21 Days of Gratitude Experiment - Day 1

I have been reading a lot about the transformative power of writing down an expression of gratitude on a regular basis. One author advocates for 21 days of gratitude: for around 5 minutes a day, sit and reflect on things that you are grateful for.

Today?

I am grateful that my commute to and from work was uneventful.
I am grateful to live in the home that I do - it is so accessible & the perfect size.
I am grateful for a quiet neighborhood, and a quiet next-door duplex resident
I am grateful for friends who are available when I need a listening ear.
I am grateful for a cat with a strong personality.

That list probably took more than 5 minutes. I wasn't looking for things to be grateful for today, and I spent a good portion of the day feeling out of sorts. Here's hoping tomorrow's list comes a little quicker....

A Yoga Miracle

Last Thursday after yoga a woman approached me with a request for a "yoga support buddy." We had been in our intro class together (back in October) but she was forced to take a break for a little over a month on the request of her physical therapist. She was happy to see a familiar face. There is enough variety in class times and type, and in traffic at the studio that it isn't uncommon to recognize but not "know" anybody.

Just that morning I had been telling a coworker that this is the least friendly city I've lived in for the past decade. I've tried to be friendly, but I don't get much back. In my last hometown my neighbor became one of my best friends. Prior to that (Beaverton OR) my neighbor gifted me with brand new moving boxes when she found out I was short on funds and let me know they would miss both myself and my friendly cat. And prior to that (Washougal WA) my neighbor invited me over to make gingerbread houses with she and her 5-year-old granddaughter. But it's not just my neighbors in this city, it seems like it's everyone I've come across. This is a very insular town with many native residents who have their established groups of friends and don't seem interested in expanding. Especially if you're not really into hanging out at bars.

Yoga is such a personal practice that I never considered the possibility of making friends at the shala. In fact, as I was walking away with this woman's number the feeling of joy I had ("OH YAY! A FRIEND!") quickly wore off and was replaced by: "Oh God, is she going to expect to talk before and after class? Is she going to want to be in all the same classes?" But the truth is that I have really come to love Ashtanga, and it might be really nice to have a friend who is invested in the practice, as well. Here is hoping that she's not a loony toon.

Living for Weekends

As always, I have many a thought swirling around and have been thinking all weekend about blogging. But what is most on my mind is something I'm not "inspired" about, but rather something I'm feeling guilty about. It is: I live for the weekends.

I work at a job every day where we talk about "finding your passion." I'm surrounded by this idea...and feel a lot of pressure to prove that I've found my passion. It seems that others are convinced that one has found their passion when (A) They see that you're working more (e.g., more hours), and (B) that you're produce more (e.g., projects or other things with tangible results). But see, this seems like a problem. Picking apart this statement we can see that some blue-collar values (working long hours and having something to show for it) have snuck into this picture.

I really like my job on most days. I can't say it enough. Although I DON'T love office politics, and believe that they exist in every agency, I do love clinical work. That said, here are things that I love equally, and in some cases, even more:

Spending time with my fiance
Walking my cat
Practicing Ashtanga Yoga, running
Keeping a home (clean, beautiful, welcoming)
Traveling to new and exciting (or old and familiar) places
Catching up with family
Visiting with friends
Cooking and baking
Reading fiction
Playing piano
Memory keeping (photo albums, journals, scrapbooks)
Time outdoors (fishing, swimming, hiking)
Meditation

I could probably write a much longer list, however, it is late and I have been sick all weekend long. That means that since Friday night I have been primarily sitting on my couch and/or sleeping. I am still sick and am fretting about whether to call in tomorrow and have my appointments for the day cancelled.

I feel ripped off. I spent a great portion of last week looking forward to the weekend, and then I spent the weekend sick.

This whole work/life balance thing just seems to be eluding me. I work for it, think I've found it, settle into it, and then someone at work challenges me to take on evening responsibilities that are outside my job description and challenges my commitment to my work (direct quote: "Well, I can understand if you're not passionate about working with X group of students") when I politely decline in the interest of maintain said work/life balance. Any feeling of homeostasis that I had for half a second flies out the window and I'm back to square one. It lends to this feeling of "making it through the week" in order to get to the weekend, rather than really being present with my experiences of the week. I'm clearly not satisfied with it (as evidenced by blogging about work on what? Yes, a weekend).

What I can change: My attitude, my approach.
What I can't change: Well, basically everything else.

As I write this I'm realizing that part of my "attitude" change may be simply not allowing myself to be phased by any attempts to attack my work ethic. It is a sneaky tactic. I am willing to bet that it is highly effective with many people.

