I didn't elope, I'm not pregnant, and nobody I love has a terminal illness...to my knowledge, anyway. What I can post about is my first anthro dress: The Madison Jumper by Meadow Rue. (FRONT)

I have admired Anthropologie dresses for years, but just don't live close enough to a retail store to try them on. And I've heard that the fit of dresses there is notoriously unpredictable. For instance, I purchased this dress in a size 10, but would've opted for an 8 if one was available (it was a mega-sale; $40 down from $140). As a result of slacking off from yoga, I should not be in either of these sizes! As it is, the dress is loose but not terribly so. The A-line is flattering for a lady like me. By this I mean: long torso, lean upper body, and full hips/thighs. It's everything from childhood that I love: an innocent jumper that's easy to move in, with large pockets for storing summer movie stubs and dandelions. But Anthropologie has outdone themselves and sexed it up a little bit with cleverly placed cut-outs (a t-shirt underneath is necessary, of course).

(BACK)

Even my fiance loved it. It looks good from every angle, and I can't wait to wear it to a spring or summer art festival.

Apparently, I operate well with lists.

Two more mini-goals down. The first: You can't lose 10 lbs if you don't know what your baseline is. I took the plunge and stood on a scale. It was a sad moment, but now I know the baseline and I can get to work. The second: Looked for a great lentil soup recipe to (a) support my weightloss goal (low-calorie and low-cost lunch!) and to (b) make some progress toward that goal of finding 2 great lentil recipes. This was a curried lental soup: Leekes, celery, carrot, diced potato, lots of fresh diced garlic and curry powder, and salt. Boiled with bay leaf for about 20 minutes and it tastes amazing. I'm putting it on the list, but I'm sure there are better lentil recipes out there. I'm looking forward to finding them because this is seriously enough soup for the whole week and the ingredients probably cost a total of $8 (all organic, even).

(BTW - it tastes SO much better than it looks...)

I'm Pretty Much a Bad-Ass

Although I don't have photographic evidence, I attended my first Bridal Fair last weekend in an effort to start cranking off some of this wedding planning. Now in addition to having selected our venue, we've selected our caterer, linens, silver, china/glassware, and centerpieces. We've also discovered some rad discounts through my workplace, so in addition to being beautiful, our wedding shouldn't break the bank (that is, it shouldn't come anywhere CLOSE to the $20,000 - $30,000 currently spent on most weddings). I was glad to be one of only a few brides-to-be who was accompanied to the show by my fiance. Onto my reason for writing this post. I knocked something off my list: Active lunch. Yeah, it was only one, but I had been fearing it for a long time: The 2-mile trail behind my workplace.

It looks terrifying, right? Many employees walk or run during lunch. I had never been on it and feared the following: Seeing co-workers and feeling obligated to chat, seeing co-workers and sweating like a hog, getting lost my first time and being really late back to my office, not having adequate time to change back into business clothes, not having time at my desk to eat anything substantial, etc., etc. It turns out that the trail is BEAUTIFUL, I didn't see anyone I knew, and I had time for lunch after running it. Also, I've signed up for a yoga class offered by my workplace that runs over lunch. I figure that with that on the schedule I'll be sure to have at least one active lunch, and with my new-found love of this trail, maybe even two!!

This was a good first item to pick. Quick to tackle and I'm feeling good about the rest of the list. My workplace is offering a financial planning class free to employees next week, and I've got myself scheduled for it. I'm going to crank out a good portion of this list while I'm still in my 20's. So yeah, I'm pretty much a bad-ass.

Turning 30

This month I turn 30. Three of my greatest friends plan to come to town to help me celebrate, and I'm pretty stinking excited about it. I have wanted to be over 30 since I was about 15. I viewed it as this age at which point I would magically overcome my childhood insecurities, no longer develop pimples, and be revered by children and adults alike as a genuine adult. So basically, I believed (and still, do, to some extent) that I would be more confident and better looking. In my defense, historically BOTH of these things have tended to be true for all women in my family. Like fine wine, we age well. Thank God for great genes.

Last year I wrote a blog in which I indicated a plan to post a list of things I hoped to do before turning 30. This never happened. If I had to identify one reason (more than laziness...) it would simply be: Fear.

I feared writing a list and not accomplishing everything on it. As someone who hates to let myself down, I decided that I would rather not write a list and feel like I had come out ahead. Needless to say, I don't feel that I've come out ahead. Although I accomplished many things on the "list" despite never writing it, I feel that fear won out. I like this quote that I found recently: "The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed --Lloyd Jones" (...I don't like the weighting of humans as better or worse, but I like the message...)

So in addition to being better looking and more confident, I am counting on using turning 30 as a milestone for conquering, or at least--better managing--fear. As someone who has always adored quotes and poems, I've chosen the following to serve as my guiding light:



I know that I won't be able to obliterate fear. But some of the MOST rewarding things that I've done in my life have been the things I've feared the most. Also, I've seen in clients, friends, and family, the consequences of avoiding anything that scares them. In sum, I would describe the major consequence as a life unlived.

So here is my list. I will likely blog about these things throughout the year (as well as the reasons they scare me--there are reasons for each of them). I make no promises to hit them all, because honestly, I have a full-time job and like to use this blog for whatever the hell I want. But here is the list:

Take a financial planning class
Run an 8k
Take a class through parks and rec
Take a class through the community college
Go to a cooking class
Try acupuncture
Get glasses
Lose 10 lbs
Fly to Georgia
Start snowboarding again
Befriend "N-RAD"
Get a part-time assessment gig lined up
Publish the dissertation
Finance a car
Purchase a wedding dress
Put money down on a wedding venue
Join a book club
Go hiking with total strangers
See a live concert (The Frames? Pink Martini?)
Aim for 1 active lunch per week

What do I hope to get out of this, aside from the obvious? Well, more confidence. And honestly, just NOT letting fear get the best of me will be pretty dang rewarding.



