My laptop broke down a few months ago. I decided that I really sink too much time into the Internet, anyway, so when the option to purchase a new battery for it came up I just chose to shove the it under my couch. I justified it by reminding myself that I have a computer at work (which, I have since been viewing way too much personal e-mail, etc., on) and I didn't need to waste money on a tech part (which was a null point when I dropped a few hundred dollars on an IPhone 4s a few weeks back).
Where to start? I am loving my new job, but also feeling a little worthless. My pay raise ignited my blue-collar guilt: I have this perception that since I got a little over a 20% raise, I should also somehow increase my workload by roughly 20%. This is an insane idea, and there is no way that I even COULD do it, but I'm used to being "MVP" on a clinical team (that is, seeing the most clients and complaining about it the least), and in my administrative role I spend a lot of time doing, well, administrative stuff. Which is actually pretty important as far as keeping a clinic running goes, but at the end of the day I don't have the same stats to look at and think "wow, I was a good psychologist today."
I spend my days doing a lot of things for which other people get credit. This means that I'm doing my job right, but I have these fretful moments at my desk when I reflect on how often--not so long ago--I figured that administrators sat behind closed doors and did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Now I know that they (WE?!) are doing shit. Very important shit. But at the end of the day, often times, there is no tangible proof of this unless you were to open my inbox or pull my call history and see that I was responding to e-mails, phone calls, and signing case notes all day.
On the up side, I do some really cool things, too. I got invited to be a panelist on a panel of feminists at a recent showing of MissRepresentation (check it out online). I have been aligning myself with the Women's & Gender Studies department because the faculty who work in it are just fucking rad. I've been taking more time to meet with faculty on campus, and the word is spreading that there's a new sheriff in town (not me, but MY boss) and things are looking amazing at the center. It's fun to be a part of that. OH!! AND, we got money to start an assessment clinic. As in, LD and personality assessment! I'm so stinkin' excited!! Booyah, I totally pushed for that and it HAPPENED.
I am supposed to be writing our policy and procedure manual, but every time I start it, I get interrupted. Also, it is a bear of a task. Dissertation #2. So I keep telling myself that I will do it on the "break" that never comes.
This months I was sick twice. We're talking 2 days, period. I haven't been sick all year long, so these were the first days that I've taken, and on the advice of a friend I called in and didn't say WHAT was wrong--just that I was sick. I had gotten in the habit of letting work know WHAT I was sick with, which I discovered is actually, legally, none of their business, so I stopped.
Today I got an e-mail from my boss requesting a meeting on Monday "to address your use of sick leave." As per my usual Chicken-Little routine, I assumed I am being fired, or that my fingers will be cut off and sent as a warning to my family, or that at the very least--I will be strongly reprimanded. I hope that anyone who might be reading this is laughing and rolling their eyes, and perhaps empathizing...even just a little bit. Sometimes when life gets this good I make assumptions that the bottom is just waiting to fall out. Can you tell I'm German?
How did this turn into a blog about work?
A few weeks ago I joined one of my best friends, and her family, for Thanksgiving. It was so wonderful. I feel so incredibly thankful to have friends who feel like family, and who invite me into their families. This Christmas my fiance and I will be staying with my best friend from undergrad for the week that I visit family. She owns a restaurant and her only request of me was that I tell her if I'm going to be "home" (her beautiful, cabin-in-the-woods home) for dinner so that she can be sure to make enough food. Seriously, how did I get so effing lucky?? I'm also looking forward to seeing my family, of course. But it has been a LONG time since I spent any sort of extended period of time with good friends, and lately it has been what my heart needs.
I fell off the yoga wagon and gained back the weight that I had lost while on it. Whatever. I'm on a monthly membership and the shala always feels better in the winter when I'm cold (it's hot yoga--a hard thing to talk myself into in the summer months). So I have a plan for winter, now. Get my yoga arms back. A new store (Title Nine) opened in Spokane and I have purchased at least 6 outfits and several yoga sets from them. There's nothing quite so motivating as new athletic clothes. They are great to watch TV in. I wish I was kidding.
Okay, this wins the award for most rambling blog post that I've ever written, but I wanted to put some words down. Maybe the next one will be a little more organized.
In sum: Life is good, but I still question everything. Yup. Definitely German. And a psychologist.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Wine Touring: A Lot Like Driving
Over Labor Day weekend I joined my best friend from undergrad for a weekend of wine touring. I imagined vines dripping with grapes...the musky smell of earth. For some reason it didn't occur to me that wine touring in Eastern Washington is not at all the same as wine touring in Oregon. I repeat: NOT THE SAME AT ALL.
Despite my brief mourning of OR wine country, the trip was really great because of the people we had along. We hung out at Daven Lore for a long while and made buddies with the 2 ranch dogs on the property. The wine maker is Canadian and was super friendly. Also, he had Chuckar Cherries to pair with the wine, so clearly, he's an okay dude.
The Daven Lore logo is pretty clever: coyotes with bellies full of wine and the image of wine bottles between their long legs. Apparently coyotes love to eat grapes. Who knew.
We also went to Airfield Estates, where our friend's conveniently have a membership. This meant discounted wine, so despite thinking that I wouldn't pick any up this trip I ended up bringing home 8 bottles from various tasting rooms. Compared to the $400+ that the other 2 couples dropped on wine, this was nothing.
By the end of the day, my fiance and I had decided that wine touring was a lot like driving. He doesn't drink at all, and despite what my friends may think, I am not accustomed to drinking before 4:00 p.m. Consequently, my stomach revolted after only 4-5 tasting rooms. We decided to skip out on the next day of wine touring and hang out with my fiance's adorable niece and nephew. It was a great decision. I missed having the extra time with my alcoholic friends (kidding) but my fiance's family made us eggs and chorizo and then bounced us around in front of the Kinect where I proceeded to give my fiance a virtual beat-down.
Overall: Time well spent. All of it. Even the driving.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Vacation Diaries - Kauai Day 2
I had to ask my fiance what we did on the second day we were in Kauai. It was the least eventful of the set because we spent much of it (a) relaxing, and (b) figuring out what the rest of the week would hold. None the less, I have deemed it blog worthy.
On day 2 we woke up and decided that we would just hang out on the beach. Last year we packed our schedule so full that we spent our final days wishing we had swam more and sat on the beach with books in hand. We didn't want the same regret this year (but strangely--ended up with it).
I spent the morning making phone calls: Helicopter company (what? you want our weights? let me go in another room to tell you that....), Catamaran company, Hindu Temple (tours booked 'till late August? sad panda...), local garden, and resort spa. After throwing down a ton of money to hold reservations, we showered and grabbed coffee @ the resort. So began day 1 of my island conviction: "I'm drinking a coconut mocha every single day that we're here."
By the way, I gained somewhere between 3-4 lbs on this vacay. Good thing I had lost over 10 before going on it...
We headed to Hanalei from Princeville to rent snorkel gear before hitting the beach. Paul, my friend's husband, made his position of refusal to ride in my Jeep known to all ("she's going to tip it, those things aren't safe...") and so we took 2 cars. I somehow convinced my friend to ride in the Jeep. She struggled to get in--in the most unlady-like fashion. There were underwear and arms, and there was laughter and shame at modesty foregone. Kat is probably one of the most modest people I know, and so it became my mission to get her to ride in the Jeep as much as possible. Last year it was my mission to get her to pee in the ocean...she had gone her entire life without urinating in open water (who does that)??
We got to Hanalei and believed that the boys (save my fiance, who was with us) would follow us into the parking lot. They didn't. We later discovered that they had followed another white Jeep, and that Paul had spent the trip marveling at how safely I was driving until he watched the Jeep park and observed an overweight and rather burly man in his early-50's got out.
We rented snorkel gear and PS bought an incredible "tourist hat" for our hike (Napali coastline) later in the week. Then off we went to Tunnel's Beach for our first snorkling adventure of the trip.
We couldn't swim without first having Shave Ice at the stand...I opted for Coconut and Passion Fruit, PS went for the banana coconut smoothie. We all sat in the shade and watched tanned tourists of all sizes mozey by.
(The sun through palm trees at Tunnels Beach)
The beach was beautiful but there were "high tide--danger" signs everywhere. I recklessly jumped in and swam out until the waves weren't pushing me around so violently. I looked back to see that the rest of my party had abandoned the quest, so I decided to just stay out for a few minutes...or until I saw a turtle.
30-45 minutes and 1 turtle later I returned to a party who were reportedly "starving to death" and very bored. They asked if I had found Atlantis and insisted that we come back to the beach when the wind was down and visibility was better. Admittidly, it was the worst visibility I've ever encountered at Tunnels.
We headed back to Hanalei where we made our first of 2 stops at Tahiti Nui to eat what all of us have determined is the Best Pizza We've Ever Had. EVER. Fresh pineapple, sweet and smoky ham, a sweet crust dripping with flavorful sauce and cheese that melts and slips around (as opposed to whatever stationary cheese product it is that they put on pizza's these days). We chased it with Mai Tai's and Passion Fruit Martinis before heading back to the resort.
I don't remember what we did that first night...chances is that it was Carcassone on the 2 I-pads & smart-phone, followed by swimming. That was the routine for much of the trip. I do remember that we all went to bed relatively "early" so that we could be refreshed for our helicopter tour the next day. And that we slept like babies.
On day 2 we woke up and decided that we would just hang out on the beach. Last year we packed our schedule so full that we spent our final days wishing we had swam more and sat on the beach with books in hand. We didn't want the same regret this year (but strangely--ended up with it).
I spent the morning making phone calls: Helicopter company (what? you want our weights? let me go in another room to tell you that....), Catamaran company, Hindu Temple (tours booked 'till late August? sad panda...), local garden, and resort spa. After throwing down a ton of money to hold reservations, we showered and grabbed coffee @ the resort. So began day 1 of my island conviction: "I'm drinking a coconut mocha every single day that we're here."
By the way, I gained somewhere between 3-4 lbs on this vacay. Good thing I had lost over 10 before going on it...
We headed to Hanalei from Princeville to rent snorkel gear before hitting the beach. Paul, my friend's husband, made his position of refusal to ride in my Jeep known to all ("she's going to tip it, those things aren't safe...") and so we took 2 cars. I somehow convinced my friend to ride in the Jeep. She struggled to get in--in the most unlady-like fashion. There were underwear and arms, and there was laughter and shame at modesty foregone. Kat is probably one of the most modest people I know, and so it became my mission to get her to ride in the Jeep as much as possible. Last year it was my mission to get her to pee in the ocean...she had gone her entire life without urinating in open water (who does that)??
We got to Hanalei and believed that the boys (save my fiance, who was with us) would follow us into the parking lot. They didn't. We later discovered that they had followed another white Jeep, and that Paul had spent the trip marveling at how safely I was driving until he watched the Jeep park and observed an overweight and rather burly man in his early-50's got out.
We rented snorkel gear and PS bought an incredible "tourist hat" for our hike (Napali coastline) later in the week. Then off we went to Tunnel's Beach for our first snorkling adventure of the trip.
We couldn't swim without first having Shave Ice at the stand...I opted for Coconut and Passion Fruit, PS went for the banana coconut smoothie. We all sat in the shade and watched tanned tourists of all sizes mozey by.
(The sun through palm trees at Tunnels Beach)
The beach was beautiful but there were "high tide--danger" signs everywhere. I recklessly jumped in and swam out until the waves weren't pushing me around so violently. I looked back to see that the rest of my party had abandoned the quest, so I decided to just stay out for a few minutes...or until I saw a turtle.
30-45 minutes and 1 turtle later I returned to a party who were reportedly "starving to death" and very bored. They asked if I had found Atlantis and insisted that we come back to the beach when the wind was down and visibility was better. Admittidly, it was the worst visibility I've ever encountered at Tunnels.
We headed back to Hanalei where we made our first of 2 stops at Tahiti Nui to eat what all of us have determined is the Best Pizza We've Ever Had. EVER. Fresh pineapple, sweet and smoky ham, a sweet crust dripping with flavorful sauce and cheese that melts and slips around (as opposed to whatever stationary cheese product it is that they put on pizza's these days). We chased it with Mai Tai's and Passion Fruit Martinis before heading back to the resort.