Other ideas? Or does everyone else live for the weekends, too? I've shared this experience with a number of girlfriends who are also psychologists, and they have expressed similar feelings ("oh yeah, my job is great but every day I'm just counting down 'till the weekend"). I mean, this is my first "official" job. This is my first time with ZERO vacation days for an entire year. Is this simply adult life? Do I just need a vacation?

Thank God for Nerds

I grew up in a small, conservative town of 3,000. I couldn't tell you what my family's "class" was at that point (most Americans inaccurately describe themselves as "middle class" when they are in fact above or below). What I can tell you is that most of my clothes were from second-hand stores. We ate venison before it was in vogue because a hunting tag (if successful) was cheaper than buying beef. My mother fed us a blend of ground up cow tongue with pickled relish as a sandwich filler because this mash-up was cheaper and had more nutritional benefit than deli meats or bologna. Despite these modifications, I don't remember being bitterly cold (impressive given the sometimes -30 temperatures of Western Montana) or ever going hungry.



As a child I enjoyed make-believe and imaginative play. Despite never having the hot new toy, my parents did a most AMAZING thing that I will appreciate until the day I die: They built me a sizable shed in the back yard that was my play house. It had a true foundation, a shingled flat roof, and was wired with electricity (light, not heat). In it, they placed a hand-built "kitchen" set, a doll cradle, and a box full of antique clothing for dress-up. A poster of a unicorn hung on the wall. It was my dream haven. Located behind my haven were our duck and rabbit pens.

I had a beautiful childhood. I remember playing with sticks under the neighbors tree for hours, then reading Nancy Drew novels in my swimsuit under the shade of lilac trees. On hot days I could tinker on my piano and snack on "Mr. Freeze" Popsicles (or walk 6 blocks to the house of a friend who's mother got weekly deliveries from the Schwan's man). We couldn't afford cable television, and so I went my entire life (until college) without it.



At some point I transformed from an eccentric, articulate, reflective child into a very introverted and oddball teenager. I watched Star Trek, Tron, and a variety of rented BBC productions way before these things were cool (we did have a VCR). I probably read "too much" science fiction and fantasy, and when I switched genres it was to read biographies of famous, strong women or to nurse my (possibly excessive?) curiosity about the Holocaust. At times I preferred practicing piano to conversation with pretty much anybody. As I grew into a teen, I continued to wear second hand clothing but began to pick it myself. Not one to oppose my budding development, my mother allowed me to leave the house in things like: A fishing vest, a "Nobody's Born A Bigot" t-shirt (yes--in small-town Montana), and men's polo shirts.



I got made fun of. A lot. I clung to a belief that this was "character building."

As I moved into Jr. High I had already come into the realization that I really didn't fit in. I suppose all Jr. High School students feel this way at one point or time--but I mean, I felt it with every cell of my being. I knew what I valued and wanted in my life from a very young age, and it didn't match up with what my peers valued and wanted.

Around this time of life - in the evenings - I would put on shoes and take in a deep breath of what I can still identify as the purest mountain air that has ever entered my lungs, and I would run. I would imagine that my legs could run me far away from this place I had grown up in. I would imagine a world where people understood me and shared my interests. I would run and imagine what it would be like to achieve my goals and to visit new places & meet new people. One night after a run I sat on the porch of my parent's home and looked at the soft lights of the town beneath us. I had a vision of myself that warmed my entire being: I was dressed in black--sleek and stylish, my hair pulled back in a ponytail. I was carrying a bag with my work materials in it, and I was in a city.

I set about working toward this image. Along the way, I found nerds. I found people who loved science fiction, classical music, and video games. I found people who loved boardgames (and not just the ones your grandma played, but also Eurogames!) and role playing, ane even pinochle. I found people who took joy in playing and practicing an instrument. I found people who took pleasure in sitting for hours during the evenings and discussing coursework, current events, and politics. I found people who ate organic foods, who fought for social justice, and who believed in something larger than themselves. I found people who liked to snowboard, snowshoe, and skinny dip in glacial runoff. I found people who loved to bargain shop for quality clothing. I found people who dropped out of school to thru hike the Pacific Crest Trail. The quantity and variety of nerds that I encountered was pretty dang exhillerating.


(It didn't hurt that pioneers like Tina Fey made being a nerd "hot" during this period of time. Thanks Tina Fey!)

