The Unpublished Blog

Going through my posts today--I stumbled on this draft. It is still relevant, so I am posting it: (written 03/01/11)

I have been having strange stomach upset all week long. My digestive functioning is so closely tied to my mood that I wondered what was going on. Am I worried about upcoming job responsibilities? Am I worried about obtaining promotion? Am I worried about wedding planning? I was going around and around.

Last night I ran 2 miles in an effort to place my energy somewhere healthy. Tonight I practiced Ashtanga and it brought me down a level or two. But it was checking facebook that finally brought it all together for me.

Ever year for the past 3 years, my future has been uncertain during this period of time. It has looked like this:

3 Years Ago
"Will I get a competetive internship? Will it be my top choice? Will it be the best thing for my career? How will my current relationships be impacted? Will I make new friends? Will I have the energy to move?" (Get outcome, cope with changes, settle in for a year....)

2 Years Ago
"Will I get a postdoc? Will it be the right one for me? Will it build my career and propell me forward? Should I stay with the same agency or will other employers frown on that? Is it foolish to stay in something because it is comforable? " (Make decision, cope with changes, settle in for a year....)

Last Year
"Will I be able to find a job? Am I really applying during an economic downturn--how did this happen? Will it pay a wage that I can live with? Should I apply geographically (the west) or more broadly? Will I make new friends? Will I have the energy to move? Do I look for a job I can stick with for a few years, or do I look for THE job that I want to have for a decade?"

Tonight I was on facebook and saw friends in different stages of this process posting their anxieties all over the internet.

A friend applying for postdoc:
"Will I be in San Diego or LA? Gotta trust the process."

A friend applying for funded grad school positions:
"Someone wake me up in 3 months, I'm over this."

A dear friend who is a military psychologist:
"Just got my orders today--moving in June. Need to sell the house and move across the country."

A round of friends just received news of internship placements within the week.

This anxiety is palpable to me. I'm not far enough removed from it to be immune to absorbing some of it. This career requires a lot of tolerance of ambiguity. It requires a willingness and readiness to move a LOT in order to complete training. I have gotten used to this ambiguity, but I believe to such an extent that I have jumped into a state of anticipatory anxiety even though it is over for me. In fact--I have created a new layer for myself.

I don't know what to do with this awareness.

**05/05 - I think this is at the root of my sleep problem, etc. I don't need to worry about finding a job next year--I have one. The bottom isn't going to fall out of anything. I can work my job and live my life...I don't need to worry about moving or changing anything. This is actually really difficult for me to wrap my head around, and my body knows it. It's as if my body is charging up for a move, and a LOT of change--things that just aren't going to happen.**