I don't remember what we did that first night...chances is that it was Carcassone on the 2 I-pads & smart-phone, followed by swimming. That was the routine for much of the trip. I do remember that we all went to bed relatively "early" so that we could be refreshed for our helicopter tour the next day. And that we slept like babies.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Sweet Dreams?
For 2 nights during the past week I've dreamed about losing my wallet. Not necessarily losing it, even--having it taken by people that I know and trust. My dreams are always fairly transparent that way. I'm fairly certain that it's a reflection of my angst over being back on 6-month review. If I make it through 6 months with a happy boss, I'm in my position for the long run (honestly--this shouldn't be hard...I do a great job & my employer likes me). But on the off chance that I didn't pull it off, I would be out of work.
But last night after writing my vacation diary I dreamed of Kauai.
I dreamed that I was back on the catamaran with a fine layer of salt covering my skin and that the ocean breeze was gently balancing the heat of the day on my skin. I dreamed that I was sitting on our patio--feet on the railing and drink in hand--chatting with a good friend while we watched the waves lap against the shore.
Of course, I also dreamed a few things that made no sense at all. Another friend appeared and purchased a huge catamaran...then strapped a futon to it with chains and cut off the railing to the front of the catamaran. They already had 13 people on board but asked us to join. We declined and they sped off--waves coming over the bow and the girls laughing gleefully as they crested (and lived through) each one.
I also dreamed that someone or something came to take me away from the island. I never saw its face, but I spent portions of my dream evading it. Once I hid in a small closet but we were "outed" because someone in my party was humming to keep themselves calm & "it" followed the sound. Once while working to squeak out through a window (back to the beach) I ended up in the suite of a retired couple who didn't seem to find my presence in their room strange at all. They didn't seem to understand the need to evade "it" & smiled at me in a knowing way...
Today I've brought work home from the office. Tonight I'll accompany my fiance to a drag show (he bounces). I need to get my work done before we leave for the show, so I have no further time to think about or interpret this dream. It will be shoved to the back of my consciousness.
Strangely, when I began this blog I remembered my dream only as a beautiful one (e.g., paragraph one)! As I end this blog, I'm adding a question mark to the blog title. I guess there was a fair amount of uncertainty and tension in the dream, after all. Funny that what I woke up with was a sense of bliss at having been in Kauai in my dream.
A final thought: It was so real to me that in my disoriented wakeful state I wondered if we had really gone to Kauai this year, or if it was still something I could look forward to.
But last night after writing my vacation diary I dreamed of Kauai.
I dreamed that I was back on the catamaran with a fine layer of salt covering my skin and that the ocean breeze was gently balancing the heat of the day on my skin. I dreamed that I was sitting on our patio--feet on the railing and drink in hand--chatting with a good friend while we watched the waves lap against the shore.
Of course, I also dreamed a few things that made no sense at all. Another friend appeared and purchased a huge catamaran...then strapped a futon to it with chains and cut off the railing to the front of the catamaran. They already had 13 people on board but asked us to join. We declined and they sped off--waves coming over the bow and the girls laughing gleefully as they crested (and lived through) each one.
I also dreamed that someone or something came to take me away from the island. I never saw its face, but I spent portions of my dream evading it. Once I hid in a small closet but we were "outed" because someone in my party was humming to keep themselves calm & "it" followed the sound. Once while working to squeak out through a window (back to the beach) I ended up in the suite of a retired couple who didn't seem to find my presence in their room strange at all. They didn't seem to understand the need to evade "it" & smiled at me in a knowing way...
Today I've brought work home from the office. Tonight I'll accompany my fiance to a drag show (he bounces). I need to get my work done before we leave for the show, so I have no further time to think about or interpret this dream. It will be shoved to the back of my consciousness.
Strangely, when I began this blog I remembered my dream only as a beautiful one (e.g., paragraph one)! As I end this blog, I'm adding a question mark to the blog title. I guess there was a fair amount of uncertainty and tension in the dream, after all. Funny that what I woke up with was a sense of bliss at having been in Kauai in my dream.
A final thought: It was so real to me that in my disoriented wakeful state I wondered if we had really gone to Kauai this year, or if it was still something I could look forward to.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Vacation Diaries - Kauai Day 1
I'm doing it. A play-by-play, day-by-day review of our trip to Kauai. Skip my next 7ish blogs if you don't want to hear about it. This is totally for me. I want to savor every single memory for as long as I can.
So it begins.
We woke up in our friend's basement guest room with a warm Shiba Mo (Bella) next sandwiched between us. I was present through much of Bella's early days and consequently, she pees every time she sees me. She dropped this habit for everyone else in her life, but when I walk up to their house she just looses it. There is nothing quite like the unconditional love of a Shiba Mo.
Our party of 4 piled into a Honda Accord with a driver, 4 suitcases, and 4 carry-on's. We did not pack light and I'm sure the car was riding low. It was warm enough in Portland that our arms stuck together in the back seat, but we were on our way to Kauai so really didn't care. A quick stop at the Beaverton Bakery in the airport & we were on our way.
The flights were totally uneventful, and it was great to sit only a few rows away from our friends. When I saw a photo of the carry-on meal I started laughing so hard I cried. My fiance (PS) sat next to me making the same "throw-up" motion that our cat makes when he gags up grass. I walked up a few aisle and got the same response from our friends. One ham sandwich later and we all had gas. Thanks, Hawiian Airlines.
We made it to Kauai & parted ways to pick up our rental cars. At the rental car terminal we saw a lot of people being total assholes to the employees. We were both talking about how terrible it was that people would treat others so poorly...I think it was good karma. When we exited to pick up our car we flashed the Hawiian dude big smiles and asked him how our day was. He upgraded us immediately to the car of our choice: Some luxary sedan or a brand new 2011 soft-top Jeep Wrangler. He showed us how to flip back the roof and take off the side windows. We slipped him a $10 (hey, we're not rich, but the guy did us a huge favor) and were on our way.
Kauai isn't very big and this was our 2nd trip there in 2 years, so we know our way around. We took of from Lihue to Princeville, to settle in at the Westin. On the way we stopped at Walmart (b/c we're high-class like that) and picked up groceries for the week. We learned a few lessons last year: More practical food (breakfast items, a few dinners to BBQ) and less booze (why have it in your room when you can have great drinks w/fresh pineapple anywhere on the island)?
The 2nd part of our party was beat, so went directly to the resort. They had met our final party-member (my friend's brother) at the airport and shared a car. My fiance & I stopped at a few fruit stands on the way to the resort to pick up fresh pineapple, guava, papaya, mango, and mini bananas.
It was evening by the time we made it to the resort. Even though the time-share belongs to our friend (and her brother) they had graciously offered us the 2nd room, with her brother sleeping on the pull out couch in our common area. We unpacked and got dressed for dinner at the resort. It was my first time eating Blue Marlin and it was WONDERFUL. We ordered the first round of drinks of the trip and headed to the swimming pools and hot tubs after dinner. Then we all went to bed and slept like babies. It is impossible to not sleep well in Kauai...the place is just downright good for the soul.
So it begins.
We woke up in our friend's basement guest room with a warm Shiba Mo (Bella) next sandwiched between us. I was present through much of Bella's early days and consequently, she pees every time she sees me. She dropped this habit for everyone else in her life, but when I walk up to their house she just looses it. There is nothing quite like the unconditional love of a Shiba Mo.
Our party of 4 piled into a Honda Accord with a driver, 4 suitcases, and 4 carry-on's. We did not pack light and I'm sure the car was riding low. It was warm enough in Portland that our arms stuck together in the back seat, but we were on our way to Kauai so really didn't care. A quick stop at the Beaverton Bakery in the airport & we were on our way.
The flights were totally uneventful, and it was great to sit only a few rows away from our friends. When I saw a photo of the carry-on meal I started laughing so hard I cried. My fiance (PS) sat next to me making the same "throw-up" motion that our cat makes when he gags up grass. I walked up a few aisle and got the same response from our friends. One ham sandwich later and we all had gas. Thanks, Hawiian Airlines.
We made it to Kauai & parted ways to pick up our rental cars. At the rental car terminal we saw a lot of people being total assholes to the employees. We were both talking about how terrible it was that people would treat others so poorly...I think it was good karma. When we exited to pick up our car we flashed the Hawiian dude big smiles and asked him how our day was. He upgraded us immediately to the car of our choice: Some luxary sedan or a brand new 2011 soft-top Jeep Wrangler. He showed us how to flip back the roof and take off the side windows. We slipped him a $10 (hey, we're not rich, but the guy did us a huge favor) and were on our way.
Kauai isn't very big and this was our 2nd trip there in 2 years, so we know our way around. We took of from Lihue to Princeville, to settle in at the Westin. On the way we stopped at Walmart (b/c we're high-class like that) and picked up groceries for the week. We learned a few lessons last year: More practical food (breakfast items, a few dinners to BBQ) and less booze (why have it in your room when you can have great drinks w/fresh pineapple anywhere on the island)?
The 2nd part of our party was beat, so went directly to the resort. They had met our final party-member (my friend's brother) at the airport and shared a car. My fiance & I stopped at a few fruit stands on the way to the resort to pick up fresh pineapple, guava, papaya, mango, and mini bananas.
It was evening by the time we made it to the resort. Even though the time-share belongs to our friend (and her brother) they had graciously offered us the 2nd room, with her brother sleeping on the pull out couch in our common area. We unpacked and got dressed for dinner at the resort. It was my first time eating Blue Marlin and it was WONDERFUL. We ordered the first round of drinks of the trip and headed to the swimming pools and hot tubs after dinner. Then we all went to bed and slept like babies. It is impossible to not sleep well in Kauai...the place is just downright good for the soul.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Life Is Great
My fiance and I try to get some quality time in every day, but some days it looks like me laying in bed with him for 20 minutes before he has to go to sleep--and then returning to my living room lair for another several hours before I get tired. Our work schedules don't overlap so well...he goes to work before I'm even barely conscious.
Yesterday was his birthday. Tonight he looked at me while we were chatting and said, "You know what I was thinking today?" And I..."...what, love?" And he, "I was thinking, I am loved."
Lately that is the sentiment I've had. I've been absent in blog land for a month because I vacationed to Kauai with 3 of my favorite people (future blogs to come - I'm thinking of doing a day-by-day recount while it is still relatively fresh). I also was surprised by a visit from my best friend from college. I joined my best friend from grad school for her 30th birthday and we laughed until our faces hurt. I went to watch Brandi Carlile in concert and bumped into another friend from grad school who I haven't seen in years. She was as beautiful and fun as I remember her and I was kicking myself for getting so wrapped up in internship/postdoc that I haven't visited people I really care about.
I have been reminded over the past month how many great people I have in my life. Yesterday my fiance & I celebrated his birthday and he gushed over the gifts I purchased for him. This week I've been to Ashtanga twice and just feel so thankful that I have a healthy body that is so flexible and strong.
It's an understatement to say that I needed a vacation. It was so good for my soul. Because it was so good--I scheduled a 4-day Mindfulness/DBT conference with a friend in October. I'll also be joining her family for Thanksgiving (and hopefully mine for Christmas, perhaps staying with my best bud from undergrad). And again at an Oregon Coast beachhouse next summer. In between all of these things, I hope to pencil in all of the other people in my life who I care about. Or at least--make room in my life for them to pop by any time.
A month ago I would've told you I couldn't imagine another straight year of work. I just needed to recharge. I'm really excited for the rush of my work to begin again. A new psychologist starts at our center on Monday & she's rad. I hope that she can be my friend, even though I'm technically her boss. Oh yes, I'm a boss! This is sinking in. I'm so glad to have more diversity in my days. This week I was given paperwork for my UW clinical faculty position. Long story, but in short--SWEET.
I am loved. Life is great. That is all.
Yesterday was his birthday. Tonight he looked at me while we were chatting and said, "You know what I was thinking today?" And I..."...what, love?" And he, "I was thinking, I am loved."