I remember standing in Portland, Oregon one day and waiting for the MAX. I was wearing black, my hair was up, and I was carrying an assessment kit. The memory of that night on my porch washed over me and my eyes teared as I realized that I had come out of a place where I felt as though there was no place for me and I had created my place in the world. It felt right, it felt good. I had found my family and my people. I have since moved from Portland but I continue to encounter these people, and to recreate this family. Everywhere I go I encounter people who have had similar experiences of feeling like outsiders in their hometowns, only to become high-achieving adults with a wide variety of interests and hobbies.

I love that the word "nerd" has been embraced by a group of awesome adults. It's cool to be a nerd these days. It probably means that your IQ is in the high average to superior range, and that you make a pretty rad income. I shudder to get any negative response to this comparison--but it almost seems like the transition that happened with the LGBTQ group reclaimed the label of "Queer" as a power-label.

Nerds took this:



one step further and created this:



Nerds didn't just passively accept the fact that we were different, or shamefully bow our heads as "misfits." We embraced it. Thank God for nerds.

(BTW I have been called a "fringe nerd" and actually take some offense to this. But it's true that I haven't read Dune, which as best I can tell seems to be some nerdom rite of passage....)

Theoretical Differences

I work in college counseling. If you would have asked me 4 years ago where I envisioned myself working in 4 years I would have said, "a prison!" I love both corrections and forensic psychology (this is probably a topic for another post). If you asked me just a year ago where I envisioned myself working in the next year I would have said, "a prison, or for the U.S. Military!" (Yes--I do appreciate the irony).

Yet here I am in college counseling. I don't mean to imply that I'm disappointed in this, because it is not at all the case. In my heart I am a clinical psychologist and a generalist. You could plop me into just about any setting (hospital, college, community/non-profit agency) and I would thrive. I do find it curious that my path in life keeps diverting into college counseling.

I am the only clinical psychologist employed at my center. The other counselors here are PhD or MA/MS level counseling psychologists. I was brought in to manage the clinical cases that were challenging the scope of training of the current staff. As best I can tell, I was recruited because I had experience with serious and persistent mental illness, as well as experience in risk and crisis management (and working in primary care).

Because of the differences in training (clinical vs counseling, medical model vs developmental model), there are some major theoretical differences that pop up in my workplace. The biggest of these are differences in conceptualization of the model and mission of the center. This is a complex issue. Currently students come in and are asked if they want to be seen for career counseling or for "personal issues." There is an cautiousness around asking students whether they want to be seen for "mental health" because this implies "mental illness" and could create a level of stigma that might prevent students from seeking assistance. For me, as a provider of mental health services (I don't participate in the career counseling component at present) this is frustrating. I think: How can we work toward breaking down the stigma around mental illness if we refuse to call an apple an apple?

Also a part of this picture is the mission of the center I work in. It is to "enhance academic success" and "support the educational mission" of the university.

Consequently, recommended reading includes books like this:

An excerpt from the first pages states this: "A physician who views the work as a job and is simply interested in making a good income does not have a calling, while a garbage collector who sees the work as making the world a cleaner, healthier place could have a calling (pp.17-18)."

Oh. My. Goodness.

I get the point here. Do what you love. Find your passion and follow it. Live it, breathe it, bathe in it. But here's the rub: The book seems to interchangeably use the words "purpose," and "calling," and "vocation."

What if your vocation isn't your calling? What if you're 18 and you don't know what your passion or "purpose" is? How can anyone possibly account for the developmental changes that young adulthood will bring (that is--a career that one believes will be promising at age 18 may not feel so fulfilling at 35). What if you know what your passion is and it doesn't pay anything?

I work with students who have a passion for backpacking and shopping, but they also face a huge amount of both internal (self) and external (family, societal) pressure to demonstrate success financially. Do they follow their passion (quit school and backpack or become 'professional shoppers')--hoping that their bodies and the job market holds up? Or do they do the culturally acceptable thing and stick it out (getting a business degree and working a 9-5 job)?

This is a very real pressure that students face today. And in my university (even more than the last university I worked in), it is STRONGLY emphasized. Find your passion. Devote your life to it.

That pressure alone would be enough to alarm most college students. Now imagine a college student under that pressure who also has any of the following: An anxiety disorder. Depression. Bereavement after loss of a parent or good friend. ADHD or a Learning Disability. An Eating Disorder.