In other news, I totally hope that I get a cake, or a cupcake, or at least a balloon with the number "30" in huge print. I still get carded all the time and people on campus constantly mistake me for a student on casual Friday, so I have ZERO insecurities around this number. Bring it, 30!!

Hats from San Francisco in the 40's...

My favorite: A flirty little number for Fall... (tag reads "Austelle Fashion")



Close runner up for my personal favorites, the tag reads: "designed Monte Rey in california"



The most extravagant, but no tag to be found:



The most surprising number of the bunch (to me). A sexy, mysterious hat. Tag reads: "City of Paris. Paris - New York - San Francisco."



The most demure hat of the bunch, this hat is also missing a tag:



*sigh* Sadly, Purchased later in her life, this one is faux fur and made in China. But it was fun to imagine that it, too, was a SF original...



And finally, as a shout out to my Grandpa:



...I hope that his military hats aren't thrown away. The family planned on discarding his WW2 uniforms, but my father salvaged them.

A Funeral & Some Blessings

My fiance and I went to MT for Christmas (fabulous, stayed with my best friend from college) and returned so that I could work--all alone in the center--for the week after Christmas. That week sucked both because (1) nobody else was there, and despite the mountain of administrative work that I had to do I felt bored and lonely without human contact, and (2) I knew that I would have to turn around and drive back to MT for a funeral immediately after the New Year.

I tried not to think of that, instead powering through (okay, trudging through) my work and looking forward to the weekend of New Year's. Some friends came to town to visit & ring in the New Year, and we invited one of the psychologists to join us for libations. The next day we all got up, grabbed coffee, and were out of the house by noon. And just like that I was on my way back to Montana.

The funeral was for my paternal Grandmother. I call her "Betty" following a defining incident that occurred during my childhood. Because I'm still processing all of this, I'll tell it here.

I had gone to visit my grandparents on a trip with only my Dad. I couldn't have been older than 7 or 8. These were rare trips and I can't recall why my mom didn't come along, but what I do recall is that I went to the pool on a hot summer day without sunscreen. I came back to the house with the worst sunburn of my life. It would later morph into blisters that stood over 1 inch off my shoulders. Adults would look at me and grimace. Shirts would hurt, and I would spend time wishing I could be naked but fearing the sun that had done this to my skin.

By the time I felt the pain, it was too late. I walked back to my grandparent's home (literally, across the street in this tiny town) and was greeted with shock. The next thing to happen would confirm a suspicion that I had throughout my childhood: That my grandma didn't have a lot of love in her heart, and certainly not for me.

She looked at me, sadly looked at her aloe plant, and plucked off a leaf to rub over my tender skin. In that moment, I recall thinking that my grandmother loved her aloe plant more than she loved me. Not much changed throughout the remainder of my life. She did write me a letter while I was in college, telling me that she loved me and was proud of me. I held it for an hour and cried; wishing I could have FELT this at some point in my life, instead of reading it. I still have the letter.

By the time of my grandmother's funeral, she had been dead for 20 days. Despite this, the casket was opened for viewing. It wasn't as shocking as you might expect. I stood by her casket and silently wept. I didn't weep for myself, or even for her death. I wept for her life. I wept because I know the incredible depth of love and human connection, and it broke my heart that she pushed so many people out of her life that I doubt she ever really felt this. I wept because in addition to having few (any?) close relationships, she had no vocation. I wept because I see her life as one devoid of meaning. The greatest thing she created in her life, in my view, was my father. For this I'm thankful.

On to the blessings.

(1) On my way to Montana, I had turned off my brights and was driving over a mountain pass when I heard a voice--clear as day--in my head, "...turn on your brights." I did so just in time for the beam to hit the deer in front of me. The brakes squealed, my car stayed on course, and I missed the deer by inches. I had a feeling deep inside my soul that it was Betty who said the words. My first thought was, "I can't imagine why she would want to do anything nice for me."

(2) Upon arriving in Montana, my maternal Grandmother approached me and said, "You know, I was thinking. This funeral will probably be pretty hard on you, and the car ride is long. Would you like some company?" And just like that: She joined me and provided the love and support that I have been blessed with throughout my life. I always tell people that I've felt I only have 1 grandmother, but that she is so wonderful that I wouldn't need more than that. She stood by me as I wept at Betty's casket, and she handed me a fresh handkerchief when the tears kept coming--seemingly inexplicably--throughout the funeral. She told me stories of her emotional reactions to death throughout her lifetime, and we talked about how sad it was that Betty died alone.

(3) I learned some things about Betty via a box that would've likely been thrown away, but was instead given to me. It contained fabulous hats that she bought in San Francisco in the 40's; when my Grandfather was stationed there as MP. I took tons of photos of them ON (they are ADORABLE), but they all ended up upside-down and I'm too impatient to fix it tonight. So 1 photo must suffice. I'll post the rest another day.



The hats served as a reminder that everyone is young and beautiful and full of dreams (was she full of dreams...?) at some point in life. If she could pull off these hats, she must have had some spunk to her. All that I can hold of that is these hats. I'll take it. Somehow they softened my heart toward her. I liked her style. It's a small connection, but a connection nonetheless. A hatbox made me feel closer to Betty than I'd ever felt in my life.

I will live my life differently.