Lately that is the sentiment I've had. I've been absent in blog land for a month because I vacationed to Kauai with 3 of my favorite people (future blogs to come - I'm thinking of doing a day-by-day recount while it is still relatively fresh). I also was surprised by a visit from my best friend from college. I joined my best friend from grad school for her 30th birthday and we laughed until our faces hurt. I went to watch Brandi Carlile in concert and bumped into another friend from grad school who I haven't seen in years. She was as beautiful and fun as I remember her and I was kicking myself for getting so wrapped up in internship/postdoc that I haven't visited people I really care about.
I have been reminded over the past month how many great people I have in my life. Yesterday my fiance & I celebrated his birthday and he gushed over the gifts I purchased for him. This week I've been to Ashtanga twice and just feel so thankful that I have a healthy body that is so flexible and strong.
It's an understatement to say that I needed a vacation. It was so good for my soul. Because it was so good--I scheduled a 4-day Mindfulness/DBT conference with a friend in October. I'll also be joining her family for Thanksgiving (and hopefully mine for Christmas, perhaps staying with my best bud from undergrad). And again at an Oregon Coast beachhouse next summer. In between all of these things, I hope to pencil in all of the other people in my life who I care about. Or at least--make room in my life for them to pop by any time.
A month ago I would've told you I couldn't imagine another straight year of work. I just needed to recharge. I'm really excited for the rush of my work to begin again. A new psychologist starts at our center on Monday & she's rad. I hope that she can be my friend, even though I'm technically her boss. Oh yes, I'm a boss! This is sinking in. I'm so glad to have more diversity in my days. This week I was given paperwork for my UW clinical faculty position. Long story, but in short--SWEET.
I am loved. Life is great. That is all.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
A Mostly Great Weekend
This weekend we took a mini-vacation that was so awesome it had me dancing like this:
(I was asked to "dance like a white girl").
We met up with a few old friends of my fiance's and went to the shooting range. It was my first experience with an assault rifle and I LOVED it! Shooting can be incredibly therapeutic for me. The loud noise, the smell of gunpowder, the silly displays of masculinity...it adds up to a pretty great experience.
(We "found" some combat calibre armor at the range and tested it with a .556 at 100 yards).
The weekend was really only soiled at the very end, when we happened upon food poisoning (presumably at a BBQ we attended). That took us out of the game for 2 days while we thanked our decision to get a home with 2 bathrooms & napped in between episodes vomiting through the nose (and equally terrible unmentionables).
It was still worth it. I got to meet some of my fiance's high school friends, and they are great. I feel very at home with them (the inappropriate humor, cursing like sailors, etc.,) and we had a lot of fun together. Of note, I pulled out a pretty positive showing during Halo: Reach & proudly represented girl gamers for the boys.
The part that I am feeling most regretful about is that I haven't been able to do Ashtanga this week. I was sick for 2 days of practice, terribly dehydrated for 1, and will miss practice today, as well. We'll be with friends all weekend, so I will miss weekend practice, as well. Last week I was proclaiming my love of 3+ days of consecutive practice to my fiance...my body felt great and my mind felt clear. I'm hoping that I will be able to jump back in next week.
Have I mentioned how great it feels to not be so worried about work....?
(I was asked to "dance like a white girl").
We met up with a few old friends of my fiance's and went to the shooting range. It was my first experience with an assault rifle and I LOVED it! Shooting can be incredibly therapeutic for me. The loud noise, the smell of gunpowder, the silly displays of masculinity...it adds up to a pretty great experience.
(We "found" some combat calibre armor at the range and tested it with a .556 at 100 yards).
The weekend was really only soiled at the very end, when we happened upon food poisoning (presumably at a BBQ we attended). That took us out of the game for 2 days while we thanked our decision to get a home with 2 bathrooms & napped in between episodes vomiting through the nose (and equally terrible unmentionables).
It was still worth it. I got to meet some of my fiance's high school friends, and they are great. I feel very at home with them (the inappropriate humor, cursing like sailors, etc.,) and we had a lot of fun together. Of note, I pulled out a pretty positive showing during Halo: Reach & proudly represented girl gamers for the boys.
The part that I am feeling most regretful about is that I haven't been able to do Ashtanga this week. I was sick for 2 days of practice, terribly dehydrated for 1, and will miss practice today, as well. We'll be with friends all weekend, so I will miss weekend practice, as well. Last week I was proclaiming my love of 3+ days of consecutive practice to my fiance...my body felt great and my mind felt clear. I'm hoping that I will be able to jump back in next week.
Have I mentioned how great it feels to not be so worried about work....?
Thursday, June 16, 2011
More Thoughts on Success
First: This photo is bullshit.
This week I stumbled across a really great graduation speech given by the a wise sage to the 2014 graduates of Dartmouth.
Normally I wouldn't associate "wise sage" with this man's photo...but before I go any further, let me paste in what I found to be the most poignant element of his speech to these graduates:
**It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It’s not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound reinvention.
At the age of 47 after 25 yrs of obsessively pursuing my dream, that dream change. For decades in show business the ultimate goal of every comedian was to host the Tonight Show. It was the Holy Grail, and like many people I thought that achieving that goal would define me as successful. But that is not true. No specific job or career goal defines me, and it should not define you.
In 2000 I told graduates to not be afraid to fail, and I still believe that. But today I tell you that whether you fear it or not, disappointment will come. The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.
Whatever you think your dream is now, it will probably change. And that’s okay. ~Conan O'Brien**
What he said really spoke to me. For so long I have set my sights on a relatively abstract construct (income) as my measure of success. Aside from my chosen career I didn't have my sights specifically set on any role that I wanted to fill. But I really felt that anything under a certain income level would be an indicator that I had not been successful.
Since being promoted, I have heard from several people things like, "great job! At this rate you'll be (fill in the next job title up the promotion chain)." When I hear this it actually makes me a little angry and upset. Why would I want or need that job? In my mind, I've reached this success marker that I set for myself years ago.
Watching this video of Conan (as he speaks to the relentless pursual of a dream that wasn't his own) made me realize that somewhere along the line, my goal of success has changed. It isn't just money, it's lifestyle and well being. To me, a successful person is one who--at any income--can live a peaceful and harmonious existence.
I found myself feeling annoyed that I had approached "success" in such a straightforward manner...but the truth is, I believe that many people do this. We roughly define something for ourselves and then stick to it out of determination and a belief that we're on the right path. Pictures like this--and the one that I began this blog with--don't help:
One ladder climbing to the top. One road leading in the "right" direction. One finger pointing you down the "correct" path.
Success isn't so uni dimensional.
My current vision of success is one in which I can come home at the end of day and leave work at work. Success is taking care of my physical and emotional health, and being present in the lives of the people I love. Success is being able to live in the present moment and experience everything that life offers (rather than rolling in the good or drudging through the "bad"). And as I continue to evolve, so will my definition of success.
The most valuable thing that I took from this speech was that I alone am responsible for creating and redefining goals in my life--and that they will change. The views of others regarding what constitutes "success" can't matter to me, because they likely do not represent my values or my place of personal development.
That was a lot of rambling...but it left me feeling a little better.
This week I stumbled across a really great graduation speech given by the a wise sage to the 2014 graduates of Dartmouth.
Normally I wouldn't associate "wise sage" with this man's photo...but before I go any further, let me paste in what I found to be the most poignant element of his speech to these graduates:
**It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It’s not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound reinvention.
At the age of 47 after 25 yrs of obsessively pursuing my dream, that dream change. For decades in show business the ultimate goal of every comedian was to host the Tonight Show. It was the Holy Grail, and like many people I thought that achieving that goal would define me as successful. But that is not true. No specific job or career goal defines me, and it should not define you.
In 2000 I told graduates to not be afraid to fail, and I still believe that. But today I tell you that whether you fear it or not, disappointment will come. The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.
Whatever you think your dream is now, it will probably change. And that’s okay. ~Conan O'Brien**
What he said really spoke to me. For so long I have set my sights on a relatively abstract construct (income) as my measure of success. Aside from my chosen career I didn't have my sights specifically set on any role that I wanted to fill. But I really felt that anything under a certain income level would be an indicator that I had not been successful.
Since being promoted, I have heard from several people things like, "great job! At this rate you'll be (fill in the next job title up the promotion chain)." When I hear this it actually makes me a little angry and upset. Why would I want or need that job? In my mind, I've reached this success marker that I set for myself years ago.
Watching this video of Conan (as he speaks to the relentless pursual of a dream that wasn't his own) made me realize that somewhere along the line, my goal of success has changed. It isn't just money, it's lifestyle and well being. To me, a successful person is one who--at any income--can live a peaceful and harmonious existence.
I found myself feeling annoyed that I had approached "success" in such a straightforward manner...but the truth is, I believe that many people do this. We roughly define something for ourselves and then stick to it out of determination and a belief that we're on the right path. Pictures like this--and the one that I began this blog with--don't help:
One ladder climbing to the top. One road leading in the "right" direction. One finger pointing you down the "correct" path.
Success isn't so uni dimensional.
My current vision of success is one in which I can come home at the end of day and leave work at work. Success is taking care of my physical and emotional health, and being present in the lives of the people I love. Success is being able to live in the present moment and experience everything that life offers (rather than rolling in the good or drudging through the "bad"). And as I continue to evolve, so will my definition of success.
The most valuable thing that I took from this speech was that I alone am responsible for creating and redefining goals in my life--and that they will change. The views of others regarding what constitutes "success" can't matter to me, because they likely do not represent my values or my place of personal development.
That was a lot of rambling...but it left me feeling a little better.
Monday, June 13, 2011
We're ready for summer!
With my promotion wrapped up and endless hours of prepping for that (and worrying about it) freed up, I turned my attention to creating a serene "back yard" that we could enjoy throughout the summer. Quotes because we have no grass back there, only a garden and patio area.
Thanks to the recent additions of a Weber barbecue and an umbrella for our patio set (thanks Mom & Dad!) it is looking pretty awesome. This weekend we marinated chicken and had grilled chicken salads. It is so nice to not heat up the house with cooking. The grill will pay for itself in no time with how much we'll save on not eating out.
Cherry tomatoes, flowers, basil (soon), and strawberries:
A mint take-over!! I need to transplant before it chokes out all of my flowers.
Thanks to the recent additions of a Weber barbecue and an umbrella for our patio set (thanks Mom & Dad!) it is looking pretty awesome. This weekend we marinated chicken and had grilled chicken salads. It is so nice to not heat up the house with cooking. The grill will pay for itself in no time with how much we'll save on not eating out.
Cherry tomatoes, flowers, basil (soon), and strawberries:
A mint take-over!! I need to transplant before it chokes out all of my flowers.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
That's it. I'm insane.
"The very definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results." ~Philip Mangano
Yesterday I drank a diet coke at lunch & didn't fall asleep until midnight. Today I drank a split shot latte. Last week I had 2 double lattes. Once to intentionally fuel a cleaning spree. My heart raced as I laid in bed cursing my poor decision making.
All of these experiences have had 2 consistent results: Insomnia & mild tremor. Every time I think, "Must have been a fluke!"
I hope that it's not permanent, but I seem to have completely lost my ability to tolerate caffeine. Perhaps since I began drinking coffee at age 5 or so, and was completely dependent for at least 10 years of my life, I have just burnt out my poor receptors. Or maybe I have too much going on in my life right now & don't need a stimulant. That is far too rational of an explanation.
Decaf really does taste awful...and I gave up alcohol 1 month ago. What is a girl to do??
Yesterday I drank a diet coke at lunch & didn't fall asleep until midnight. Today I drank a split shot latte. Last week I had 2 double lattes. Once to intentionally fuel a cleaning spree. My heart raced as I laid in bed cursing my poor decision making.
All of these experiences have had 2 consistent results: Insomnia & mild tremor. Every time I think, "Must have been a fluke!"
I hope that it's not permanent, but I seem to have completely lost my ability to tolerate caffeine. Perhaps since I began drinking coffee at age 5 or so, and was completely dependent for at least 10 years of my life, I have just burnt out my poor receptors. Or maybe I have too much going on in my life right now & don't need a stimulant. That is far too rational of an explanation.