It is simply overwhelming for them. And suddenly my role within the center with very specific guidelines ("enhance academic success, support the educational mission") starts to look a lot different than the role of a counseling psychologist who engages students in career or academic counseling. It starts to look like evidence-based treatment of anxiety, depression, grief, and disordered eating. Because I just can't work with students on skills for academic success (time management, etc) when they can hardly get out of bed in the morning. It is a simple issue of hierarchy of needs (see Maslow's pyramid - pasted in). But I also believe that those students deserve as much of a chance as any other student in the university.



These theoretical differences are ones that pop up in almost every university counseling center across the U.S. Previously I (as a clinical psychologist trained in a medical model) was in a majority in my center. I am now a minority and am trying to understand the new majority (counseling, developmental model) that I am a part of. I think that we all have a great deal to learn from each other and I'm excited and hopeful about how it will turn out in 5 years or so as the student population continues to grow and the needs of these students shifts.

Here is to treating new challenges as opportunities for learning (I know--I know--I was griping about "growth edges" in the last post, but I'm a psychologist. It's my job to reframe! Sometimes it is just exhausting...)

Searching For Om

Om is not just a sound or vibration. It is not just a symbol. It is the entire cosmos, whatever we can see, touch, hear and feel. Moreover, it is all that is within our perception and all that is beyond our perception. It is the core of our very existence. If you think of Om only as a sound, a technique or a symbol of the Divine, you will miss it altogether. ..... Om is the mysterious cosmic energy that is the substratum of all the things and all the beings of the entire universe. It is an eternal song of the Divine. It is continuously resounding in silence on the background of everything that exists. ~Amit Ray, Om Chanting & Meditation

At my yoga shala we do Sanskrit call and response before our yoga practice. We typically begin the call and response with "Om," and sometimes we end our practice with "Om" (other times, we end with Kirtan music - which resonates so deep in my soul after a hard physical practice that I have actually had tears come to my eyes in Savasana). This beginning and end are powerful for me because they are marked with first anxious anticipation and excitement for the practice in front of me, and then a sense of peace and connectedness with the practice I've left behind.

The later "Om" is what I find myself searching for so often in my daily life. I'm frustrated with my tendency to slip into a neurotic frenzy (okay, it's not that bad--but it feels that bad when I have this expectation of myself to be all chill and Zen).

The last few weeks have been a struggle for me at work. The focus of administrators and consequently, myself, has been on my weaknesses (or as we in the psychology biz like to say-- "Growth Edges" --oh God, how do I stand it sometimes)? I had to stop myself over the weekend and take a moment to reevaluate my MANY strenghts. Seriously, there are a ton. I'm not in this profession because I got lucky, I'm in it because it was right for me and I'm really good at it.

I say this now, but when I come home each day I find myself searching for the moment I have at the end of my yoga practice in order to pull my mind away from the troubles of the day. I search in different ways: I burn the incense my studio uses for a cheap thrill of association (man I love that I can "cheat" my brain). I read and I ponder. I call friends and reflect. I go to yoga and attempt to create it--sometimes with success.

Tonight I read several things that really touched me. One was a list of meditation scripts given to me by a favorite professor in graduate school. I haven't touched them since 2007 and was happy to find them again. The other was entitled 5 Things Happy People Do, written by Gabrielle Leblanc, a writer and neuroscientist.

Although this will for an epic post make, I will post it in because I'd like to come back to it and read it again and again:

Sages going back to Socrates have offered advice on how to be happy, but only now are scientists beginning to address this question with systematic, controlled research. Although many of the new studies reaffirm time-honored wisdom ("Do what you love," "To thine own self be true"), they also add a number of fresh twists and insights. We canvassed the leading experts on what happy people have in common—and why it's worth trying to become one of them.

1. They find their most golden self.

Picture happiness. What do you see? A peaceful soul sitting in a field of daisies appreciating the moment? That kind of passive, pleasure-oriented—hedonic—contentment is definitely a component of overall happiness. But researchers now believe that eudaimonic well-being may be more important. Cobbled from the Greek eu ("good") and daimon ("spirit" or "deity"), eudaimonia means striving toward excellence based on one's unique talents and potential—Aristotle considered it to be the noblest goal in life. In his time, the Greeks believed that each child was blessed at birth with a personal daimon embodying the highest possible expression of his or her nature. One way they envisioned the daimon was as a golden figurine that would be revealed by cracking away an outer layer of cheap pottery (the person's baser exterior). The effort to know and realize one's most golden self—"personal growth," in today's lingo—is now the central concept of eudaimonia, which has also come to include continually taking on new challenges and fulfilling one's sense of purpose in life.