Decaf really does taste awful...and I gave up alcohol 1 month ago. What is a girl to do??
Friday, May 20, 2011
Thoughts on Success
"The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure." ~ Sven Goran Eriksson
I applied for huge promotion a month ago, and was selected for the job a few weeks ago. I have known about this (potential) promotion for the better part of a year, but was scared to speak of it online dare I curse it. I found myself battling this crippling fear of failure. What if I applied--in the place I worked--and was interviewed by all of my colleagues and not selected? I would be embarrassed. I would have to face these people and shrug it off, and then I would have to meet my new boss and be okay with knowing they had the position I wanted? Ouch. When people reassured me with comments such as, "Seriously, even applying is huge. You're 29 & nobody would expect you to be an administrator yet," I felt comforted only for short periods of time.
My poor fiance has heard enough talk around this to last a lifetime.
Long story short: Facing possible rejection threw my delicately balanced sense of equilibrium out of whack. Anyone who has been reading my humble blog for the past few months, or who has any sort of personal relationship to me can attest to this. I honestly considered--really considered--pulling my application out. Friends and my fiance had to talk sense into me, "Wait and see what happens, you don't know the outcome, we have a good feeling about this, if you decide you don't want it you can turn it down."
Needless to say, I'm happy that I didn't pull my application. I almost stood in the way of my own success in a very big way. This isn't uncommon for educated women (See Clance's research on Imposter Phenomenon- http://paulineroseclance.com/pdf/ip_high_achieving_women.pdf from the 1970's for background, or flip through popular media stories to hear famous and brilliant women speak of the fear they experienced before landing a "big break"). I do think it is something I need to work through.
Our culture programs us to reject failure. We are raised in a structured and supervised world in which we take report cards back to mom and dad, and try to please our teachers. One only needs to look as far as a college student weeping over their first "C" grade to comprehend the possible negative consequence of this well-intended norm of our highly individualized culture. If one's self-worth is based primarily on external validation of my intelligence or attractiveness or any other "measurable" quality, there is an incredible risk to the challenge of this self-worth when other's don't provide positive feedback. Even though this feedback is often subjective in nature, years of programming teach us to give it weight and credibility.
Call me crazy, but that doesn't sound like a great way to live. I would rather move toward an internal locus of control and grounded self-concept.
We are taught to "reach for the stars," but this abstraction is just that. Reach for the stars and.....all of your dreams will come true? Or maybe you will miss, but you will have grown from the process. Or maybe you will miss and you will be truly devastated. Shaken to your core. But you'll get through it eventually. People don't like to talk about those possibilities.
For every high there is a low, and that is just a fact of life. For as much success I have experienced in my career to date, I have experienced an equal amount of disappointment. From these disappointments I have grown. It hasn't been easy, but it has been beautiful. Like a teenager coming to terms with their changing body I have at times felt clumsy or lost before feeling grounded, capable, and at peace.
What I know is this: A life lived in fear is a life half lived. The most fulfilling things in my life have been preceded by fear. Relationships, hobbies, academic and career pursuits. In each one I have to fight the voice in the back of my head that threatens to pull myself out of the race.
As I move into the summer and my new position, I am drawn toward a goal of hearing my "fearful" inner voice and gently & mindfully moving past it. Sort of a, "Oh, there you are. I knew you'd be there to remind me that this could go terribly wrong. Thanks for that...but honestly, things have been pretty much okay and even when they aren't...I am."
To guide this venture, I am going to set my eyes on the message of Akhilandeshvari, the Hindu Goddess of Never Not Broken. She derives her power from embracing change and the flux that is life. Riding a crocodile (representing fear) she doesn't reject fear or let it control her. She instead navigates rivers and land (life) atop this fear. (For more on this: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/why-being-broken-in-a-pile-on-your-bedroom-floor-is-a-good-idea--julie-jc-peters/).
That is a message I can get behind.
I applied for huge promotion a month ago, and was selected for the job a few weeks ago. I have known about this (potential) promotion for the better part of a year, but was scared to speak of it online dare I curse it. I found myself battling this crippling fear of failure. What if I applied--in the place I worked--and was interviewed by all of my colleagues and not selected? I would be embarrassed. I would have to face these people and shrug it off, and then I would have to meet my new boss and be okay with knowing they had the position I wanted? Ouch. When people reassured me with comments such as, "Seriously, even applying is huge. You're 29 & nobody would expect you to be an administrator yet," I felt comforted only for short periods of time.
My poor fiance has heard enough talk around this to last a lifetime.
Long story short: Facing possible rejection threw my delicately balanced sense of equilibrium out of whack. Anyone who has been reading my humble blog for the past few months, or who has any sort of personal relationship to me can attest to this. I honestly considered--really considered--pulling my application out. Friends and my fiance had to talk sense into me, "Wait and see what happens, you don't know the outcome, we have a good feeling about this, if you decide you don't want it you can turn it down."
Needless to say, I'm happy that I didn't pull my application. I almost stood in the way of my own success in a very big way. This isn't uncommon for educated women (See Clance's research on Imposter Phenomenon- http://paulineroseclance.com/pdf/ip_high_achieving_women.pdf from the 1970's for background, or flip through popular media stories to hear famous and brilliant women speak of the fear they experienced before landing a "big break"). I do think it is something I need to work through.
Our culture programs us to reject failure. We are raised in a structured and supervised world in which we take report cards back to mom and dad, and try to please our teachers. One only needs to look as far as a college student weeping over their first "C" grade to comprehend the possible negative consequence of this well-intended norm of our highly individualized culture. If one's self-worth is based primarily on external validation of my intelligence or attractiveness or any other "measurable" quality, there is an incredible risk to the challenge of this self-worth when other's don't provide positive feedback. Even though this feedback is often subjective in nature, years of programming teach us to give it weight and credibility.
Call me crazy, but that doesn't sound like a great way to live. I would rather move toward an internal locus of control and grounded self-concept.
We are taught to "reach for the stars," but this abstraction is just that. Reach for the stars and.....all of your dreams will come true? Or maybe you will miss, but you will have grown from the process. Or maybe you will miss and you will be truly devastated. Shaken to your core. But you'll get through it eventually. People don't like to talk about those possibilities.
For every high there is a low, and that is just a fact of life. For as much success I have experienced in my career to date, I have experienced an equal amount of disappointment. From these disappointments I have grown. It hasn't been easy, but it has been beautiful. Like a teenager coming to terms with their changing body I have at times felt clumsy or lost before feeling grounded, capable, and at peace.
What I know is this: A life lived in fear is a life half lived. The most fulfilling things in my life have been preceded by fear. Relationships, hobbies, academic and career pursuits. In each one I have to fight the voice in the back of my head that threatens to pull myself out of the race.
As I move into the summer and my new position, I am drawn toward a goal of hearing my "fearful" inner voice and gently & mindfully moving past it. Sort of a, "Oh, there you are. I knew you'd be there to remind me that this could go terribly wrong. Thanks for that...but honestly, things have been pretty much okay and even when they aren't...I am."
To guide this venture, I am going to set my eyes on the message of Akhilandeshvari, the Hindu Goddess of Never Not Broken. She derives her power from embracing change and the flux that is life. Riding a crocodile (representing fear) she doesn't reject fear or let it control her. She instead navigates rivers and land (life) atop this fear. (For more on this: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/why-being-broken-in-a-pile-on-your-bedroom-floor-is-a-good-idea--julie-jc-peters/).
That is a message I can get behind.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Breathing More
Today I got an e-mail from my mom that said "Breathe More" in the subject line. In the e-mail body was my blog address.
I initially neglected my blog intentionally because I didn't want to write about things that were bumming me out. Then it just slipped my mind...I nearly forgot I had a blog (even though I've been thinking in the past week: "I should really journal more").
I suppose it comes down to not wanting to be vulnerable anywhere, including the internet. This isn't an entirely private blog, after all, so I put on a brave face even here. Basically, to sum up my absence: The past month has sucked.
God or the universe (or both) have given me a wake-up call. This call let me know that I need to start taking care of my body and mind and spirit--even more than I had been. Sporadic (2-3 weekly) yoga just wasn't going to hack it. I've lost 6 pounds in 2 weeks because of stress. My body has been completely fired up for weeks. I'm frustrated with how hard I am having to work at calming it down (and my mind along with it).
In the past few days I've had some success (chilling out) thanks to John Kabat-Zinn's Mindfulness Meditation CD's, and a return to my yoga studio after a 4-week hiatius. I fixed the "coffee crazy" because I totally eliminated caffeine from my diet. I've added Melatonin and a semi-regular early bedtime into my day. I met with a doctor--finally--and established patient care in this town I've lived in for 10 months.
I don't want to get into the main "causal factors" (yes, I have analyzed the hell out of this). But one thing that this has really highlighted for me--in addition to the need for self-care--is the need for community. We are having a REALLY hard time finding people to hang out with in this town. I love spending my evenings with my fiance, but not having close friends is very hard. The last time I moved I immediately became great friends with my neighbor and his entire network of friends. I also became close friends with several co-workers. Neither of these methods (neighbors, co-workers) have panned out here. My co-workers are older and settled with children. My neighbors seem indifferent. Most people our age have children, and that seems to be inhibiting forming relationships (I'm cool with being around kids--but young families are busy)! We don't have access to and/or don't connect with adults who are much younger than us.
We've joined a social group (game group, totally nerdy but we love it) and have attended regularly. It has been a slow process and some members are warming to us, but to date I am the only female member of the group. The other women stay home with the children.
Ack. This is why I don't blog lately. I don't want to throw a pity-party. I know that eventually with repeated contact we will make some friends. I know that the more I take care of my body and mind and spirit, the more productive and healthy I will feel. But these things take time and I'm very impatient.
In the meantime, I rely on my perfect drug (the photo is terrible, but it is Kabat-Zinn's CD set):
I think this will need to be more lifestyle change than fad-healthy-living-spree. This putting myself behind everything has been going on long enough (college, grad school, internship, postdoc, job). It's time to shift my priorities.
I initially neglected my blog intentionally because I didn't want to write about things that were bumming me out. Then it just slipped my mind...I nearly forgot I had a blog (even though I've been thinking in the past week: "I should really journal more").
I suppose it comes down to not wanting to be vulnerable anywhere, including the internet. This isn't an entirely private blog, after all, so I put on a brave face even here. Basically, to sum up my absence: The past month has sucked.
God or the universe (or both) have given me a wake-up call. This call let me know that I need to start taking care of my body and mind and spirit--even more than I had been. Sporadic (2-3 weekly) yoga just wasn't going to hack it. I've lost 6 pounds in 2 weeks because of stress. My body has been completely fired up for weeks. I'm frustrated with how hard I am having to work at calming it down (and my mind along with it).
In the past few days I've had some success (chilling out) thanks to John Kabat-Zinn's Mindfulness Meditation CD's, and a return to my yoga studio after a 4-week hiatius. I fixed the "coffee crazy" because I totally eliminated caffeine from my diet. I've added Melatonin and a semi-regular early bedtime into my day. I met with a doctor--finally--and established patient care in this town I've lived in for 10 months.
I don't want to get into the main "causal factors" (yes, I have analyzed the hell out of this). But one thing that this has really highlighted for me--in addition to the need for self-care--is the need for community. We are having a REALLY hard time finding people to hang out with in this town. I love spending my evenings with my fiance, but not having close friends is very hard. The last time I moved I immediately became great friends with my neighbor and his entire network of friends. I also became close friends with several co-workers. Neither of these methods (neighbors, co-workers) have panned out here. My co-workers are older and settled with children. My neighbors seem indifferent. Most people our age have children, and that seems to be inhibiting forming relationships (I'm cool with being around kids--but young families are busy)! We don't have access to and/or don't connect with adults who are much younger than us.
We've joined a social group (game group, totally nerdy but we love it) and have attended regularly. It has been a slow process and some members are warming to us, but to date I am the only female member of the group. The other women stay home with the children.
Ack. This is why I don't blog lately. I don't want to throw a pity-party. I know that eventually with repeated contact we will make some friends. I know that the more I take care of my body and mind and spirit, the more productive and healthy I will feel. But these things take time and I'm very impatient.
In the meantime, I rely on my perfect drug (the photo is terrible, but it is Kabat-Zinn's CD set):
I think this will need to be more lifestyle change than fad-healthy-living-spree. This putting myself behind everything has been going on long enough (college, grad school, internship, postdoc, job). It's time to shift my priorities.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Gratitude Revisited
It's incredible what a difference 12 hours (or so?) makes. My future mother-in-law is tucked away upstairs in a freshly made bed with a beautiful boquet of flowers next to it. And on the other side of today, I am able to identify this:
I'm thankful that I had the opportunity to get to know my future mother-in-law today. I have never chatted with her for more than 10 minutes despite having loved her son for 2 years.
I'm thankful that my future mother-in-law is not allergic to flowers.
I'm thankful that I have friends who promote self-care, getting away from it all, and in general remind me that I need to remember that there's more to life than work.
And finally...
I'm grateful that I have the financial means to be able to say, "fuck it--I need a break and I'm flying to Montana." In a few weeks I will be with my family.
I'm thankful that I had the opportunity to get to know my future mother-in-law today. I have never chatted with her for more than 10 minutes despite having loved her son for 2 years.
I'm thankful that my future mother-in-law is not allergic to flowers.
I'm thankful that I have friends who promote self-care, getting away from it all, and in general remind me that I need to remember that there's more to life than work.
And finally...
I'm grateful that I have the financial means to be able to say, "fuck it--I need a break and I'm flying to Montana." In a few weeks I will be with my family.
Thankfulness: Fail.
My experiment failed. On day 2 I thought, "I'll do 2 tomorrow." On Day 3 I though, "It has been a rough day and I need to prepare for weekend company, this can wait." Thankfulness experiment: fail.
I have had the worst week at my job since moving here and beginning work. It has been nothing short of terrible. The anxiety, frustration, and anger float around the office & threaten to attach themselves to anything that stands still. I was trying to combat it in a very "positive psychology" manner, but to be honest, my heart just wasn't in the right space for that. I am angry that people act this way. I try to do yoga and let go of my anger, but I am frustrated that even as I work to remain calm people will continue to hurl anger and frustration toward me in an abusive fashion and I will have to take it like a grown-up.
Mostly it makes me sad, because I typically love my work.
I guess I have nothing more to say. I don't want my blog to become a place where I bitch about everything, because I know that isn't healthy. But I have found that the positive psych thing felt fake this week. Maybe I'll give it a run another time.
I have had the worst week at my job since moving here and beginning work. It has been nothing short of terrible. The anxiety, frustration, and anger float around the office & threaten to attach themselves to anything that stands still. I was trying to combat it in a very "positive psychology" manner, but to be honest, my heart just wasn't in the right space for that. I am angry that people act this way. I try to do yoga and let go of my anger, but I am frustrated that even as I work to remain calm people will continue to hurl anger and frustration toward me in an abusive fashion and I will have to take it like a grown-up.
Mostly it makes me sad, because I typically love my work.
I guess I have nothing more to say. I don't want my blog to become a place where I bitch about everything, because I know that isn't healthy. But I have found that the positive psych thing felt fake this week. Maybe I'll give it a run another time.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
21 Days of Gratitude Experiment - Day 1
I have been reading a lot about the transformative power of writing down an expression of gratitude on a regular basis. One author advocates for 21 days of gratitude: for around 5 minutes a day, sit and reflect on things that you are grateful for.
Today?
I am grateful that my commute to and from work was uneventful.
I am grateful to live in the home that I do - it is so accessible & the perfect size.
I am grateful for a quiet neighborhood, and a quiet next-door duplex resident
I am grateful for friends who are available when I need a listening ear.
I am grateful for a cat with a strong personality.
That list probably took more than 5 minutes. I wasn't looking for things to be grateful for today, and I spent a good portion of the day feeling out of sorts. Here's hoping tomorrow's list comes a little quicker....
Today?
I am grateful that my commute to and from work was uneventful.
I am grateful to live in the home that I do - it is so accessible & the perfect size.
I am grateful for a quiet neighborhood, and a quiet next-door duplex resident
I am grateful for friends who are available when I need a listening ear.
I am grateful for a cat with a strong personality.
That list probably took more than 5 minutes. I wasn't looking for things to be grateful for today, and I spent a good portion of the day feeling out of sorts. Here's hoping tomorrow's list comes a little quicker....
Friday, March 25, 2011
A Yoga Miracle
Last Thursday after yoga a woman approached me with a request for a "yoga support buddy." We had been in our intro class together (back in October) but she was forced to take a break for a little over a month on the request of her physical therapist. She was happy to see a familiar face. There is enough variety in class times and type, and in traffic at the studio that it isn't uncommon to recognize but not "know" anybody.
Just that morning I had been telling a coworker that this is the least friendly city I've lived in for the past decade. I've tried to be friendly, but I don't get much back. In my last hometown my neighbor became one of my best friends. Prior to that (Beaverton OR) my neighbor gifted me with brand new moving boxes when she found out I was short on funds and let me know they would miss both myself and my friendly cat. And prior to that (Washougal WA) my neighbor invited me over to make gingerbread houses with she and her 5-year-old granddaughter. But it's not just my neighbors in this city, it seems like it's everyone I've come across. This is a very insular town with many native residents who have their established groups of friends and don't seem interested in expanding. Especially if you're not really into hanging out at bars.
Yoga is such a personal practice that I never considered the possibility of making friends at the shala. In fact, as I was walking away with this woman's number the feeling of joy I had ("OH YAY! A FRIEND!") quickly wore off and was replaced by: "Oh God, is she going to expect to talk before and after class? Is she going to want to be in all the same classes?" But the truth is that I have really come to love Ashtanga, and it might be really nice to have a friend who is invested in the practice, as well. Here is hoping that she's not a loony toon.
Just that morning I had been telling a coworker that this is the least friendly city I've lived in for the past decade. I've tried to be friendly, but I don't get much back. In my last hometown my neighbor became one of my best friends. Prior to that (Beaverton OR) my neighbor gifted me with brand new moving boxes when she found out I was short on funds and let me know they would miss both myself and my friendly cat. And prior to that (Washougal WA) my neighbor invited me over to make gingerbread houses with she and her 5-year-old granddaughter. But it's not just my neighbors in this city, it seems like it's everyone I've come across. This is a very insular town with many native residents who have their established groups of friends and don't seem interested in expanding. Especially if you're not really into hanging out at bars.
Yoga is such a personal practice that I never considered the possibility of making friends at the shala. In fact, as I was walking away with this woman's number the feeling of joy I had ("OH YAY! A FRIEND!") quickly wore off and was replaced by: "Oh God, is she going to expect to talk before and after class? Is she going to want to be in all the same classes?" But the truth is that I have really come to love Ashtanga, and it might be really nice to have a friend who is invested in the practice, as well. Here is hoping that she's not a loony toon.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Living for Weekends
As always, I have many a thought swirling around and have been thinking all weekend about blogging. But what is most on my mind is something I'm not "inspired" about, but rather something I'm feeling guilty about. It is: I live for the weekends.
I work at a job every day where we talk about "finding your passion." I'm surrounded by this idea...and feel a lot of pressure to prove that I've found my passion. It seems that others are convinced that one has found their passion when (A) They see that you're working more (e.g., more hours), and (B) that you're produce more (e.g., projects or other things with tangible results). But see, this seems like a problem. Picking apart this statement we can see that some blue-collar values (working long hours and having something to show for it) have snuck into this picture.
I really like my job on most days. I can't say it enough. Although I DON'T love office politics, and believe that they exist in every agency, I do love clinical work. That said, here are things that I love equally, and in some cases, even more:
Spending time with my fiance
Walking my cat
Practicing Ashtanga Yoga, running
Keeping a home (clean, beautiful, welcoming)
Traveling to new and exciting (or old and familiar) places
Catching up with family
Visiting with friends
Cooking and baking
Reading fiction
Playing piano
Memory keeping (photo albums, journals, scrapbooks)
Time outdoors (fishing, swimming, hiking)
Meditation
I could probably write a much longer list, however, it is late and I have been sick all weekend long. That means that since Friday night I have been primarily sitting on my couch and/or sleeping. I am still sick and am fretting about whether to call in tomorrow and have my appointments for the day cancelled.
I feel ripped off. I spent a great portion of last week looking forward to the weekend, and then I spent the weekend sick.
This whole work/life balance thing just seems to be eluding me. I work for it, think I've found it, settle into it, and then someone at work challenges me to take on evening responsibilities that are outside my job description and challenges my commitment to my work (direct quote: "Well, I can understand if you're not passionate about working with X group of students") when I politely decline in the interest of maintain said work/life balance. Any feeling of homeostasis that I had for half a second flies out the window and I'm back to square one. It lends to this feeling of "making it through the week" in order to get to the weekend, rather than really being present with my experiences of the week. I'm clearly not satisfied with it (as evidenced by blogging about work on what? Yes, a weekend).
What I can change: My attitude, my approach.
What I can't change: Well, basically everything else.
As I write this I'm realizing that part of my "attitude" change may be simply not allowing myself to be phased by any attempts to attack my work ethic. It is a sneaky tactic. I am willing to bet that it is highly effective with many people.
Other ideas? Or does everyone else live for the weekends, too? I've shared this experience with a number of girlfriends who are also psychologists, and they have expressed similar feelings ("oh yeah, my job is great but every day I'm just counting down 'till the weekend"). I mean, this is my first "official" job. This is my first time with ZERO vacation days for an entire year. Is this simply adult life? Do I just need a vacation?
I work at a job every day where we talk about "finding your passion." I'm surrounded by this idea...and feel a lot of pressure to prove that I've found my passion. It seems that others are convinced that one has found their passion when (A) They see that you're working more (e.g., more hours), and (B) that you're produce more (e.g., projects or other things with tangible results). But see, this seems like a problem. Picking apart this statement we can see that some blue-collar values (working long hours and having something to show for it) have snuck into this picture.
I really like my job on most days. I can't say it enough. Although I DON'T love office politics, and believe that they exist in every agency, I do love clinical work. That said, here are things that I love equally, and in some cases, even more:
Spending time with my fiance
Walking my cat
Practicing Ashtanga Yoga, running
Keeping a home (clean, beautiful, welcoming)
Traveling to new and exciting (or old and familiar) places
Catching up with family
Visiting with friends
Cooking and baking
Reading fiction
Playing piano
Memory keeping (photo albums, journals, scrapbooks)
Time outdoors (fishing, swimming, hiking)
Meditation
I could probably write a much longer list, however, it is late and I have been sick all weekend long. That means that since Friday night I have been primarily sitting on my couch and/or sleeping. I am still sick and am fretting about whether to call in tomorrow and have my appointments for the day cancelled.
I feel ripped off. I spent a great portion of last week looking forward to the weekend, and then I spent the weekend sick.
This whole work/life balance thing just seems to be eluding me. I work for it, think I've found it, settle into it, and then someone at work challenges me to take on evening responsibilities that are outside my job description and challenges my commitment to my work (direct quote: "Well, I can understand if you're not passionate about working with X group of students") when I politely decline in the interest of maintain said work/life balance. Any feeling of homeostasis that I had for half a second flies out the window and I'm back to square one. It lends to this feeling of "making it through the week" in order to get to the weekend, rather than really being present with my experiences of the week. I'm clearly not satisfied with it (as evidenced by blogging about work on what? Yes, a weekend).
What I can change: My attitude, my approach.
What I can't change: Well, basically everything else.
As I write this I'm realizing that part of my "attitude" change may be simply not allowing myself to be phased by any attempts to attack my work ethic. It is a sneaky tactic. I am willing to bet that it is highly effective with many people.