"Eudaimonic well-being is much more robust and satisfying than hedonic happiness, and it engages different parts of the brain," says Richard J. Davidson, PhD, of the University of Wisconsin-Madison. "The positive emotion accompanying thoughts that are directed toward meaningful goals is one of the most enduring components of well-being." Eudaimonia is also good for the body. Women who scored high on psychological tests for it (they were purposefully engaged in life, pursued self-development) weighed less, slept better, and had fewer stress hormones and markers for heart disease than others—including those reporting hedonic happiness—according to a study led by Carol Ryff, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison.

2. They design their lives to bring in joy.

It may seem obvious, but "people don't devote enough time to thinking seriously about how they spend their life and how much of it they actually enjoy," says David Schkade, PhD, a psychologist and professor of management at the University of California San Diego. In a recent study, Schkade and colleagues asked more than 900 working women to write down everything they'd done the day before. Afterward, they reviewed their diaries and evaluated how they felt at each point. When the women saw how much time they spent on activities they didn't like, "some people had tears in their eyes," Schkade says. "They didn't realize their happiness was something they could design and have control over."

Analyzing one's life isn't necessarily easy and may require questioning long-held assumptions. A high-powered career might, in fact, turn out to be unfulfilling; a committed relationship once longed for could end up being irritating with all the compromising that comes with having a partner. Dreams can be hard to abandon, even when they've turned sour.

Fortunately, changes don't have to be big ones to tip the joy in your favor. Schkade says that if you transfer even an hour of your day from an activity you hate (commuting, scrubbing the bathroom) to one you like (reading, spending time with friends), you should see a significant improvement in your overall happiness. Taking action is key. Another recent study, at the University of Missouri, compared college students who made intentional changes (joining a club, upgrading their study habits) with others who passively experienced positive turns in their circumstances (receiving a scholarship, being relieved of a bad roommate). All the students were happier in the short term, but only the group who made deliberate changes stayed that way.

3. They avoid "if only" fantasies.

If only I get a better job...find a man...lose the weight...life will be perfect. Happy people don't buy into this kind of thinking.

The latest research shows that we're surprisingly bad at predicting what will make us happy. People also tend to misjudge their contentment when zeroing in on a single aspect of their life—it's called the focusing illusion. In one study, single subjects were asked, "How happy are you with your life in general?" and "How many dates did you have last month?" When the dating question was asked first, their romantic life weighed more heavily into how they rated their overall happiness than when the questions were reversed.

The other argument against "if only" fantasies has to do with "hedonic adaptation"—the brain's natural dimming effect, which guarantees that a new house won't generate the same pleasure a year after its purchase and the thrill of having a boyfriend will ebb as you get used to being part of a couple. Happy people are wise to this, which is why they keep their lives full of novelty, even if it's just trying a new activity (diving, yoga) or putting a new spin on an old favorite (kundalini instead of vinyasa).

4. They put best friends first.

It's no surprise that social engagement is one of the most important contributors to happiness. What's news is that the nature of the relationship counts. Compared with dashing around chatting with acquaintances, you get more joy from spending longer periods of time with a close friend, according to research by Meliksah Demir, PhD, assistant professor of psychology at Northern Arizona University. And the best-friend benefit doesn't necessarily come from delving into heavy discussions. One of the most essential pleasures of close friendship, Demir found, is simple companionship, "just hanging out," as he says, hitting the mall or going to the movies together and eating popcorn in the dark.

5. They allow themselves to be happy.

As much as we all think we want it, many of us are convinced, deep down, that it's wrong to be happy (or too happy). Whether the belief comes from religion, culture, or the family you were raised in, it usually leaves you feeling guilty if you're having fun.

"Some people would say you shouldn't strive for personal happiness until you've taken care of everyone in the world who is starving or doesn't have adequate medical care," says Howard Cutler, MD, coauthor with the Dalai Lama of The Art of Happiness in a Troubled World. "The Dalai Lama believes you should pursue both simultaneously. For one thing, there is clear research showing that happy people tend to be more open to helping others. They also make better spouses and parents." And in one famous study, nuns whose autobiographies expressed positive emotions (such as gratitude and optimism) lived seven to 10-and-a-half years longer than other nuns. So, for any die-hard pessimist who still needs persuading, just think of how much more you can help the world if you allow a little happiness into your life.

Isn't it powerful?? Working toward being purposefully engaged in life, toward developing one's self can help to neutralize stress and create happiness. But only if we work to bring joy into our lives, and avoid getting trapped in narrowly banded fantasies of what might make us happy. And only if we are prepared to accept happiness.