Other ideas? Or does everyone else live for the weekends, too? I've shared this experience with a number of girlfriends who are also psychologists, and they have expressed similar feelings ("oh yeah, my job is great but every day I'm just counting down 'till the weekend"). I mean, this is my first "official" job. This is my first time with ZERO vacation days for an entire year. Is this simply adult life? Do I just need a vacation?
Friday, March 11, 2011
Thank God for Nerds
I grew up in a small, conservative town of 3,000. I couldn't tell you what my family's "class" was at that point (most Americans inaccurately describe themselves as "middle class" when they are in fact above or below). What I can tell you is that most of my clothes were from second-hand stores. We ate venison before it was in vogue because a hunting tag (if successful) was cheaper than buying beef. My mother fed us a blend of ground up cow tongue with pickled relish as a sandwich filler because this mash-up was cheaper and had more nutritional benefit than deli meats or bologna. Despite these modifications, I don't remember being bitterly cold (impressive given the sometimes -30 temperatures of Western Montana) or ever going hungry.
As a child I enjoyed make-believe and imaginative play. Despite never having the hot new toy, my parents did a most AMAZING thing that I will appreciate until the day I die: They built me a sizable shed in the back yard that was my play house. It had a true foundation, a shingled flat roof, and was wired with electricity (light, not heat). In it, they placed a hand-built "kitchen" set, a doll cradle, and a box full of antique clothing for dress-up. A poster of a unicorn hung on the wall. It was my dream haven. Located behind my haven were our duck and rabbit pens.
I had a beautiful childhood. I remember playing with sticks under the neighbors tree for hours, then reading Nancy Drew novels in my swimsuit under the shade of lilac trees. On hot days I could tinker on my piano and snack on "Mr. Freeze" Popsicles (or walk 6 blocks to the house of a friend who's mother got weekly deliveries from the Schwan's man). We couldn't afford cable television, and so I went my entire life (until college) without it.
At some point I transformed from an eccentric, articulate, reflective child into a very introverted and oddball teenager. I watched Star Trek, Tron, and a variety of rented BBC productions way before these things were cool (we did have a VCR). I probably read "too much" science fiction and fantasy, and when I switched genres it was to read biographies of famous, strong women or to nurse my (possibly excessive?) curiosity about the Holocaust. At times I preferred practicing piano to conversation with pretty much anybody. As I grew into a teen, I continued to wear second hand clothing but began to pick it myself. Not one to oppose my budding development, my mother allowed me to leave the house in things like: A fishing vest, a "Nobody's Born A Bigot" t-shirt (yes--in small-town Montana), and men's polo shirts.
I got made fun of. A lot. I clung to a belief that this was "character building."
As I moved into Jr. High I had already come into the realization that I really didn't fit in. I suppose all Jr. High School students feel this way at one point or time--but I mean, I felt it with every cell of my being. I knew what I valued and wanted in my life from a very young age, and it didn't match up with what my peers valued and wanted.
Around this time of life - in the evenings - I would put on shoes and take in a deep breath of what I can still identify as the purest mountain air that has ever entered my lungs, and I would run. I would imagine that my legs could run me far away from this place I had grown up in. I would imagine a world where people understood me and shared my interests. I would run and imagine what it would be like to achieve my goals and to visit new places & meet new people. One night after a run I sat on the porch of my parent's home and looked at the soft lights of the town beneath us. I had a vision of myself that warmed my entire being: I was dressed in black--sleek and stylish, my hair pulled back in a ponytail. I was carrying a bag with my work materials in it, and I was in a city.
I set about working toward this image. Along the way, I found nerds. I found people who loved science fiction, classical music, and video games. I found people who loved boardgames (and not just the ones your grandma played, but also Eurogames!) and role playing, ane even pinochle. I found people who took joy in playing and practicing an instrument. I found people who took pleasure in sitting for hours during the evenings and discussing coursework, current events, and politics. I found people who ate organic foods, who fought for social justice, and who believed in something larger than themselves. I found people who liked to snowboard, snowshoe, and skinny dip in glacial runoff. I found people who loved to bargain shop for quality clothing. I found people who dropped out of school to thru hike the Pacific Crest Trail. The quantity and variety of nerds that I encountered was pretty dang exhillerating.
(It didn't hurt that pioneers like Tina Fey made being a nerd "hot" during this period of time. Thanks Tina Fey!)
I remember standing in Portland, Oregon one day and waiting for the MAX. I was wearing black, my hair was up, and I was carrying an assessment kit. The memory of that night on my porch washed over me and my eyes teared as I realized that I had come out of a place where I felt as though there was no place for me and I had created my place in the world. It felt right, it felt good. I had found my family and my people. I have since moved from Portland but I continue to encounter these people, and to recreate this family. Everywhere I go I encounter people who have had similar experiences of feeling like outsiders in their hometowns, only to become high-achieving adults with a wide variety of interests and hobbies.
I love that the word "nerd" has been embraced by a group of awesome adults. It's cool to be a nerd these days. It probably means that your IQ is in the high average to superior range, and that you make a pretty rad income. I shudder to get any negative response to this comparison--but it almost seems like the transition that happened with the LGBTQ group reclaimed the label of "Queer" as a power-label.
Nerds took this:
one step further and created this:
Nerds didn't just passively accept the fact that we were different, or shamefully bow our heads as "misfits." We embraced it. Thank God for nerds.
(BTW I have been called a "fringe nerd" and actually take some offense to this. But it's true that I haven't read Dune, which as best I can tell seems to be some nerdom rite of passage....)
As a child I enjoyed make-believe and imaginative play. Despite never having the hot new toy, my parents did a most AMAZING thing that I will appreciate until the day I die: They built me a sizable shed in the back yard that was my play house. It had a true foundation, a shingled flat roof, and was wired with electricity (light, not heat). In it, they placed a hand-built "kitchen" set, a doll cradle, and a box full of antique clothing for dress-up. A poster of a unicorn hung on the wall. It was my dream haven. Located behind my haven were our duck and rabbit pens.
I had a beautiful childhood. I remember playing with sticks under the neighbors tree for hours, then reading Nancy Drew novels in my swimsuit under the shade of lilac trees. On hot days I could tinker on my piano and snack on "Mr. Freeze" Popsicles (or walk 6 blocks to the house of a friend who's mother got weekly deliveries from the Schwan's man). We couldn't afford cable television, and so I went my entire life (until college) without it.
At some point I transformed from an eccentric, articulate, reflective child into a very introverted and oddball teenager. I watched Star Trek, Tron, and a variety of rented BBC productions way before these things were cool (we did have a VCR). I probably read "too much" science fiction and fantasy, and when I switched genres it was to read biographies of famous, strong women or to nurse my (possibly excessive?) curiosity about the Holocaust. At times I preferred practicing piano to conversation with pretty much anybody. As I grew into a teen, I continued to wear second hand clothing but began to pick it myself. Not one to oppose my budding development, my mother allowed me to leave the house in things like: A fishing vest, a "Nobody's Born A Bigot" t-shirt (yes--in small-town Montana), and men's polo shirts.
I got made fun of. A lot. I clung to a belief that this was "character building."
As I moved into Jr. High I had already come into the realization that I really didn't fit in. I suppose all Jr. High School students feel this way at one point or time--but I mean, I felt it with every cell of my being. I knew what I valued and wanted in my life from a very young age, and it didn't match up with what my peers valued and wanted.
Around this time of life - in the evenings - I would put on shoes and take in a deep breath of what I can still identify as the purest mountain air that has ever entered my lungs, and I would run. I would imagine that my legs could run me far away from this place I had grown up in. I would imagine a world where people understood me and shared my interests. I would run and imagine what it would be like to achieve my goals and to visit new places & meet new people. One night after a run I sat on the porch of my parent's home and looked at the soft lights of the town beneath us. I had a vision of myself that warmed my entire being: I was dressed in black--sleek and stylish, my hair pulled back in a ponytail. I was carrying a bag with my work materials in it, and I was in a city.
I set about working toward this image. Along the way, I found nerds. I found people who loved science fiction, classical music, and video games. I found people who loved boardgames (and not just the ones your grandma played, but also Eurogames!) and role playing, ane even pinochle. I found people who took joy in playing and practicing an instrument. I found people who took pleasure in sitting for hours during the evenings and discussing coursework, current events, and politics. I found people who ate organic foods, who fought for social justice, and who believed in something larger than themselves. I found people who liked to snowboard, snowshoe, and skinny dip in glacial runoff. I found people who loved to bargain shop for quality clothing. I found people who dropped out of school to thru hike the Pacific Crest Trail. The quantity and variety of nerds that I encountered was pretty dang exhillerating.
(It didn't hurt that pioneers like Tina Fey made being a nerd "hot" during this period of time. Thanks Tina Fey!)
I remember standing in Portland, Oregon one day and waiting for the MAX. I was wearing black, my hair was up, and I was carrying an assessment kit. The memory of that night on my porch washed over me and my eyes teared as I realized that I had come out of a place where I felt as though there was no place for me and I had created my place in the world. It felt right, it felt good. I had found my family and my people. I have since moved from Portland but I continue to encounter these people, and to recreate this family. Everywhere I go I encounter people who have had similar experiences of feeling like outsiders in their hometowns, only to become high-achieving adults with a wide variety of interests and hobbies.
I love that the word "nerd" has been embraced by a group of awesome adults. It's cool to be a nerd these days. It probably means that your IQ is in the high average to superior range, and that you make a pretty rad income. I shudder to get any negative response to this comparison--but it almost seems like the transition that happened with the LGBTQ group reclaimed the label of "Queer" as a power-label.
Nerds took this:
one step further and created this:
Nerds didn't just passively accept the fact that we were different, or shamefully bow our heads as "misfits." We embraced it. Thank God for nerds.
(BTW I have been called a "fringe nerd" and actually take some offense to this. But it's true that I haven't read Dune, which as best I can tell seems to be some nerdom rite of passage....)
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Theoretical Differences
I work in college counseling. If you would have asked me 4 years ago where I envisioned myself working in 4 years I would have said, "a prison!" I love both corrections and forensic psychology (this is probably a topic for another post). If you asked me just a year ago where I envisioned myself working in the next year I would have said, "a prison, or for the U.S. Military!" (Yes--I do appreciate the irony).
Yet here I am in college counseling. I don't mean to imply that I'm disappointed in this, because it is not at all the case. In my heart I am a clinical psychologist and a generalist. You could plop me into just about any setting (hospital, college, community/non-profit agency) and I would thrive. I do find it curious that my path in life keeps diverting into college counseling.
I am the only clinical psychologist employed at my center. The other counselors here are PhD or MA/MS level counseling psychologists. I was brought in to manage the clinical cases that were challenging the scope of training of the current staff. As best I can tell, I was recruited because I had experience with serious and persistent mental illness, as well as experience in risk and crisis management (and working in primary care).
Because of the differences in training (clinical vs counseling, medical model vs developmental model), there are some major theoretical differences that pop up in my workplace. The biggest of these are differences in conceptualization of the model and mission of the center. This is a complex issue. Currently students come in and are asked if they want to be seen for career counseling or for "personal issues." There is an cautiousness around asking students whether they want to be seen for "mental health" because this implies "mental illness" and could create a level of stigma that might prevent students from seeking assistance. For me, as a provider of mental health services (I don't participate in the career counseling component at present) this is frustrating. I think: How can we work toward breaking down the stigma around mental illness if we refuse to call an apple an apple?
Also a part of this picture is the mission of the center I work in. It is to "enhance academic success" and "support the educational mission" of the university.
Consequently, recommended reading includes books like this:
An excerpt from the first pages states this: "A physician who views the work as a job and is simply interested in making a good income does not have a calling, while a garbage collector who sees the work as making the world a cleaner, healthier place could have a calling (pp.17-18)."
Oh. My. Goodness.
I get the point here. Do what you love. Find your passion and follow it. Live it, breathe it, bathe in it. But here's the rub: The book seems to interchangeably use the words "purpose," and "calling," and "vocation."
What if your vocation isn't your calling? What if you're 18 and you don't know what your passion or "purpose" is? How can anyone possibly account for the developmental changes that young adulthood will bring (that is--a career that one believes will be promising at age 18 may not feel so fulfilling at 35). What if you know what your passion is and it doesn't pay anything?
I work with students who have a passion for backpacking and shopping, but they also face a huge amount of both internal (self) and external (family, societal) pressure to demonstrate success financially. Do they follow their passion (quit school and backpack or become 'professional shoppers')--hoping that their bodies and the job market holds up? Or do they do the culturally acceptable thing and stick it out (getting a business degree and working a 9-5 job)?
This is a very real pressure that students face today. And in my university (even more than the last university I worked in), it is STRONGLY emphasized. Find your passion. Devote your life to it.
That pressure alone would be enough to alarm most college students. Now imagine a college student under that pressure who also has any of the following: An anxiety disorder. Depression. Bereavement after loss of a parent or good friend. ADHD or a Learning Disability. An Eating Disorder.
It is simply overwhelming for them. And suddenly my role within the center with very specific guidelines ("enhance academic success, support the educational mission") starts to look a lot different than the role of a counseling psychologist who engages students in career or academic counseling. It starts to look like evidence-based treatment of anxiety, depression, grief, and disordered eating. Because I just can't work with students on skills for academic success (time management, etc) when they can hardly get out of bed in the morning. It is a simple issue of hierarchy of needs (see Maslow's pyramid - pasted in). But I also believe that those students deserve as much of a chance as any other student in the university.
These theoretical differences are ones that pop up in almost every university counseling center across the U.S. Previously I (as a clinical psychologist trained in a medical model) was in a majority in my center. I am now a minority and am trying to understand the new majority (counseling, developmental model) that I am a part of. I think that we all have a great deal to learn from each other and I'm excited and hopeful about how it will turn out in 5 years or so as the student population continues to grow and the needs of these students shifts.
Here is to treating new challenges as opportunities for learning (I know--I know--I was griping about "growth edges" in the last post, but I'm a psychologist. It's my job to reframe! Sometimes it is just exhausting...)
Yet here I am in college counseling. I don't mean to imply that I'm disappointed in this, because it is not at all the case. In my heart I am a clinical psychologist and a generalist. You could plop me into just about any setting (hospital, college, community/non-profit agency) and I would thrive. I do find it curious that my path in life keeps diverting into college counseling.
I am the only clinical psychologist employed at my center. The other counselors here are PhD or MA/MS level counseling psychologists. I was brought in to manage the clinical cases that were challenging the scope of training of the current staff. As best I can tell, I was recruited because I had experience with serious and persistent mental illness, as well as experience in risk and crisis management (and working in primary care).
Because of the differences in training (clinical vs counseling, medical model vs developmental model), there are some major theoretical differences that pop up in my workplace. The biggest of these are differences in conceptualization of the model and mission of the center. This is a complex issue. Currently students come in and are asked if they want to be seen for career counseling or for "personal issues." There is an cautiousness around asking students whether they want to be seen for "mental health" because this implies "mental illness" and could create a level of stigma that might prevent students from seeking assistance. For me, as a provider of mental health services (I don't participate in the career counseling component at present) this is frustrating. I think: How can we work toward breaking down the stigma around mental illness if we refuse to call an apple an apple?
Also a part of this picture is the mission of the center I work in. It is to "enhance academic success" and "support the educational mission" of the university.
Consequently, recommended reading includes books like this:
An excerpt from the first pages states this: "A physician who views the work as a job and is simply interested in making a good income does not have a calling, while a garbage collector who sees the work as making the world a cleaner, healthier place could have a calling (pp.17-18)."Oh. My. Goodness.
I get the point here. Do what you love. Find your passion and follow it. Live it, breathe it, bathe in it. But here's the rub: The book seems to interchangeably use the words "purpose," and "calling," and "vocation."
What if your vocation isn't your calling? What if you're 18 and you don't know what your passion or "purpose" is? How can anyone possibly account for the developmental changes that young adulthood will bring (that is--a career that one believes will be promising at age 18 may not feel so fulfilling at 35). What if you know what your passion is and it doesn't pay anything?
I work with students who have a passion for backpacking and shopping, but they also face a huge amount of both internal (self) and external (family, societal) pressure to demonstrate success financially. Do they follow their passion (quit school and backpack or become 'professional shoppers')--hoping that their bodies and the job market holds up? Or do they do the culturally acceptable thing and stick it out (getting a business degree and working a 9-5 job)?
This is a very real pressure that students face today. And in my university (even more than the last university I worked in), it is STRONGLY emphasized. Find your passion. Devote your life to it.
That pressure alone would be enough to alarm most college students. Now imagine a college student under that pressure who also has any of the following: An anxiety disorder. Depression. Bereavement after loss of a parent or good friend. ADHD or a Learning Disability. An Eating Disorder.
It is simply overwhelming for them. And suddenly my role within the center with very specific guidelines ("enhance academic success, support the educational mission") starts to look a lot different than the role of a counseling psychologist who engages students in career or academic counseling. It starts to look like evidence-based treatment of anxiety, depression, grief, and disordered eating. Because I just can't work with students on skills for academic success (time management, etc) when they can hardly get out of bed in the morning. It is a simple issue of hierarchy of needs (see Maslow's pyramid - pasted in). But I also believe that those students deserve as much of a chance as any other student in the university.
These theoretical differences are ones that pop up in almost every university counseling center across the U.S. Previously I (as a clinical psychologist trained in a medical model) was in a majority in my center. I am now a minority and am trying to understand the new majority (counseling, developmental model) that I am a part of. I think that we all have a great deal to learn from each other and I'm excited and hopeful about how it will turn out in 5 years or so as the student population continues to grow and the needs of these students shifts.
Here is to treating new challenges as opportunities for learning (I know--I know--I was griping about "growth edges" in the last post, but I'm a psychologist. It's my job to reframe! Sometimes it is just exhausting...)
Monday, March 7, 2011
Searching For Om
Om is not just a sound or vibration. It is not just a symbol. It is the entire cosmos, whatever we can see, touch, hear and feel. Moreover, it is all that is within our perception and all that is beyond our perception. It is the core of our very existence. If you think of Om only as a sound, a technique or a symbol of the Divine, you will miss it altogether. ..... Om is the mysterious cosmic energy that is the substratum of all the things and all the beings of the entire universe. It is an eternal song of the Divine. It is continuously resounding in silence on the background of everything that exists. ~Amit Ray, Om Chanting & Meditation
At my yoga shala we do Sanskrit call and response before our yoga practice. We typically begin the call and response with "Om," and sometimes we end our practice with "Om" (other times, we end with Kirtan music - which resonates so deep in my soul after a hard physical practice that I have actually had tears come to my eyes in Savasana). This beginning and end are powerful for me because they are marked with first anxious anticipation and excitement for the practice in front of me, and then a sense of peace and connectedness with the practice I've left behind.
The later "Om" is what I find myself searching for so often in my daily life. I'm frustrated with my tendency to slip into a neurotic frenzy (okay, it's not that bad--but it feels that bad when I have this expectation of myself to be all chill and Zen).
The last few weeks have been a struggle for me at work. The focus of administrators and consequently, myself, has been on my weaknesses (or as we in the psychology biz like to say-- "Growth Edges" --oh God, how do I stand it sometimes)? I had to stop myself over the weekend and take a moment to reevaluate my MANY strenghts. Seriously, there are a ton. I'm not in this profession because I got lucky, I'm in it because it was right for me and I'm really good at it.
I say this now, but when I come home each day I find myself searching for the moment I have at the end of my yoga practice in order to pull my mind away from the troubles of the day. I search in different ways: I burn the incense my studio uses for a cheap thrill of association (man I love that I can "cheat" my brain). I read and I ponder. I call friends and reflect. I go to yoga and attempt to create it--sometimes with success.
Tonight I read several things that really touched me. One was a list of meditation scripts given to me by a favorite professor in graduate school. I haven't touched them since 2007 and was happy to find them again. The other was entitled 5 Things Happy People Do, written by Gabrielle Leblanc, a writer and neuroscientist.
Although this will for an epic post make, I will post it in because I'd like to come back to it and read it again and again:
Sages going back to Socrates have offered advice on how to be happy, but only now are scientists beginning to address this question with systematic, controlled research. Although many of the new studies reaffirm time-honored wisdom ("Do what you love," "To thine own self be true"), they also add a number of fresh twists and insights. We canvassed the leading experts on what happy people have in common—and why it's worth trying to become one of them.
1. They find their most golden self.
Picture happiness. What do you see? A peaceful soul sitting in a field of daisies appreciating the moment? That kind of passive, pleasure-oriented—hedonic—contentment is definitely a component of overall happiness. But researchers now believe that eudaimonic well-being may be more important. Cobbled from the Greek eu ("good") and daimon ("spirit" or "deity"), eudaimonia means striving toward excellence based on one's unique talents and potential—Aristotle considered it to be the noblest goal in life. In his time, the Greeks believed that each child was blessed at birth with a personal daimon embodying the highest possible expression of his or her nature. One way they envisioned the daimon was as a golden figurine that would be revealed by cracking away an outer layer of cheap pottery (the person's baser exterior). The effort to know and realize one's most golden self—"personal growth," in today's lingo—is now the central concept of eudaimonia, which has also come to include continually taking on new challenges and fulfilling one's sense of purpose in life.
"Eudaimonic well-being is much more robust and satisfying than hedonic happiness, and it engages different parts of the brain," says Richard J. Davidson, PhD, of the University of Wisconsin-Madison. "The positive emotion accompanying thoughts that are directed toward meaningful goals is one of the most enduring components of well-being." Eudaimonia is also good for the body. Women who scored high on psychological tests for it (they were purposefully engaged in life, pursued self-development) weighed less, slept better, and had fewer stress hormones and markers for heart disease than others—including those reporting hedonic happiness—according to a study led by Carol Ryff, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison.
2. They design their lives to bring in joy.
It may seem obvious, but "people don't devote enough time to thinking seriously about how they spend their life and how much of it they actually enjoy," says David Schkade, PhD, a psychologist and professor of management at the University of California San Diego. In a recent study, Schkade and colleagues asked more than 900 working women to write down everything they'd done the day before. Afterward, they reviewed their diaries and evaluated how they felt at each point. When the women saw how much time they spent on activities they didn't like, "some people had tears in their eyes," Schkade says. "They didn't realize their happiness was something they could design and have control over."
Analyzing one's life isn't necessarily easy and may require questioning long-held assumptions. A high-powered career might, in fact, turn out to be unfulfilling; a committed relationship once longed for could end up being irritating with all the compromising that comes with having a partner. Dreams can be hard to abandon, even when they've turned sour.
Fortunately, changes don't have to be big ones to tip the joy in your favor. Schkade says that if you transfer even an hour of your day from an activity you hate (commuting, scrubbing the bathroom) to one you like (reading, spending time with friends), you should see a significant improvement in your overall happiness. Taking action is key. Another recent study, at the University of Missouri, compared college students who made intentional changes (joining a club, upgrading their study habits) with others who passively experienced positive turns in their circumstances (receiving a scholarship, being relieved of a bad roommate). All the students were happier in the short term, but only the group who made deliberate changes stayed that way.
3. They avoid "if only" fantasies.
If only I get a better job...find a man...lose the weight...life will be perfect. Happy people don't buy into this kind of thinking.
The latest research shows that we're surprisingly bad at predicting what will make us happy. People also tend to misjudge their contentment when zeroing in on a single aspect of their life—it's called the focusing illusion. In one study, single subjects were asked, "How happy are you with your life in general?" and "How many dates did you have last month?" When the dating question was asked first, their romantic life weighed more heavily into how they rated their overall happiness than when the questions were reversed.
The other argument against "if only" fantasies has to do with "hedonic adaptation"—the brain's natural dimming effect, which guarantees that a new house won't generate the same pleasure a year after its purchase and the thrill of having a boyfriend will ebb as you get used to being part of a couple. Happy people are wise to this, which is why they keep their lives full of novelty, even if it's just trying a new activity (diving, yoga) or putting a new spin on an old favorite (kundalini instead of vinyasa).