I recognize I've addressed two vastly different topics in this post: serenity/calm and happiness. But for me they're very connected. When I am serene and calm, I am able to feel content. And when I am content I am generally happy.

I don't feel that I'm being greedy here. I am frequently having conversations with my clients around the fleeting nature of all emotional states. I know that these states I'm looking for are fleeting...but I'm hoping to get myself into a habit of seeking them out by making space in my life for them. I have space in my life to be content and happy. I really believe it.

Getting Engaged Made Me Prettier

A little over a week ago, the man I have loved for nearly 2 years (in March--wow)! asked me to marry him. We have talked about marriage a lot, but the question still came as such a surprise that it took a few moments (okay, days) to sink in that we were actually engaged.

He asked on a Wednesday, and we went ring shopping the following weekend. By Monday we had picked the ring (and isn't it beautiful??!!) and by Friday it was on my hand.

Since this date, I have been pretty stinking happy. Nobody I pass on the street knows my huge smile is correlated to the ring on my hand, so they reciprocate with a big grin and say things like, "My, you have the most beautiful hair!" Or on the more benign end, "Good morning! Beautiful day, isn't it?!" It's true that we tend to find people who smile more attractive. Thus, I have concluded that getting engaged made me prettier. (Okay scientist friends, don't point out the errors in deduction on that one--I am savoring this!)

My heart feels light and happy. I haven't yet written "get engaged" or "get married" on my "Before 30 Bucket List;" (which I am still writing...it's a hard list to make!)however, there was a big part of me that wanted to reach this milestone in my 20's. I think it is my 12-year-old self, who once wrote in a journal a life plan that looked like this:



17 - Graduate High School
21 - Graduate College
23 - Get Married
24 - Have First Baby


Despite my huge diversion from this life plan; I think that if my 12-year-old self met me today, she would have been pretty proud. And that makes me feel good inside.

The Unpublished Blog

Going through my posts today--I stumbled on this draft. It is still relevant, so I am posting it: (written 03/01/11)

I have been having strange stomach upset all week long. My digestive functioning is so closely tied to my mood that I wondered what was going on. Am I worried about upcoming job responsibilities? Am I worried about obtaining promotion? Am I worried about wedding planning? I was going around and around.

Last night I ran 2 miles in an effort to place my energy somewhere healthy. Tonight I practiced Ashtanga and it brought me down a level or two. But it was checking facebook that finally brought it all together for me.

Ever year for the past 3 years, my future has been uncertain during this period of time. It has looked like this:

3 Years Ago
"Will I get a competetive internship? Will it be my top choice? Will it be the best thing for my career? How will my current relationships be impacted? Will I make new friends? Will I have the energy to move?" (Get outcome, cope with changes, settle in for a year....)

2 Years Ago
"Will I get a postdoc? Will it be the right one for me? Will it build my career and propell me forward? Should I stay with the same agency or will other employers frown on that? Is it foolish to stay in something because it is comforable? " (Make decision, cope with changes, settle in for a year....)

Last Year
"Will I be able to find a job? Am I really applying during an economic downturn--how did this happen? Will it pay a wage that I can live with? Should I apply geographically (the west) or more broadly? Will I make new friends? Will I have the energy to move? Do I look for a job I can stick with for a few years, or do I look for THE job that I want to have for a decade?"

Tonight I was on facebook and saw friends in different stages of this process posting their anxieties all over the internet.

A friend applying for postdoc:
"Will I be in San Diego or LA? Gotta trust the process."

A friend applying for funded grad school positions:
"Someone wake me up in 3 months, I'm over this."

A dear friend who is a military psychologist:
"Just got my orders today--moving in June. Need to sell the house and move across the country."

A round of friends just received news of internship placements within the week.

This anxiety is palpable to me. I'm not far enough removed from it to be immune to absorbing some of it. This career requires a lot of tolerance of ambiguity. It requires a willingness and readiness to move a LOT in order to complete training. I have gotten used to this ambiguity, but I believe to such an extent that I have jumped into a state of anticipatory anxiety even though it is over for me. In fact--I have created a new layer for myself.

I don't know what to do with this awareness.

**05/05 - I think this is at the root of my sleep problem, etc. I don't need to worry about finding a job next year--I have one. The bottom isn't going to fall out of anything. I can work my job and live my life...I don't need to worry about moving or changing anything. This is actually really difficult for me to wrap my head around, and my body knows it. It's as if my body is charging up for a move, and a LOT of change--things that just aren't going to happen.**