4. They put best friends first.
It's no surprise that social engagement is one of the most important contributors to happiness. What's news is that the nature of the relationship counts. Compared with dashing around chatting with acquaintances, you get more joy from spending longer periods of time with a close friend, according to research by Meliksah Demir, PhD, assistant professor of psychology at Northern Arizona University. And the best-friend benefit doesn't necessarily come from delving into heavy discussions. One of the most essential pleasures of close friendship, Demir found, is simple companionship, "just hanging out," as he says, hitting the mall or going to the movies together and eating popcorn in the dark.
5. They allow themselves to be happy.
As much as we all think we want it, many of us are convinced, deep down, that it's wrong to be happy (or too happy). Whether the belief comes from religion, culture, or the family you were raised in, it usually leaves you feeling guilty if you're having fun.
"Some people would say you shouldn't strive for personal happiness until you've taken care of everyone in the world who is starving or doesn't have adequate medical care," says Howard Cutler, MD, coauthor with the Dalai Lama of The Art of Happiness in a Troubled World. "The Dalai Lama believes you should pursue both simultaneously. For one thing, there is clear research showing that happy people tend to be more open to helping others. They also make better spouses and parents." And in one famous study, nuns whose autobiographies expressed positive emotions (such as gratitude and optimism) lived seven to 10-and-a-half years longer than other nuns. So, for any die-hard pessimist who still needs persuading, just think of how much more you can help the world if you allow a little happiness into your life.
Isn't it powerful?? Working toward being purposefully engaged in life, toward developing one's self can help to neutralize stress and create happiness. But only if we work to bring joy into our lives, and avoid getting trapped in narrowly banded fantasies of what might make us happy. And only if we are prepared to accept happiness.
I recognize I've addressed two vastly different topics in this post: serenity/calm and happiness. But for me they're very connected. When I am serene and calm, I am able to feel content. And when I am content I am generally happy.
I don't feel that I'm being greedy here. I am frequently having conversations with my clients around the fleeting nature of all emotional states. I know that these states I'm looking for are fleeting...but I'm hoping to get myself into a habit of seeking them out by making space in my life for them. I have space in my life to be content and happy. I really believe it.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Getting Engaged Made Me Prettier
A little over a week ago, the man I have loved for nearly 2 years (in March--wow)! asked me to marry him. We have talked about marriage a lot, but the question still came as such a surprise that it took a few moments (okay, days) to sink in that we were actually engaged.
He asked on a Wednesday, and we went ring shopping the following weekend. By Monday we had picked the ring (and isn't it beautiful??!!) and by Friday it was on my hand.
Since this date, I have been pretty stinking happy. Nobody I pass on the street knows my huge smile is correlated to the ring on my hand, so they reciprocate with a big grin and say things like, "My, you have the most beautiful hair!" Or on the more benign end, "Good morning! Beautiful day, isn't it?!" It's true that we tend to find people who smile more attractive. Thus, I have concluded that getting engaged made me prettier. (Okay scientist friends, don't point out the errors in deduction on that one--I am savoring this!)
My heart feels light and happy. I haven't yet written "get engaged" or "get married" on my "Before 30 Bucket List;" (which I am still writing...it's a hard list to make!)however, there was a big part of me that wanted to reach this milestone in my 20's. I think it is my 12-year-old self, who once wrote in a journal a life plan that looked like this:
17 - Graduate High School
21 - Graduate College
23 - Get Married
24 - Have First Baby
Despite my huge diversion from this life plan; I think that if my 12-year-old self met me today, she would have been pretty proud. And that makes me feel good inside.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
The Unpublished Blog
Going through my posts today--I stumbled on this draft. It is still relevant, so I am posting it: (written 03/01/11)
I have been having strange stomach upset all week long. My digestive functioning is so closely tied to my mood that I wondered what was going on. Am I worried about upcoming job responsibilities? Am I worried about obtaining promotion? Am I worried about wedding planning? I was going around and around.
Last night I ran 2 miles in an effort to place my energy somewhere healthy. Tonight I practiced Ashtanga and it brought me down a level or two. But it was checking facebook that finally brought it all together for me.
Ever year for the past 3 years, my future has been uncertain during this period of time. It has looked like this:
3 Years Ago
"Will I get a competetive internship? Will it be my top choice? Will it be the best thing for my career? How will my current relationships be impacted? Will I make new friends? Will I have the energy to move?" (Get outcome, cope with changes, settle in for a year....)
2 Years Ago
"Will I get a postdoc? Will it be the right one for me? Will it build my career and propell me forward? Should I stay with the same agency or will other employers frown on that? Is it foolish to stay in something because it is comforable? " (Make decision, cope with changes, settle in for a year....)
Last Year
"Will I be able to find a job? Am I really applying during an economic downturn--how did this happen? Will it pay a wage that I can live with? Should I apply geographically (the west) or more broadly? Will I make new friends? Will I have the energy to move? Do I look for a job I can stick with for a few years, or do I look for THE job that I want to have for a decade?"
Tonight I was on facebook and saw friends in different stages of this process posting their anxieties all over the internet.
A friend applying for postdoc:
"Will I be in San Diego or LA? Gotta trust the process."
A friend applying for funded grad school positions:
"Someone wake me up in 3 months, I'm over this."
A dear friend who is a military psychologist:
"Just got my orders today--moving in June. Need to sell the house and move across the country."
A round of friends just received news of internship placements within the week.
This anxiety is palpable to me. I'm not far enough removed from it to be immune to absorbing some of it. This career requires a lot of tolerance of ambiguity. It requires a willingness and readiness to move a LOT in order to complete training. I have gotten used to this ambiguity, but I believe to such an extent that I have jumped into a state of anticipatory anxiety even though it is over for me. In fact--I have created a new layer for myself.
I don't know what to do with this awareness.
**05/05 - I think this is at the root of my sleep problem, etc. I don't need to worry about finding a job next year--I have one. The bottom isn't going to fall out of anything. I can work my job and live my life...I don't need to worry about moving or changing anything. This is actually really difficult for me to wrap my head around, and my body knows it. It's as if my body is charging up for a move, and a LOT of change--things that just aren't going to happen.**
I have been having strange stomach upset all week long. My digestive functioning is so closely tied to my mood that I wondered what was going on. Am I worried about upcoming job responsibilities? Am I worried about obtaining promotion? Am I worried about wedding planning? I was going around and around.
Last night I ran 2 miles in an effort to place my energy somewhere healthy. Tonight I practiced Ashtanga and it brought me down a level or two. But it was checking facebook that finally brought it all together for me.
Ever year for the past 3 years, my future has been uncertain during this period of time. It has looked like this:
3 Years Ago
"Will I get a competetive internship? Will it be my top choice? Will it be the best thing for my career? How will my current relationships be impacted? Will I make new friends? Will I have the energy to move?" (Get outcome, cope with changes, settle in for a year....)
2 Years Ago
"Will I get a postdoc? Will it be the right one for me? Will it build my career and propell me forward? Should I stay with the same agency or will other employers frown on that? Is it foolish to stay in something because it is comforable? " (Make decision, cope with changes, settle in for a year....)
Last Year
"Will I be able to find a job? Am I really applying during an economic downturn--how did this happen? Will it pay a wage that I can live with? Should I apply geographically (the west) or more broadly? Will I make new friends? Will I have the energy to move? Do I look for a job I can stick with for a few years, or do I look for THE job that I want to have for a decade?"
Tonight I was on facebook and saw friends in different stages of this process posting their anxieties all over the internet.
A friend applying for postdoc:
"Will I be in San Diego or LA? Gotta trust the process."
A friend applying for funded grad school positions:
"Someone wake me up in 3 months, I'm over this."
A dear friend who is a military psychologist:
"Just got my orders today--moving in June. Need to sell the house and move across the country."
A round of friends just received news of internship placements within the week.
This anxiety is palpable to me. I'm not far enough removed from it to be immune to absorbing some of it. This career requires a lot of tolerance of ambiguity. It requires a willingness and readiness to move a LOT in order to complete training. I have gotten used to this ambiguity, but I believe to such an extent that I have jumped into a state of anticipatory anxiety even though it is over for me. In fact--I have created a new layer for myself.
I don't know what to do with this awareness.
**05/05 - I think this is at the root of my sleep problem, etc. I don't need to worry about finding a job next year--I have one. The bottom isn't going to fall out of anything. I can work my job and live my life...I don't need to worry about moving or changing anything. This is actually really difficult for me to wrap my head around, and my body knows it. It's as if my body is charging up for a move, and a LOT of change--things that just aren't going to happen.**
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Money Management Part Deux
Just over a month ago I wrote about "the coffee crazy" (this insane habit I had of purchasing at least one coffee Every. Single. Day). I had extended my frugal ways with coffee to cover not eating out quite so often, and not shopping for clothes quite so much. I had imagined that my savings would look a bit like this:
It was hard to believe that anything less than total deprivation would lead to any meaningful sort of savings. As evidenced by my last blog (adorable vacation wear), I obviously did not deprive myself. I bought some great clothes, Valentines Day gifts for the significant other, and we went out to eat a few times. But I made some big and little changes: No more eating lunch out, no wine or dessert when we were out, and I questioned carefully every clothing purchase.
I discovered that saving on this level ended up with more of this effect:
It is hard to quantify this in a blog where I don't want to disclose my (a) income, or (b) savings. But imagine a healthy income--and imagine that I previously had been saving about 15% of it per month. Now I'm saving about 40%.
I looked at this money saved in one month and had a huge wave of relief wash over me. I can live the way that I wanted to live when I set out to get a doctorate. I can travel, I can shop, I can eventually own a new car and a new home, and I can do it all without going into huge amounts of debt. It is a very liberating feeling, and it all started with depriving Starbucks of a few of my hard-earned dollars each month.
The best thing about this is that I knew it all along but needed to experience it. Every financial magazine in the world tells you some version of this (in a nutshell: Quit pissing away your money on food and entertainment). But previously I've been hanging out in the Contemplation stage of change.
(For those not familiar--Prochaska & Diclemente developed a model of change in which after studying how it was that persons with addiction gave up their habits--it goes like this:)
Precontemplation(Not yet acknowledging that there is a problem behavior)
Contemplation (Acknowledging that there is a problem but not yet ready change)
Preparation (Getting ready to change)
Action (Changing behavior)
Maintenance (Maintaining the behavior change) and
Relapse (Returning to older behaviors and abandoning the new changes)
Here's hoping for NO RELAPSE!
It was hard to believe that anything less than total deprivation would lead to any meaningful sort of savings. As evidenced by my last blog (adorable vacation wear), I obviously did not deprive myself. I bought some great clothes, Valentines Day gifts for the significant other, and we went out to eat a few times. But I made some big and little changes: No more eating lunch out, no wine or dessert when we were out, and I questioned carefully every clothing purchase.
I discovered that saving on this level ended up with more of this effect:
It is hard to quantify this in a blog where I don't want to disclose my (a) income, or (b) savings. But imagine a healthy income--and imagine that I previously had been saving about 15% of it per month. Now I'm saving about 40%.
I looked at this money saved in one month and had a huge wave of relief wash over me. I can live the way that I wanted to live when I set out to get a doctorate. I can travel, I can shop, I can eventually own a new car and a new home, and I can do it all without going into huge amounts of debt. It is a very liberating feeling, and it all started with depriving Starbucks of a few of my hard-earned dollars each month.
The best thing about this is that I knew it all along but needed to experience it. Every financial magazine in the world tells you some version of this (in a nutshell: Quit pissing away your money on food and entertainment). But previously I've been hanging out in the Contemplation stage of change.
(For those not familiar--Prochaska & Diclemente developed a model of change in which after studying how it was that persons with addiction gave up their habits--it goes like this:)
Precontemplation(Not yet acknowledging that there is a problem behavior)
Contemplation (Acknowledging that there is a problem but not yet ready change)
Preparation (Getting ready to change)
Action (Changing behavior)
Maintenance (Maintaining the behavior change) and
Relapse (Returning to older behaviors and abandoning the new changes)
Here's hoping for NO RELAPSE!
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